The Great Pottery Throw Down - 2015 - Week 1

The dramz and smut levels in the Great Pottery Throw Down are up there with Bake Off, so I made a number of notes on my iPhone, which can only mean one thing.  I must mini blog.

Our presenter: I have enjoyed Sara Cox's work since she presented Eurovision off her boobs on lambrini.  In the very fine Mel and Sue and Claude tradition, she has a lovely mix of supportive and mocking, particularly when bantzing with an older gentleman.  Case in point: Sara merrily chatted to Nigel about whether his wife had shown any interest in joining him pot, as he stroked a wet phallic piece of clay in a downward motion.

Our judges: The Mary Potter is Kate Malone, the arty potter. She believes pottery is better than sex.  The Paul Potter is Keith Brymer Jones, who makes mugs for the stars. He does not believe pottery is better than sex.  In the fine tradition of male judges, Keith has a proud look involving rather individual hair and shirt detail (balding greased spikes/Ray Winston at a Summer wedding). Keith also cries with emotion at the pots, so HE'S ACE.

Kiln keeper: I think Rich, the kiln man, could gain quite a cult following... I will be watching Rich's appearances with great interest.

Our Great British location: The pottery tent/haberdashery is... Stoke on Trent

Our contestants: Everyone immediate claims not be a typical potter. One thing is clear - they are all typical Great British Something competitors. Funky hair or funky facial hair - tick; builders, decorators etc - tick; sexy arty posh lady designers - tick; sexy gay medic (for animals) - tick; well to do army man - tick; some mums - tick; some community/key workers - tick; all seemingly absolutely lovely - tick tick tick.

Task #1: The Main Make. 

Five bowls which fit into each other. For which they have four days! The bakers must be sneering at such time-based luxury to mould, bake and decorate summat. I josh. There's wheeling, drying, wheeling and cutting, drying, kilning, AND decorating involved. The number of stages at which things can go wrong is perilously high. The dramz!

Task #2. The Spot Test.

A short period of time to show a basic clay skill. This week, it's making and putting handles on traditional and modern mugs.  This involves pulling, which, frankly, is wanking off a clay penis by any another name.

Task #3: The Throw Down

A competitive speed challenge - five kilos of clay and twenty minutes to make as many egg cups as possible.  Clearly this is brilliant television.

Smut-watch: HIGH. My God, so high. SO HIGH. We had wetting, wedging, slapping and pulling in the space of about five minutes. Pottery really is all about sex - no wonder Ghost was so successful.

Thrown out: Rehka. She gave it a good go - disguising less-than-perfect pottery as conceptual art by writing 'wobbly bottom' on a bowl with a, yep, wobbly bottom - but it was not to be.

Top Pot: Major Tom. He was the speediest at egg cups.