The Great Pottery Throw Down - 2015 - Semi final

Thrown out: Lovely Jane, perhaps for making a chandelier out of china breast implants. We also saw Major Tom wobble big time though - no time or inclination for jokey man bantz with Jimbo this week, just lots and lots of pressure on himself.

Top pot: Three in a row for Matthew - the Kiln Gods were smiling on him again.  It's particularly exciting as it looks like he has a special bow-tie to wear under his tweed and tabard in the final.  Fancy.

Keith's tears: Were they absent this week? Special mention instead therefore to Kate's glasses, which were orange and excellent.  Oh and also to...

Keith's dungarees: I was most surprised to find myself suggesting to Mr Cad that he might think about investing in a pair of paint-splattered dungas.  Who'd have thought?

Main make: A bone-china chandelier, which looks an almighty stressful faff, though I enjoyed hearing the expert use a Cadbury's Creme Egg analogy to explain the fabrication process.  And they were all rather beautiful creations too, let's face it.

Spot test: Banding - those lines you get on plates. Yet another example of how I never really thought about how a standard and common feature on ceramics is actually reeeeeeally hard to carry out.

Throw down: Only throwing a blimmin' sphere! A SPHERE! Or a conehead, egg and, um, bowl in the case of some of our potters.

Vital potting implement of the week: Jim seemingly brings a guitar to the studio. 

Potted history: The recipe for bone china was refined by someone called Josiah Spode, which is more Dickensian than anything ever, including anything by Dickens.

Smut-watch: "Jim, would you mind cupping my jellyfish?"

Next week: The final! Jim to pip Matthew or Matthew all the way?  It's a tough call...

The Great Pottery Throw Down - 2015 - Week 4

Thrown out: Sandra – her casual relationship with deadlines finally got the better of her; it turns out that hanging around, chatting, and checking out Major Tom’s sweaty manframe, does not enable you to build a five foot clay garden structure in seven hours – indeed it forces you to hurriedly cut out a zigzag Teletubby tentacle to stick on the top (Dipsy’s apparently) in a desperate attempt to gain some cheaty height.  Judge Kate’s face was spectacularly unimpressed; a clay aerial is to Kate, what a baking raising agent is to Mary Berry.

Top of the pots: Matthew again – for being brilliant, mind.  His industrial ceramic structure was truly marvellous, and the worthy recipient of Keith’s tears.

Main make: The aforementioned five-foot garden sculpture, which provided immediate smut-watch, as Matthew brandished a tape measure and queried whether they didn’t mean five inches.

Spot test: Pimp My Chimney Pot.  Our potters had to turn chimney pots into strawberry pots, which have lots of holes in for the strawbs to poke through.  Cue more filth therefore, as this involved sticking appendages (snigger) over holes (snigger). Rockabilly Jim took a risk with some deliberately messy joining – thumbprints galore. It worked, as art at least – might be more problematic if the police were ever after him.

Throw down: Ten minutes to make the widest possible plate with “no sagging or flopping rims” - I mean...

Competition-watch: Matthew is probably deadlocked-head and shoulders above the rest, but Major Tom is all out for Rockabilly Jim – we've not seen this level of naked competitiveness on the Great British Televised Middle Class Pursuit since Kimberly Bake Off got hounded on Twitter.  The testosterone was buzzzing to the degree that Major Tom decided it was better to crazy sweaty from using his MAN strength to roll out his clay, rather than employing the specialist mangle thing the others went for. Next stop, a Tom v Jim Women In Love-style wrestle? In wet clay, obvs.

Smut-watch: It’s more a case of which bits weren’t the height of lewdness at his point. Move aside baking, pottery is way ruder.

The Great Pottery Throw Down - 2015 - Week 3

Thrown out: Sexy vet James – Judge Keith was really upset that one of his five vases wasn’t as matchy-matchy as the others.  But we also lost Joanna, who left for personal reasons.

Top of the pots: Dready Matthew - indeed Kate wanted to snaffle one of his vases under her floral blouse.  Matthew used a technique called “sgraffito” and confidently explained that the word was where “graffiti” came from - as it originated from cavemen scratching their names and cock and ball pics into walls (or something... I paraphrase).  He then suggested the BBC fact-check that one.

Main make: Ten long-necked ‘raku’ cases. Nothing to do with hot handed massages or the recent Eurovision host with the dodgy human rights record, but rather using a dramatic outdoor oven and FIRE IN A BIN to get amazing patterns and a cracked texture on the surface of your crockery.  The potters also had to use comedy tongs to take their creations from oven to bin (think those booth machines at the fairground where you manipulate a flimsy robot hand to pick up a cuddly toy until it inevitably drops back down at the last moment), before plunging their vases into water (think a pottery Russian banya).  In short, SO MUCH CRACK POTENTIAL!  Indeed Sandra had major trouble with her tongs, and dropped a vase on to the ground.  Heartbreaking.

Keith’s tears: Fortunately Sandra was rewarded for her emotional journey and her cracked vase trauma with Keith’s weeping - he cried at her “resolve” and her five lovely vases.

Middle class pottery implement of the week: Jane created her bin fire out of manure from her family farm.  Vet James did less well, bringing what looked like a pound shop water sprayer for the raku-ing.  It promptly broke.

Spot test: Slip decoration on jugs. To be honest, I didn’t really understand what that meant, by which I mean I totally tuned out during the technical explanation-y bit and then just looked at the preeeeety designs.

Throw down: Keith threw two candlesticks, then hid them, and the potters then had to copy them. This was far more tense and entertaining than you might think.

Smut-watch: “Jugs”.

The Great Pottery Throw Down - 2015 - Week 2

Thrown out: Smiling Nigel, after the bottom fell off his basin - making it fairly unusable. Who will Sara Cox flirt with now her "tangerine dream" has gone? At least Nigel went out in a blaze of TV glory, decorating a tile by printing his name on it repeatedly - in a blind judging task. 

Top of the pots: Rockabilly Jim - more on his offerings later, viewers. But it was Major Tom's washbasin which made Judge Keith so totes emosh, he shed a little tear. Keith's tears are the new Hollywood handshake. 

Main make: Seven days to make a washbasin - yeGads they were impressive and beautiful. Rockabilly Jim's golden turtle decor was especially fantastic. I thought I loved my sleek geometric plain white washbasin until now - might try painting some gold leaf animals on. Or see what texture I can create with some crusty toothpaste markings.

Spot test: Surface decor on the aforementioned tiles. There was a disappointing lack of sexualised moves in the potters' decorating actions. 

Throw down: Wheeling the tallest possible pot - BLINDFOLDED. Cue an enthusiastic Sara Cox, armed with innuendo and a tape measure. Turns out Matthew had the biggest one. 

Observations on the nosey home life bit: Major Tom's daughter is simultaneously aghast and thrilled that her brother admitted to not liking some of their dad's cups. Sandra's son appears to sport a feather in the back of his otherwise entirely conventional hairstyle. 

Smut-watch: Potting's not just cocks, ladies and gents! Gay vet (as in animals not old-timer) James thinks Jane's made a vagina-y bowl. Jane surmises that he's probably not seen too many examples. 

Middle class pottery implement of the week: Art teacher Matthew used his students' pottery stamps to decorate his basin (touching inspiration or child labour?), but Major Tom wins thanks to his porcupine's quill from Zimbabwe.

The Great Pottery Throw Down - 2015 - Week 1

The dramz and smut levels in the Great Pottery Throw Down are up there with Bake Off, so I made a number of notes on my iPhone, which can only mean one thing.  I must mini blog.

Our presenter: I have enjoyed Sara Cox's work since she presented Eurovision off her boobs on lambrini.  In the very fine Mel and Sue and Claude tradition, she has a lovely mix of supportive and mocking, particularly when bantzing with an older gentleman.  Case in point: Sara merrily chatted to Nigel about whether his wife had shown any interest in joining him pot, as he stroked a wet phallic piece of clay in a downward motion.

Our judges: The Mary Potter is Kate Malone, the arty potter. She believes pottery is better than sex.  The Paul Potter is Keith Brymer Jones, who makes mugs for the stars. He does not believe pottery is better than sex.  In the fine tradition of male judges, Keith has a proud look involving rather individual hair and shirt detail (balding greased spikes/Ray Winston at a Summer wedding). Keith also cries with emotion at the pots, so HE'S ACE.

Kiln keeper: I think Rich, the kiln man, could gain quite a cult following... I will be watching Rich's appearances with great interest.

Our Great British location: The pottery tent/haberdashery is... Stoke on Trent

Our contestants: Everyone immediate claims not be a typical potter. One thing is clear - they are all typical Great British Something competitors. Funky hair or funky facial hair - tick; builders, decorators etc - tick; sexy arty posh lady designers - tick; sexy gay medic (for animals) - tick; well to do army man - tick; some mums - tick; some community/key workers - tick; all seemingly absolutely lovely - tick tick tick.

Task #1: The Main Make. 

Five bowls which fit into each other. For which they have four days! The bakers must be sneering at such time-based luxury to mould, bake and decorate summat. I josh. There's wheeling, drying, wheeling and cutting, drying, kilning, AND decorating involved. The number of stages at which things can go wrong is perilously high. The dramz!

Task #2. The Spot Test.

A short period of time to show a basic clay skill. This week, it's making and putting handles on traditional and modern mugs.  This involves pulling, which, frankly, is wanking off a clay penis by any another name.

Task #3: The Throw Down

A competitive speed challenge - five kilos of clay and twenty minutes to make as many egg cups as possible.  Clearly this is brilliant television.

Smut-watch: HIGH. My God, so high. SO HIGH. We had wetting, wedging, slapping and pulling in the space of about five minutes. Pottery really is all about sex - no wonder Ghost was so successful.

Thrown out: Rehka. She gave it a good go - disguising less-than-perfect pottery as conceptual art by writing 'wobbly bottom' on a bowl with a, yep, wobbly bottom - but it was not to be.

Top Pot: Major Tom. He was the speediest at egg cups.

2015 GBBO mini blog. The Final

And the winner is: Nadiya! Yay!!!! Well t'was only right - anyone else and I fear there'd have been a social media riot which would have blown the #bincident out of the water. So well done lovely Nadiya, with her brilliant baking, gorgeous kiddies and, most important of all, her infinite range of incredulous facial expressions. 

Am sure that was a tear in Mary's crinkly eye...

Final highlight #1: Yes yes, they baked some stuff, but the best bit was the photos from home. Baby Tamal was unspeakably cute, but Ian's kids sitting in pans on an Aga whilst he brandished a giant knife and pitchfork... Amazing middle-class comedy work. (BTW comedy photos is the whole point of having children.) Clearly there's a reason he's the Dalai Lama's personal snapper.

Final highlight #2: The revelation that Ian keeps a journal. 

Final highlight #3: Tamal calling Nadiya "little chum".

That's yer lot: I had to watch the final on silent with the subtitles due to a sleeping baby it was unwise to move. I'll be honest, it wasn't the same without the dramz music, but when the winner was announced I, like the nation, was totes emosh. It's been a lovely series - Great British Stuff. *contented sigh* And as ever, we go from a dozen lovely, talented, intelligent, kind and generous people to the polar opposite...

Next week: The Apprentice is back...

www.cadprentice.blogspot.com

2015 GBBO mini blog. The Semi-final

Bye bye: Flora, for overdecorating AGAIN, this time with duff macaroons, and not masking the taste of raising agent - heaven forbid! I'm not sure I ever got over the head girlness, but she's 19, remember. 19!!!!!!!!!! At 19, my main culinary achievement was ordering chips, cheese and mayo from Hassan's kebab van.

Lucky escape: Ian. But it was right that he stay - that chocolate well was chocolate well amazing. I'm sure I spotted a Mary eye-twinkle. I think Paul purposefully snapped the handle in all-out envy. 

Ma Baker: Nadiya was so delighted to get the handshake she received it double-handed. It was a rollercoaster week for our Nads though - when she teared up after the technical, I wanted to hug her through my telly. Surely she's the favourite to win, not least for the line "Why have I never made a soufflé before? Oh yeah, cause it's a TOTAL PAIN IN THE ABSOLUTE ARSE!" (I paraphrase.)

THE TENSION: That staggered technical challenge sent them into such a panic! It was awesome. Ian looked like he couldn't even remember what a wooden spoon was. Nadiya decided it was worse than childbirth. (We're nearly four months into parenthood - I can *almost* take such comments.) 

Face-watch: It was Mel who had the cartoon face action this week. She kept lurking behind the bakers looking really worried and not knowing what to say. Poor Mel. You know it's tense when even Mel'n'Sue don't have the bawdy jokes on tap. Though Sue was mainly busy stuffing chocolate. 

Next week: The Final. And no preview reel... Tamal and Ian are both so sweet, but this year I have a firm, firm favourite: #GoTeamNadiya. 

2015 GBBO mini blog. Quarter final

Pâtisserie week.

Bye bye: Paul the Baker, undone by both real and synthetic bananas, and being ever so slightly boring on the telly. 

Lucky escape: Good TV provider Flora - controversially, I thought...  No no, of course I'm not just saying that because I had Paul in the sweepstake.

Ma Baker: Nadiya, in spite of daring to use that most non-middle class of flavours, bubblegum. That Mary could overlook such a blatantly artificial ingredient shows how awesome Nadiya is.

Timely references: Flora was minus six when Madonna wore her cone bra, so clearly didn't have a clue what Mel was on about when it came to shaping pastry horns. But she was oh so polite about it.

Smut-watch: Dudes, it's Cream Horn week and we got a shot of a grown man trying to pipe a thick banana yellow substance into some pastry whilst groaning really really loudly and muttering, "It's thick, all right". It does not get any smuttier than that. Indeed I refer you to... 

Nadiya's face-watch:

Bezza v baking powder: Mary continued her crusade against raising agents by only allowing them to use egg. Someone at Borwick's must have really slagged one of her bombers.

Next time: Semi-final - chocolate and centrepieces. 

2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 7

Victorian week.

Bye bye: Lovely Fireman Mat. Nooooo! Not before we get to hear more about Dangerous Dave's mum Sheila and how she obtained her Victorian pie tin!

Lucky escape: Paul - in spite of seemingly over or underbaking all of his wares, as well as filling his charlotte with fake blood rather than jelly. 

Ma Baker: Dr Tamal, who was especially adorable when he immediately called his mum to announce his prize. You see, it's totally justifiable to let my three month year old watch Bake Off when there are such lessons of mum/son morality to be learnt. 

Flora the Superhero: Never fear, here comes... Bird Girl! 

Special powers: winning a pheasant baking contest at school. (My God, that tells you A LOT about Flora's school.)

Who are all the pies? I WILL! I WILL EAT ALL THE PIES. Nothing makes me cravy like pie week.

Ian's "passion": Road kill. 

Tennis cake puns: Marion Tartoli was my best effort. Twitter came up with Martina Navratipalova and Roger Fadeira. Any more for any more?

Next time: Fiddly fussy pastry week - patisserie time. 

2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 6

Pastry week.

Bye bye: Sweet sweet Alvin, who needed perfect vol-au-vents to survive, but didn't quite hit the mark. Somewhat unexpectedly, Alvin's father is a retired Filipino army general. 

Lucky escape: Nadiya, who had to offer up unfilled volz, as Mel would no doubt abbreviate them. Though I think there's something to be said for self-scooping delicious filling into your own pastry cases. Paul certainly loaded his up. 

Ma Baker: Mat, whom Mary Berry clearly fancies; she double-punched him in the stomach as congratulations - a classic move from the Primary School Book of Flirtation. Her seduction chat might need work though - not sure mentioning that his perfect egg yolk was so good "it dripped down my hand" was quite the right angle.

Smutwatch: Alvin arranged his plums nicely but they were sadly undercooked.

And the first soggy bottom goes to...: Nadiya! Cross it off your bingo sheets everyone. 

Top Two Sandwiches: Like all good hipsters, Tamal loves pulled pork, but what was his other bestest sarnie?!? (For the record, mine are the 800 calorie ham and brie baguette from EAT and the 'Rubenesque', a sourdough, pastrami and cheese triumph from my local caff, the Archie Parker - which is excitingly run by Mrs Simon from Trev and Simon.)

Flaouna: a) a celebrity baby name, b) this summer's hottest dance craze or c) a Cypriot pasty. 

Next time: Bakes of the past. Cue many a joke about Mary's age.

2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 5

Alternative ingredients week.

AKA: 'Free from' week - and atypically free from much tent smut, until Mel got to inspect Ian's hanging nuts and Paul's marzipan bikini gusset.  Until then the only 'high point' had been Flora discussing her buche.

Bye bye: Ugne and her perfect haircut.  She tied her hair back for the Showstopper and I knew the game was up - thwarted like a Bake Off Samson to Berrywood’s Delilah.  Or perhaps it was because her peanut butter ice cream and grape jelly roll looked, shall we say, a bit mushy. 

Lucky escape: Wunderkind Flora, who failed to use enough sponge for Bezza's liking. Mary didn’t rate Flora's narrow sponge landing strip at all - she was clearly hoping for a fuller, seventies buche.

Ma Baker: After several weeks of producing great own-bakes, but always coming bottom in the technical challenge, Nadiya was top of the technical class, making gluten-free pitta breads that presumably tasted marginally less disgusting than anyone else’s.

Agave nectar: nope, me either...  What's the point of a sugar-free cake if you are forced to add other incredibly sweet ingredients which can't be any better for you.  It’s a cake!  No amount of probiotic/microbiotic/madeupbiotic alternatives are going to make it healthy, whatever the Goop newsletter might promise.

Next time: Pastry time.  IT'S SOGGY BOTTOM WEEK, PEOPLE!

2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 4

Desserts week.

Bye bye: Oh Saaaaandy (to misquote Manilow/Westlife) you came and you... etc etc. At least we'll always have that David Attenborough impression and a not-at-all-veiled chat about wobbly bums with Sue.  She was also one of a rare breed to work a mullet. 

Ma Baker: An Ian hat trick. Will he sustain it? I hope so, as I love his rather camp and genuinely delighted victory speeches. "I want to do a dance on the train and go yesss, meeee! Humble meeeee!"

Smutwatch: Alvin's edible pansies. 

EDIBLE PANSIES.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A level of potential filth so high that Sue clearly had to be forcibly removed from the tent whilst Mel dug deep to interview AlvinSimonTheodore with the straightest of faces.

#GBBOfav: AlvinSimonTheodore is totes my favourite by the way. He's completely adorable. Though I love Nadiya too. And Ugne. And, oh all of them.

Mel'n'Sue sabotage of the week: Mel decided to wear Flora's food as bracelets.

Foreign fun: the Swiss and French meringue-based 'Spanish Windtorte' (which is actually Austrian). Mel's eyes must have popped out at the accent bonanza prospect. Bonus points for enabling fart jokes. 

Next time: 'Free from' week - including sugarless cake. Durrrr, what is the point?!

2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 3

Bread week.

Bye bye: Dorret - to no-one's surprise, really. There's experimental and then there's baking Tracey Emin's bed in bread, which is officially the worst idea ever. Nothing says 'unappetising' like an unmade bed covered in fag butts and indeterminate sex stains. Not even fresh bread can save that hot mess of a concept. 

Lucky escape: Fireman Mat, who was surely, and quite rightly, saved by his "dough-verload" pun. *applause* 

Ma Baker: Ian again, for a bready pot plant, no less. But it was silver haired Simon-Pegg-alike Paul who got the first Hollywood handshake. And that was before we'd seen his phenomenal lion bread, for which he got a "special commendation", a thing the producers clearly made up to please Paul Hollywood, uncharacteristically über-impressed by the doughy Cecil (RIP).

Tent gone mad: Baking powder deemed acceptable!!!?!?!! Despite sniffing out the raising agent, Mary rated Ugne's soda bread. (She must have been drunk - the only possible explanation. Then again, isn't Bezza always drunk?)

Nadiya Face Watch: 

 Amazing work. 

Next week: Desserts. Brûlée olé olé.

2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 2

Biscuit week.

Bye bye: Noooooo! I thought the older hilarious Scot (AKA She-Norman) would make it all the way after last week's triumph!  Fare ye well Marie. The tactic of "if I'm missing a biscuit, I'll just have to say I ate it" was probably never going to please Paul 'the male judge' Hollywood though. 

Lucky escape: Dorret - again. Coming unexpectedly first in the Technical saved her from Mary's crazed wrath after she dared use pre-cut frog moulds. Using pre-cut moulds is clearly the new using shop-bought fondant. A serious tent no no.

How did 19 year old Flora overachieve this week: Both knowing about and achieving lamination (and not the satisfying plasticising kind). Perhaps she learned from one of her "hundreds of French cookbooks" or one of her many jaunts through Italy, as so many other 19 year olds will have too.

Berry fashionable: The bomber was back, with a kimono-style print and fancy patchwork quilt style stitching. Never change Bezza. Never change. Well, until your jacket needs a dry clean, obvz. 

Best use of biscuit: FIRE ENGINE BICCIE BOX! Neee nawww neeee nawwww. It nearly broke my heart when Paul snapped into the ladder. 

Most preposterously unusual ingredient of the week: The physalis berry. At least hot Dr Tamal had the awareness to admit and mock it. Though by the way, the pretentiousness of using the berry has nothing on the pretentiousness of its Wikipedia page...

How many weeks did it take for Sue to sabotage a contestant's entry this year? Two weeks.

Next week: Paul gets to be furious about under and overproved bread. 

2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 1

Cake week. 

Bye bye: Music dude with pointy metal collar triangles. (I have an eight week old baby, so names and the correct term for dickish accessories are beyond me at this point - there's a different kind of soggy bottom ruling my life.) 

Lucky escape: Dorret's Black Forest collapsed into a chocolate bog which didn't even taste that great. Like "rubber". Gee, thanks Paul.

(Stuart! The loser's name was Stuart! Go me, blogging this at 3am and remembering stuff! Mary was also way harsh for week one, essentially calling him a pompous try hard.)

Middle class gauntlet thrown: 19 year old (allegedly) Flora used blood oranges, forgot to turn on her oven as she's got an Aga at home (though, erm, I have, embarrassingly been there) and the nose-around-your-home section featured her sister on a unicycle. 

SISTER ON A UNICYCLE. 

So yeah... That. 

Best baker name: Dorret can't beat out Alvin (mainly for the ear worm: Alvin, Simon, (pause) Theodore).  

Most blatant attempt at brown-nosing Mary: a gin and tonic cake. 

Calling the winner now: Marie v Nadiya. 

Next week: biccies. 

Great British Sewing Bee. Series 3. Week 6 mini blog. The Final.

And the winner is: Matt.  He of large hands fame.  A surprise winner, but he got steadily better and didn't completely lose it during the final (yes Neil, am looking at you).

The Pattern Task: Asymmetric Japanese tops, formed out of one piece of material.  Lorna was lost, but rather than leave her in the lurch in the name of VICTORY, Matt and Neil talked her through it.  Bless.  This is why I love Sewing Bee.

The Alteration Task: The challenge was “something wearable”, so - somewhat inexplicably - Neil made a mini skirt with attached ankle waders, now known as the #skanklet. WTAF doesn't even begin to cover it.  It has to be seen to be believed, so I urge you to go to the iPlayer (28 mins in) and take a look for yourselves.

The Sew-stopper Challenge: Avant-garde dresses.  Neil continued his plot-lost run, by making an evening gown inspired by army fatigues, Afghanistan and silky fabrics.  You'd have thought Lorna would storm this, after her wetsuitboobholes triumph, but it was Matt who timed his run perfectly, making a weird space age dress in the style of a 1960s telecoms tower/Christmas decoration.

Til next time!

Great British Sewing Bee. Series 3. Week 5 mini blog.

Sew long, farewell: Another double whammy – Elephant loving Paul and burgundy-haired Deborah said goodbye to the other bees.

The Pattern Task:  It was difficult fabric week, but that didn't stop Matt ‘hands too big for pins’ successfully managing the delicacy of a lace skirt.  Deborah adorably squealed at her third place, whilst Neil tried not to frown too hard at coming one from bottom.

The Alteration Task:  Wetsuit haute couture – not even a good idea in theory, for me.  Lorna had the best approach, immediately cutting out two boob holes to create Madonna-inspired breasty weirdness.  Tough times elsewhere - Paul spent too much time on his sleeves, which ended up with an unfortunate stapled-on look, whilst Neil's determination to show the judges he could 'do lace' slightly backfired, when Maytrick decided pink lace and black rubber did not go.

The Sew-stopper Task: Leather jackets.  Paul’s red garish snakeskin leather was my ‘favourite’: heavy metal groupie meets extravagant drag queen boots.

Garment Of The Week: Neil stormed back with his massive necked leather jacket – particularly impressing May with the use of a magnetic button.

Next time: The Final.

Great British Sewing Bee. Series 3. Week 4 mini blog.

Sew long, farewell: A shock double elimination!  Poor Amanda was no real surprise - the judges basically wrote her off halfway through the show, after she came last in the first two challenges.  But it was a close run thing for the second cull, with sweet rosy-cheeked manchild Ryan losing out over Paul.  Sad times.  Ryan was possibly a little bit too cocky about his corset-making skills, then made an unfortunate Simon Cowell waistline kilt, with an overly risqué front slit.  (Not one for The True.)

The Pattern Task: My sweepstake guy, Lieutenant Colonel Engineer Neil, stormed the corset task, suggesting once again that Mrs Neil is quite a slinky dresser.  It was also a perfect opportunity for innuendo bingo, with much talk of ‘boning’ and ‘parallel boning’.

The Alteration Task: Eighties suits needed to be transformed into something modern - not that the sewers seemed that happy about being judged on fashion sense, as well as sewing.  It was a tough task - even May didn't wear her usual expression of stunned delight as she surveyed the changes.  Ryan probably managed the trendiest creation, a strappy, wraparound top thing, but it was Neil (again), who won with his fuchsia cocktail dress.  Two from two...

The Sew-stopper Task: KILTS!!!!  Och aye.  Patrick was even kilted throughout the show, in tribute/for inspiration. (He doesn't have as fine a pair of legs as Mr Cad, but it was still a good look.).  I’ll leave it to the Scotsmen amongst us to decide on whether the studded denim kilt is one for their wardrobe.

Garment Of The Week: Neil’s pretty perfect kilt made it three from three.  Patrick bestowed upon him the equivalent of the Hollywood Handshake - proclaiming even *he* would wear Neil's kilt.

Next week: It's the Semi-Final already and the sewers tackle 'challenging fabrics' - leather and lace and PVC by the looks of it.  Let's not dwell on how many shades of grey we'll see. 

Great British Sewing Bee. Series 3. Week 3 mini blog.

Sew long, farewell: Lovely Neela.  It’s a tough crowd this year, and Neela just didn’t have speedier sewing skills that many of the others do.

The Pattern task: ‘Walkaway’ dresses, where fifties housewives got the pattern in the morning and could ‘walk away’ in the dress by lunchtime (or so goes the theory – this would NEVER work in the glorious age of Buzzfeed listicles).  The boys were much better at walking away in a neatly sewn dress, with Ryan winning and the rest of the men taking the top slots.  Come on laydeez!

The Alteration task: The sewers transformed fairly hideous floral curtains into rather amazing ball gowns, skirts, girl’s dresses, and so on.  Ultimately, this was nothing more than an excuse to play orchestral versions of numbers from The Sound of Music.

The Sew-stopper task: Sheer blouses.  A nightmare task, all see-through pussy bows and exposed seams.  They looked - let’s be honest – a teeny teeny bit shonky.

Garment Of The Week: Lorna’s sheer blouse - less fussy than the others and far neater.  Finally Lorna steps out of her always-the-bridesmaid role!  She remains one to watch, though all the boys looked strong this week too (I'm delighted, as I have Neil in the office sweepstake).

Nosey intrusion into the Bees’ homelife:  Mrs Neil has a cavalier attitude to the ball dresses her husband made her.  One wear, then straight in the bin.  Oh, the eighties...

Next week: KILTS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Great British Sewing Bee. Series 3. Week 2 mini blog.

Sew long, farewell: Sweet but highly-strung Alex - too much of a perfectionist to get anything finished.  Look out Patrick, you’re about to receive a million perfectly formed tiny waistcoats in the post, as Alex proves she CAN make what they ask her.

The Pattern task: Rosy-cheeked Ryan won the creepiest task of the week – making a fancy tweed waistcoat for a child mannequin.  Of course, Ryan is basically a child himself, so that did give him an advantage.

The Alteration task: Yellow t-shirts and summer dresses became a truly impressive array of children’s clothes.  Air hostess Lorna was bridesmaid AGAIN, with a dress perfect for little girl attending Pina Colada hour.  However, it was Lieutenant Colonel Neil who won through, with a Miami Vice does boxing inspired combo.  Patrick was uncharacteristically jubilant, singing Bugsy Malone and wishing his hands were teeny enough to wear yellow Lycra boxing gloves. "This is the coolest thing I've seen in my whole life", he declared.  The lack of beard is having an unexpected effect.

The Showstopper task: (Or whatever it’s called.)  Amazing 3D children’s costumes – peacocks, inch worms, foxes, flappers...  And an opportunity for Sewing Bee to give Bake Off a run for its smutty money, with talk of “stuffing”, “boning” and “blue booby”.

Garment Of The Week: Paul snuck in with his ‘Elephant Ballerina’. 

Fashionistory: Waistcoats were invented after the civil war as a V-sign to French luxury couture.  Well, take that, 17th century Dior.

Nosey intrusion into the Bees’ homelife:  Not content to defy sewing stereotyping with his army role, Neil has apparently also produced two rugby-playing sons, so strapping and glossy they must surely be on the brink of modelling jobs with Ralph Lauren or joining One Direction.   I also enjoyed Paul’s mum’s cardigan pride, scoring major friend envy points with her son’s knitting skills.

Next week: Sewing, 1950s style.

Great British Sewing Bee. Series 3. Week 1 mini blog.

Sew long, farewell: Annie the Scottish dairy farmer, of piggy pincushion fame, was the first to get stitched up (BOOM BOOM!).  She seemed a Norman-from-Bake-Off-like hoot, but Patrick just couldn't get in board with her wafty sleeves.  Still, she left with the finest exit line to date: "Never mind, we'll still name one of our calves after you". Claudia went into delighted meltdown.

One to watch #1: Air hostess glamazon Lorna nailed all three tasks, fearlessly making garishly ace patterned trews, very nearly winning the battle of the denim shirt to denim skirt transformation, and finishing up with a gorge poppy dress that I would very much like to own, thank you please.

One to watch #2: Lieutenant-Colonel Neil demonstrated military precision and time management - and duly was rewarded with Garment Of The Week, even though his fashion choices were... brave.  It's a confident woman who'd opt for those shocking pink trousers and a cocktail dress with the sides cut out, but apparently Mrs Lieutenant-Colonel Neil is such a gal.  Good on her.

Alex-watch: I thought Alex, and her giant earrings, would be a terrifying Romanian fembot, but she's actually hilarious.  I would never have pegged her as the one who'd go full Madonna puffball skirt in the alteration challenge, especially after her disdain for floral trousers.

Matt's hands: are too big to pin pins.  So he has to use stones.

A one-off update on Patrick's facial hair: It's official, he's sticking with a perfectly groomed 'tache. We mourn the perfectly groomed beard.

Next week: Children’s tailoring, including waistcoats (which is a concern: small boys in waistcoats creep me out).