2016 GBBO Mini blog. Semi-final

Patisserie Week

Mel & Sue Sandwich:  Tent favourite Selasi!  (And there was a veritable fight over who got prime sandwich position too.)  With the semi-final pressure upon them, Selasi finally got the fear – instead of winging it with some alternative theory about the benefits of un-sieved flour, he lost valuable time starting from scratch.  No!!!!  That’s not the Selasi way!  Then we got frowns, pacing, self-flagellation with a spatula, and finally – the sweats.  At least Perks was on hand to towel him down with a piece of torn-off kitchen roll. 

Lucky escape #1: The other three were shoo-ins, really.  At one point, Jane nearly dropped her palmiers, but Andrew invoked the “five second rule”.  (I thought it was three, but whatever…). 

Ma Baker: Andrew triumphed – to his absolute mystification.  Maybe it was his Toryminister power-squatting stance.

Lippy-watch:  The semi-final vibe was so serious Candice didn’t even take the time to reapply!  Mel expressed concerns before wielding the mulberry.

Smut-watch:  "My fondant is just oozing" worried Andrew.  "I'm just rolling in my nuts" proclaimed Candice.

Fondant-watch: How does Mr Kipling do it?  See Mary – *this* is why they go for shop-bought fondant.

Next time: The final.  Karen Harms (Andrew) versus Katie Mason (Jane) versus Sally Ramsden (Candice).  Candice’s pout FTW! 

2016 GBBO Mini blog. Week 8

Tudor Week

"Tudor Week": Hashtag lllllllllolz.  Looking forward to the Hilary Mantel spin-off.

Mel & Sue Sandwich: INEXPLICABLY, it was Benjamina who left us.  Errrr…. Seriously guys, how did that happen...? 

Or, to put it another way... 

What did Selasi wing this week?:  TOTAL SURVIVAL!  Also: “Just gonna bosh some steam holes in my pies with this bic”.

Ma Baker: When she’s in the running Candice’s face has this amazing tension between gritty-determination and brink-of-tears-about-to-full-on-snot-sob. I love her. And her peacock was pretty amazing (not a #smutwatch reference).

Smut-watch: What a week!  Just when I thought the winner would be Selasi grimacing as he ‘pestled his mortar’ just out of shot, along came Andrew's knights and their giant caramel balls.

Blazer-watch: Mary’s party blazers are out, Sue’s Sound of Music Nazi blazers are in.

Judge-watch: Paul continued to endear himself to precisely no-one as he squeezed Jane’s bakes with seconds to spare and walked away with an unreadable expression on his face.  Enjoy your dictatorship of terror at Channel 4, Paul.  BUH-BYE.

Next time: The semi-final.

2016 GBBO Mini blog. Week 7

Bye bye: You could never quite call it with Tom - some weeks Berrywood LOVED him.  But this week he didn't scrub up - serving, for example, a chocolate-covered slab as a fancy roulade (then claiming he *wanted* it to look a bit crappy).  It might have helped if he'd gone for a better piece of kit than a teeny hot pink handheld fan to cool his wares - even a 99p shop would think twice about stocking that piece of tat.  He'd have frankly been better off breathing on it.

Ma Baker: Andrew.  True to her word, Mel kept his meringue botch job a secret - and he only went and won the Technical.  In your FACE, Paul.

Smut-watch: "My nuts are golden brown" quoth Tom.

What did Selasi try wing this week: How I lolz-ed when he attempted to salvage his slimy bogie green mousse by cutting the wobbly sides with a square mould.

Every single week: the closing Technical montage makes it look like they've entirely messed up whatever fiendish pud Mary and Paul have insisted on, and then they lay them on the Gingham Altar and - boom - a set of incredible-looking marjolaines.

Lippy-watch: A friend texted in fury that the internet had been unable to explain to her what colour Candice was sporting. "What is the point of Twitter if it does not have this info? Sad face emoji".  #truedat.

Next week: Tudor Week.  TUDOR WEEK!!!!!!!!!  In which someone seemingly makes a knight out of poo.

2016 GBBO Mini blog. Week 6

Erm, what is ‘Botanicals Week’?: "Anything that grows goes" we’re told.  Cue a disappointing lack of special herbal cookies with a nice relaxing effect, the likes of which might cause Angelina Jolie to divorce you.

Bye bye: Rav – he did well to sneak this far, after throwing up more than one hot mess in the last few weeks. I still think of him waving that solitary piece of batter/dough/whatever at the camera that he forgot to add to his dozen whatever it was they were making (yup, my quality blogging continues...).

Lucky escape: Andrew made dry cake and Jane smeared toddler-style finger painting on the sides of hers.  Bit embarrassing for a gardener to mess up botanicals week, isn’t it?

Ma Baker: Somehow Tom swanned in last minute, because he enjoys bringing home-made posh herby bread to the pictures as a cinema snack.  Come on dude, what's wrong with overpriced stale popcorn?

Smut-watch: Everyone was having a mare with the stiffness of their meringue, though Selasi was this week's King of Smut.  Not only did he outright fail to pronounce "physalis" as anything other than "syphilis", but Freud would plenty to say about his sketches of an oval bread with vertical lines done the middle.

Fashion-watch: Selasi was highly unimpressed at Hollywood's lack of floral. Quite right too - if you're known for shiny shirts, the least you can do is pick a garish number for botanicals week.  Booooo Paul.

The new shop bought fondant: Mary had a right sulk about the meringue blowtorching, didn't she? She couldn't stop going on about how she wanted them done in the oven. Didn't stop her tucking in. 

Lippy-watch: Candice sports a nude lip!  It's getting serious.

Next week: Dessert

2016 GBBO Mini blog. Week 5

Pastry week

Channel 4-gate: No Mel, no Sue, and now, NO MARY!  Brexit might have divided Britain but on this it is united - Paul is a greedy traitor and it just won't be Bake Off anymore. (It's like when Keisha left the Sugababes...)  I wonder if that £25 million seems such a bargain now?  What a pavlova-ver. I imagine C4 must be in a bit of a frangipanic etc etc.

Bye bye: Val. Apparently dental floss and broom handles don't cut Mary's mustard as baking accessories.  Nor does entirely ignoring a Berry recipe in favour of making your own soggy-bottomed Bakewell tart. 

Lucky escape: Tom, for thinking dregs of Weetabix pastries (sorry "wheat biscuit") and chocolate powdered-meat would be enjoyable flavour combinations. 

Ma Baker: Glorious Candice - invoking the slightly X-Factor spirit of deceased grandmother to mask how she almost set fire to the tent. 

What did Selasi entirely wing this week: "Yeah yeah, I ate many mangos growing up in Ghana..." *inspiration suddenly dawns* "…and that's why I'm calling this my ‘Totally Didn't Just Make Up A Name On The Spot Oh No Ghanian Swirly Danish Thing’".

Generation wars: Benjamina and Selasi were not happy about the ‘Bakewell Generation’ and their perceived advantage in the Technical.  They didn't hold back from throwing shade at the "olds", did they?

Smut-watch: "It's better to be wetter" - no not Candice, but Val providing a last hurrah.  Don't worry though, Candice still makes Smut-watch; she managed references to "bashing it out" and "giving your sausages a good squeeze", as well as getting Mary to handle a truly giant black pudding. 

Baking terms-watch: Seven series later, I realise that lamination is FOLDING.  It's just folding!  Man..!

Next week: Botanical Week?!?!?!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Amazing.

2016 GBBO Mini blog. Week 4

First things first...

RIP GBBO?!?: Well, pass me the Zivania-infused Cypriot bread and get me a ruddy grip!  I think we all need the Mel and Sue sandwich this week...  Basically, Mary, Paul, Mel and Sue are the GBBO Beatles – and who wants to see the Wings of televised baking? (Or, even worse, the Paul McCartney - Hollywood'll hold on til Challenge TV are making it, won't he?)

But anyway, let's not dwell - we still have several weeks of good baking cheer left.  And we mustn't ignore the WONDER that was...

Batter Week

Mel & Sue Sandwich: Cheerio Kate - back to the farm.  She must’ve wished she'd had a BATTER week, EH?  (Mwahaha, all the chortles.)  But her Christmas Yorkshires were too small and her rabbit churros were too demonic.

Lucky escape: (Val’s going to win this thing, isn’t she?)  Tom came closest to going - though he was frankly lucky he wasn’t ejected from the tent for putting fennel in his churros - yuck.  His Sig Bake didn't go well either, but I’d OBVIOUSLY still have eaten his excessively flat Yorkshire Puddings – sure, it’s better if they rise, but a Yorkie’s a Yorkie.  You eat it regardless.

Ma Baker: Benjamina – though I can’t really remember what she did this week.  I think she made churros that looked like churros.

Smut-watch: Selasi’s lace pankies looked like bums, whilst Candice confirmed she’s a “tosser all the way”.  Candice always makes smut-watch, doesn't she?  What a gal.

What has Selasi tried to wing this week?:  Paul looks at Selasi’s churros. “They’re burnt, Selasi.” Selasi does innocent face. “Are they?”

Baking doesn’t get any BATTER than this: 

A sample of texts received from my sister during the show:

“Yorkshire puddings. The pinnacle of food.”

“Oh lord.  Wellington.  Yes.”

“I’d just have a Yorkshire pudding filled with more Yorkshire pudding and covered in a Yorkshire pudding.”

“At uni, I once bought a whole pack of aunt Bessie’s Yorkshire puddings, cooked them all and ate them in one sitting. Like pop corn.”

“100% real.”

“Batter week is the BOMB.”

“It is the opposite of crepe.”

“I only speak the truth.”

She DOES only speak the truth.  Batter Week – you’ll remain in our hearts as a one-off thing of fried, delicious beauty.  It was a wondrous time, even though the only way to improve a Yorkshire Pudding is to double your quantities of Yorkshire Pudding.

Next time: Pastry.  Don't even THINK about going shop-bought.

2016 GBBO Mini blog. Week 3

Bread Week

Mel & Sue Sandwich: Poor baby-young Michael - clearly so gutted, he got everyone’s mum hormones going by looking oh so puppy dog sad.  His Cypriot bread was a bit of a sight though – not even getting Paul tipsy helped. I say tipsy – that shot looked like even Keith Richard would struggle.

Lucky escape:  Teflon Val, though I’m not sure how (unless being least worst of the worst in the technical actually counts for something).  Paul was openly mocking her ark bread animals, which did look dubious to me, I must admit.  But maybe there *were* two Stay Puft Marshmellow Men on board with Noah.

Ma Baker: Tom, for making Thor’s hammer out of bread and refusing to admit there were any phallic implications.

Smut-watch: Whilst we’re on that theme... It was Ball Chat mainly, thanks to that steamy technical.  We learned from Candice that no-one likes an under-filled ball, whilst poor Rav’s were deemed damp and lumpy.  Meanwhile, Benjamina discussed softening plums.

Made-up stories: I particularly enjoyed Mary laughing at Selasi and calling total bullsh*t on his Bedouin bread-sharing tale.  I’d also like to hear more about Kate’s conveniently named “Nanny Cobbled”.  Can anyone really be as jolly innocent as Kate?  I predict she’ll properly explode in the tent eventually - an all-encompassing diva strop that will blow Bingate out of the water.

Montage-watch: the facial expressions as they read their Dampfnoodle recipes. My sides!  Amazing.  Better than Gingerbuilding Collapse.

Food History: Thank GOODNESS Mr Cad made me watch Mel’s trip to Freckenfeld.  Her groovy moves to ze German Barbershop Quartet was an episode highlight.

Next time: Brand new concept Batter Week, which looks fantastic – ripe for baking disasters we’ve never seen before and a whole new universe of puns.  Hope they ‘whisk’ some good ones. Am sure they’ll be ‘batter’ than ever.  Roflolz etc.

2016 GBBO Mini blog. Week 2

Biscuit Week

Mel Sandwich: Without Sue, it’s more of a tartine, I guess...  Anyway, it was Welsh Louise who was woman-handled in the name of sympathy – after her dream wedding venue/gingerbread church caved in entirely, mere seconds before judging. (Oh how I enjoyed the disaster montage!) Berrywood were so appalled they saw no reason not to exchange an openly bitchy look as poor Louise trekked up with her crumpled offering.

Lucky escape:  Val clings on for one more week.  The writing has to be on the wall next week– unless she’s a secret master-baker.

Ma Baker: Candice, with a FLIPPIN’ AMAZIN’ gingerbread pub, complete with jelly pool table and gingercake carpet.  And we get to see another lippy shade to boot.

Gingerbread ‘story’: (Story?!  What is this airy pretentiousness?!)  Good old Michael - oh to be 19 and choose ‘meeting Santa’ as your life’s highlight.  What would you pick? Obviously I would choose attending the Eurovision Song Contest giving birth to my beautiful son Max, though I’m not entirely sure how that would translate to biscuit form.

Smut-watch: Where to begin!?!  Who’d have thought the innuendo action would increase WITHOUT Perkins?  It was a total filth-fest, from Tom stuffing fistfuls of sausage, via Mel’s warm hands on Rav’s bag (and Candice’s jugs), to Mary and Paul professing a keenness to taste carpet and Val’s sister respectively.  I need a lie-down and some smelling salts.

Berryspeak: “informal” and “clumsy” – Mary’s euphemisms for “total shit”.

Clock-watch: Engineer Andrew had four clocks.  FOUR CLOCKS.  How many ovens was he even using?  #stillmyfav #candiceaclosesecond

Next time: Paul’s patronizing smugness hits its peak – it’s bread week.

2016 GBBO Mini blog. Week 1

Cake week

Mel & Sue Sandwich: Reverend Lee; back to cooking demos in a church in Bolton - his ganache lacked panache, and Paul couldn't forgive him for oversizing his mirror glaze.  But the real loser here is me - I had Lee in the work sweepstake.  Farewell £24 winnings.

Lucky escape #1: Val, bless her – not the sharpest blade in the Magimix?  Seriously though, little sounds more revolting than a lemonade and liqueur drizzle cake.  

Lucky escape #2: PE teacher/lipstick fan Candice had a rubber-sponged shocker.  But we can’t lose Candice yet!  Not only is she part of a potential tent romance with Selasi (#salacioustotallymadeupgossip), but her post-cake drop exclamation of "MOTHER HUGGER!" was brilliant - clearly training adolescent girls to play hockey teaches you to suppress even the juiciest swears.

Lucky escape #3: At one point, I honestly thought we were heading for Freezergate Two.

Ma Baker: Jane beat out Redhead Andrew and Banker/Biker Selasi.  Even though he took the credit for Candice's idea to add forgotten cinnamon to his drizzle (we’ll put that down to his budding crush), I think Selasi could be the oxymoron that is a ‘likeable banker’…

Smut-watch: Who had Perkins during first five minutes? Good old Sue, proclaiming "ultimate moistness" at 20.03.  The (innocent) winner, though, was Nice Kate, she of the swallows obsession - "I like the flavour of a Cox".  Too much.

Blue plaster-watch: Rav. 8.06pm.

Unusual ingredient-watch: “Really, you’ve never heard of yuzu?” NO RAV, NO-ONE HAS.  A cross between lemon and lime apparently.  Perhaps that could have saved Tom's G&T drizzle cake - even too boozy for Bezza. (Whaaat?!)

Phrases you don’t hear for a year: “Gingham altar”

Is it just me or…: Have Mel & Sue have started to run out of links?

Über-geek observation: Benjamina's sister has the Kathryn zebra scarf in red.  AS DO I.

Next time: Gingerbread structure collapse week.

(* Or "MOTHER HUBBARD" as I originally heard...) 

2016 GBBO contestants

1. 25 year old Andrew is a Norn Iron Rolls-Royce aerospace engineer who went to Cambridge. Andrew is designing a baguette concorde. 

2. Benjamina is a 23 year old Economics grad and Sarf Londoner.  She follows online cake fashions, which I’d be wary of telling Mary, who must surely believe all bake knowledge can only come from a book. Her book. (Shove it, Delia.)

3. North London PE teacher Candice grew up in pubs, so Bezza will be right in there.  Candice has a pug called Dennis and bakes in jammies or new heels.

4. Beckenham woman Jane, 61, designs gardens for a living and owns a leopard print apron.  Macarons are her nemesis.

5. Kate, 37 (such a youthful age these days) is a Norfolk farmer’s daughter and qualified nurse, so the blue plasters will be safe in her hands.  She enjoys a seasonal fruit.

6. Builder turned pastor Lee is 67.  We’re told “he doesn’t veer too far from the norm but does enjoy a taste of the exotic every now and again”, so Norman mark two?  One can only hope. #lavendergate #stillhurts

7. Michael is a Durham Uni politics student who bakes cakes in his student house in the early hours of the morning.  Normal cakes, of course. Normal cakes baked at 2am.  Totally totally normal cakes.

8. Rav, 28, is from Erith and likes vegan baking.  I suspect Sue will spend minimal time at his station.

9. 30 year old Selasi is originally from Ghana.  He’s a biker with his own motorcycle club, but also enjoys a delicate cupcake.  Name me a biker who doesn't.

10. Tom, 26, works in the arts and resides in trendy East London – this helpfully explains why his hobby is 'making his own cheese and salami'.  He and his wife also “like to make a real event out of every dinner time”, which doesn’t make them sound unbearable at all, oh no.  He’s recently lost 30 kilos though, so here’s my grudging respect.

11. Louise, 46, recently trekked around the Andes.  She is a Welsh hairdresser, which bodes super well in terms of reality TV vintage (Big Brother Helen, Charleine off the Apprentice).

12. Retired primary Head Val says she can make the classics with her eyes closed, so will clearly butcher a vicky sponge in week one.  Apparently she can often be found doing aerobics in her kitchen whilst she waits for her jam to boil or her bread to prove.  In the tent of course, she'll find herself desperately staring at an oven, grapevines the furthest thing from her mind.

Great British Sewing Bee - 2016 - Week 1

Basic construction week

Another year, another trip to an impeccably cool London warehouse full of fabric and bobbins. Another fine-seeming bunch of contestants too, though no Buddhist prison chaplain #sadtimes 

New judge: May has been silently replaced with Edna Mode, AKA Esme Young, film costumer and designer for Cher (FOR CHER!).  May was a sweetheart, but I’ve already completely taken to Esme (SHE DRESSED CHER!).  She especially made her mark this week by talking arse; complimenting a particularly fine buttock-showcasing skirt, and making the model totes blush.

Sew long, farewell: Scottish Duncan (he of the Vanilla-Ice-and-then-some hairspray quiff) didn’t quite make the grade, so was first to leave the haberdashery – with the usual lonely walk and ceremonial switching off of the lights.  Tracey was the lucky survivor, which means her husband will definitely have to go to Tesco’s to get his own dinner next week – am sure he’ll survive.

The Pattern Task:  A top cut on the bias, which I think means ‘making things all diagonal-ish’.  It was all about matchy matchy lines – a problem for Ghislaine, who initially went for blurry blurry lines (obviously not in a Robin Thicke rapey way, of course).  Stay at home dad Jamie won out over science editor Charlotte - perhaps because she spent most of her time very sweetly helping footballer Josh.  Charlotte is probably my early favourite as she wants to replace her three children's bedrooms with the haberdashery and made pyjamas for them which listed their place in the family pecking order. #parentalrolemodel

The Alteration Task:  We’re used to May wow-ing in wonder at the alterations, but there’s a new attitude in town now - open disappointment at the mundane.  To be fair, it wasn’t super impressive to see pretty much every blue maternity smock turned into a skirt – no wonder Jamie made it two for two, with a slightly crazed de-constructed dress, even though - hushed tones - it looked a hot mess to me...

(Can I suggest a maternity clothes week though – there is *significant* scope for more preggers fashion.)

The Sew-stopper Task: Made to measure skirts – and a great selection, thanks very much.  Lots of swishy catwalk potential from the models, apart from the aforementioned bum-tastic pencil one.  I was expecting it to get the whit-whoo sexy background music, but I guess they must be saving that for bra and stockings week.

Garment Of The Week: The bum skirt, of course!  It was all about that bass, about that bass, no treble (etc).  So well done Northern Irish Angeline. 

RIP: The programme was dedicated to last year's finalist Lorna Monje (and, for the very very little it’s worth, so is this blog).  Lorna was a friend’s aunt and, for me, a Great British All-Time Favourite.  She was, by all accounts, a wonderful person – which was so evident from what we saw from her on the show.  Thanks for being such a warm, smart and funny piece of my TV life, Lorna.  Her family have set up a JustGiving page here.