The Great Pottery Throw Down - 2015 - Week 4

Thrown out: Sandra – her casual relationship with deadlines finally got the better of her; it turns out that hanging around, chatting, and checking out Major Tom’s sweaty manframe, does not enable you to build a five foot clay garden structure in seven hours – indeed it forces you to hurriedly cut out a zigzag Teletubby tentacle to stick on the top (Dipsy’s apparently) in a desperate attempt to gain some cheaty height.  Judge Kate’s face was spectacularly unimpressed; a clay aerial is to Kate, what a baking raising agent is to Mary Berry.

Top of the pots: Matthew again – for being brilliant, mind.  His industrial ceramic structure was truly marvellous, and the worthy recipient of Keith’s tears.

Main make: The aforementioned five-foot garden sculpture, which provided immediate smut-watch, as Matthew brandished a tape measure and queried whether they didn’t mean five inches.

Spot test: Pimp My Chimney Pot.  Our potters had to turn chimney pots into strawberry pots, which have lots of holes in for the strawbs to poke through.  Cue more filth therefore, as this involved sticking appendages (snigger) over holes (snigger). Rockabilly Jim took a risk with some deliberately messy joining – thumbprints galore. It worked, as art at least – might be more problematic if the police were ever after him.

Throw down: Ten minutes to make the widest possible plate with “no sagging or flopping rims” - I mean...

Competition-watch: Matthew is probably deadlocked-head and shoulders above the rest, but Major Tom is all out for Rockabilly Jim – we've not seen this level of naked competitiveness on the Great British Televised Middle Class Pursuit since Kimberly Bake Off got hounded on Twitter.  The testosterone was buzzzing to the degree that Major Tom decided it was better to crazy sweaty from using his MAN strength to roll out his clay, rather than employing the specialist mangle thing the others went for. Next stop, a Tom v Jim Women In Love-style wrestle? In wet clay, obvs.

Smut-watch: It’s more a case of which bits weren’t the height of lewdness at his point. Move aside baking, pottery is way ruder.

The Great Pottery Throw Down - 2015 - Week 3

Thrown out: Sexy vet James – Judge Keith was really upset that one of his five vases wasn’t as matchy-matchy as the others.  But we also lost Joanna, who left for personal reasons.

Top of the pots: Dready Matthew - indeed Kate wanted to snaffle one of his vases under her floral blouse.  Matthew used a technique called “sgraffito” and confidently explained that the word was where “graffiti” came from - as it originated from cavemen scratching their names and cock and ball pics into walls (or something... I paraphrase).  He then suggested the BBC fact-check that one.

Main make: Ten long-necked ‘raku’ cases. Nothing to do with hot handed massages or the recent Eurovision host with the dodgy human rights record, but rather using a dramatic outdoor oven and FIRE IN A BIN to get amazing patterns and a cracked texture on the surface of your crockery.  The potters also had to use comedy tongs to take their creations from oven to bin (think those booth machines at the fairground where you manipulate a flimsy robot hand to pick up a cuddly toy until it inevitably drops back down at the last moment), before plunging their vases into water (think a pottery Russian banya).  In short, SO MUCH CRACK POTENTIAL!  Indeed Sandra had major trouble with her tongs, and dropped a vase on to the ground.  Heartbreaking.

Keith’s tears: Fortunately Sandra was rewarded for her emotional journey and her cracked vase trauma with Keith’s weeping - he cried at her “resolve” and her five lovely vases.

Middle class pottery implement of the week: Jane created her bin fire out of manure from her family farm.  Vet James did less well, bringing what looked like a pound shop water sprayer for the raku-ing.  It promptly broke.

Spot test: Slip decoration on jugs. To be honest, I didn’t really understand what that meant, by which I mean I totally tuned out during the technical explanation-y bit and then just looked at the preeeeety designs.

Throw down: Keith threw two candlesticks, then hid them, and the potters then had to copy them. This was far more tense and entertaining than you might think.

Smut-watch: “Jugs”.

The Great Pottery Throw Down - 2015 - Week 2

Thrown out: Smiling Nigel, after the bottom fell off his basin - making it fairly unusable. Who will Sara Cox flirt with now her "tangerine dream" has gone? At least Nigel went out in a blaze of TV glory, decorating a tile by printing his name on it repeatedly - in a blind judging task. 

Top of the pots: Rockabilly Jim - more on his offerings later, viewers. But it was Major Tom's washbasin which made Judge Keith so totes emosh, he shed a little tear. Keith's tears are the new Hollywood handshake. 

Main make: Seven days to make a washbasin - yeGads they were impressive and beautiful. Rockabilly Jim's golden turtle decor was especially fantastic. I thought I loved my sleek geometric plain white washbasin until now - might try painting some gold leaf animals on. Or see what texture I can create with some crusty toothpaste markings.

Spot test: Surface decor on the aforementioned tiles. There was a disappointing lack of sexualised moves in the potters' decorating actions. 

Throw down: Wheeling the tallest possible pot - BLINDFOLDED. Cue an enthusiastic Sara Cox, armed with innuendo and a tape measure. Turns out Matthew had the biggest one. 

Observations on the nosey home life bit: Major Tom's daughter is simultaneously aghast and thrilled that her brother admitted to not liking some of their dad's cups. Sandra's son appears to sport a feather in the back of his otherwise entirely conventional hairstyle. 

Smut-watch: Potting's not just cocks, ladies and gents! Gay vet (as in animals not old-timer) James thinks Jane's made a vagina-y bowl. Jane surmises that he's probably not seen too many examples. 

Middle class pottery implement of the week: Art teacher Matthew used his students' pottery stamps to decorate his basin (touching inspiration or child labour?), but Major Tom wins thanks to his porcupine's quill from Zimbabwe.

The Great Pottery Throw Down - 2015 - Week 1

The dramz and smut levels in the Great Pottery Throw Down are up there with Bake Off, so I made a number of notes on my iPhone, which can only mean one thing.  I must mini blog.

Our presenter: I have enjoyed Sara Cox's work since she presented Eurovision off her boobs on lambrini.  In the very fine Mel and Sue and Claude tradition, she has a lovely mix of supportive and mocking, particularly when bantzing with an older gentleman.  Case in point: Sara merrily chatted to Nigel about whether his wife had shown any interest in joining him pot, as he stroked a wet phallic piece of clay in a downward motion.

Our judges: The Mary Potter is Kate Malone, the arty potter. She believes pottery is better than sex.  The Paul Potter is Keith Brymer Jones, who makes mugs for the stars. He does not believe pottery is better than sex.  In the fine tradition of male judges, Keith has a proud look involving rather individual hair and shirt detail (balding greased spikes/Ray Winston at a Summer wedding). Keith also cries with emotion at the pots, so HE'S ACE.

Kiln keeper: I think Rich, the kiln man, could gain quite a cult following... I will be watching Rich's appearances with great interest.

Our Great British location: The pottery tent/haberdashery is... Stoke on Trent

Our contestants: Everyone immediate claims not be a typical potter. One thing is clear - they are all typical Great British Something competitors. Funky hair or funky facial hair - tick; builders, decorators etc - tick; sexy arty posh lady designers - tick; sexy gay medic (for animals) - tick; well to do army man - tick; some mums - tick; some community/key workers - tick; all seemingly absolutely lovely - tick tick tick.

Task #1: The Main Make. 

Five bowls which fit into each other. For which they have four days! The bakers must be sneering at such time-based luxury to mould, bake and decorate summat. I josh. There's wheeling, drying, wheeling and cutting, drying, kilning, AND decorating involved. The number of stages at which things can go wrong is perilously high. The dramz!

Task #2. The Spot Test.

A short period of time to show a basic clay skill. This week, it's making and putting handles on traditional and modern mugs.  This involves pulling, which, frankly, is wanking off a clay penis by any another name.

Task #3: The Throw Down

A competitive speed challenge - five kilos of clay and twenty minutes to make as many egg cups as possible.  Clearly this is brilliant television.

Smut-watch: HIGH. My God, so high. SO HIGH. We had wetting, wedging, slapping and pulling in the space of about five minutes. Pottery really is all about sex - no wonder Ghost was so successful.

Thrown out: Rehka. She gave it a good go - disguising less-than-perfect pottery as conceptual art by writing 'wobbly bottom' on a bowl with a, yep, wobbly bottom - but it was not to be.

Top Pot: Major Tom. He was the speediest at egg cups.