2014 Episode 3 - Bread week

Last week: Richard won the day with a sexy mer-troll biscuit.  Enwezor was Berry publicly admonished for using shop-bought fondant.

Blazer watch: It's British Summer Torrential Rain And Arctic Temperatures Week, so Mel and Sue are wearing polar puffa parkas with fur lined hoods that I crave pretty much more than any cake I've seen to date.  (How to date oneself as a teenager of the nineties, eh?)  Mary's blazer is ombré style; white fading into pastel tie-dye.  Paul has gone for a 'daring' pale lemon shirt and a minimalist one-turn cuff; it's bread week – time to get Holly-serious.

The Signature bake: Twelve rye rolls.

Paul smugs it out with a warning that rye is difficult because... blah blah less gluten blah blah no-one can make bread as well as me blah blah blah haughty look.  Mary says something wise about treacle.

But enough of the experts!  Action (kitchen) stations!  Paul kicks off by interrogating Martha about the shine she's going to get on the top of Date and Walnut Rye Rolls and displays genuine surprise when she says she's going to use egg wash.  He tells her “That's very daring, because...” then remembers that he’s not allowed to help the bakers, even the school age ones, and adds “well, I will explain it later”. Paul’s clearly quite perplexed here, torn between wanting to be impressed that the child Martha can handle eggwash on rye, and wanting to be able to revel in future ITOLDYOUSO smugery when she has a eggwash disaster.

No word on Norman’s eggwash plans.  Instead he’s displaying his well-established attitude towards fancy things by announcing that he is “no Heston Blumenthal”, in a voice that makes it clear that he does not hold the use of liquid nitrogen as a cooking staple in particularly high regard.  His Rye Bread Rolls' flavourings are limited to “a wee bit of treacle”, but - hang on a second - he's also adding sultanas and caraway seeds.  What progress!  Carry on like this and Norman will be throwing some za'atar into the mix come next week.

Luis is making ‘Opposites Attract’ Rolls, surely in tribute to Paula Abdul's exceptional pop work with MC Skat Kat.  (I mock, but it actually won a Grammy – AS IT SHOULD HAVE.)  Anyway, it turns out that Luis’ rolls are in fact called ‘Opposites Attract’ because he's using a light dough and a dark dough.  The light dough will be made of pale fennel and parsnip and the darker dough will be made of coffee, chocolate and carrot because WHAAAT?

Whilst Nancy, Martha and Luis are all slapping around a lovely elastic-y looking dough, Jordan's is a little more lumpy.  He blames the low gluten content.  Mary pointedly asks him if he’s concerned that it’s too dry and Jordan merrily responds that his Rye and Spelt Bread Rolls have been fine at home.  Oh Jordan, at least you’ll always have mindless optimism.

Kate's planning Orange and Cardamom Rye Bread Knots.  Mary's concerned that "little Kate" is at a disadvantage with all the heavy kneading and arm pain.  Kate responds by flashing an impressive Pop-eye bicep bulge.  Perks immediately leans in to cop a feel.

Bap puns so far: a disappointing zero.

Richard tells us his Rye and Cranberry Rolls, filled with treacle coffee and cinnamon, are an American pumpernickel, which confuses Sue, who thought pumpernickel was German (subtext: pumpernickel should, by rights, allow her an opportunity to do a comedy Euro accent).  Richard explains that the Americans have a quick cheat version, which he’s going for, but Paul, ever to type, proclaims that he does not accept the existence of an American pumpernickel - in a similar way to how Richard Osman is only allowed to accept countries which are sovereign states recognised by the United Nations.  

Is it just me, or is there something extremely snarf snarf about the word pumpernickel?  (It’s the ‘pump’, isn’t it?  And the ‘nickel’.)

Diana is adding her cheeses (British, of course) to her dough, which will rise to form Rustic Picnic Rolls.  Mary, always one to aid a fellow Grey Hair Mafiosa, surreptitiously tries to get Diana some hints by ‘innocently’ asking “Paul, tell me, what effect will that have, will it take longer to rise?”.  Paul may sometimes be insufferably superior, but he’s no fool and is having none of it: “I can’t tell you that now, Mary”.  “Oh” says Mary, playing dumb.  Poor Diana, who didn't even ask for any help in the first place, looks even more confused than she did before the whole sorry episode began.

Dramatic montage #1: the bakers are putting things in the proving drawer and sitting around bored, waiting for dough to rise.  It’s not amazing telly, to be honest, though it does pick up when Norman is moved to formally inspect the tent's decorative tea cups.   

Come on Class of 2014 – relax a little!  Cathryn (Class of 2o12) would never have put up with that level of quiet and would have co-opted Sarah Jane into a low-level food fight by now, whilst James Shetland and John homoerotically flicked caraway seeds at each other and...

ANYWAY.

Chetna is actually managing to keep busy, frying onion and pine nuts for her, would you believe it, Onion & Pine Nut Rolls.  She describes the accompanying lentil chutney as both not light and not dense, which it’s clear means, ‘who knows, we’ll just see what happens’.   As she starts to knead, her dough starts shitting pine nuts, as they just aren’t sticking; perhaps her dough is too light and/or too dense.

Nancy says “I’m going to do pear, cider and...” but Mary is already leaning on in there for a good sniff, because, you know, CIDER, so who cares what else is going in.  It’s walnut apparently, to form Cider & Walnut Crusty Rolls.  Paul starts to ask questions about grams and cooking times but Nancy essentially tells him to talk to the hand, as he’ll put her off her game.  Good girl.  Mary chuckles conspiratorially.

Martha, who doesn’t yet have the age and experience of knowing better than to always listen to some men just because they boom a bit, is panicking about her eggwash.  Paul’s put her right off, but eggwash was always the plan – she can’t not stick to her plan, can she?  Can she?!?

Iain is using a sourdough for his Cranberry and Walnut Rye Bread Rolls.  He’s been brewing it for five months in a cupboard.   I wonder if it has a name?  If it's not too cool, maybe it could hang out with Jordan’s sour dough Yorick and they could chat bacteria.

It’s Mel turn to chat up Norman this week; after Sue got a go at semaphore, Mel is using the means of electronic thermometer guns to flirt, as she and Norman take turns measuring each others’ temperature.  Norman coquettishly tells Mel she has raised his temperature by 0.1 degrees.

Martha is in the process of applying eggwash.  I repeat, Martha is in the process of applying eggwash.  She’s going for it, kids!  It’s so tense...

Richard is also adding eggwash, but is less worried about the associated risks.  With all the confidence of man responsible for ensuring buildings stay upright, he says he doesn’t know whether it’s a good idea, but the only way to find out is to do it, then be told off for it, and have Paul explain to him why it was a terrible idea.  It’s a tactic, certainly.

There’s a bit of last minute buns action as everyone chucks their rye rolls into their baskets, before Sue calls time on the “hot baps”.   

The judges sweep in.  I can barely breathe, such is the eggwash-based tension.

(Very, very) good: Kate’s rolls are “really scrumptious and the orange is just perfect”.  Luis receives the Hollywood handshake and is is bowled over. “Pure alchemy” says Paul.

(Really not that) bad: Nancy’s buns are just a few minutes away from being “almost perfection”.  Chetna’s, meanwhile, are “rather flat” but have an “absolutely delicious” flavour”.  Iain has offered up “a nice roll” with a “lovely flavour”.  

(Only a little bit) ugly: Norman’s buns are sadly deemed “a little bit simple”.  Richard’s underbaked his rye, as has Jordan.  The appearance of Diana’s rolls are deemed “not very appealing” - well that’s until Paul decides to pimp Diana’s baps (as it were) by removing her pots and ripping off the edging. 

Time for Eggwashgate - the results.  Drum roll please!  Paul takes a bite... “Because you put the glaze on the top” says Paul, “it falsely accuses the roll of being ready”.  Booooo, it’s eggwashfail!  Though the judges don’t hate the rolls themselves, so it’s not a total disaster.  Or indeed much of a disaster at all. 

Well, that was quite a lot of plot build for some eggwash – though, in all fairness, what is Bake Off if not getting millions of people to worry about the televised implications of coating the top of some flour, yeast and water with an egg by-product?

Foodistory: Sue goes to a “spice dungeon” to make a wig, which is apparently not acrylic hair, but some kind of spicy bread.  The history bit is that Samuel Pepys ate one once.

Animal shot: I see you unspecified wild foul, shaking that ass.

The Technical Challenge:  Four Ciabatta Loaves.

Paul advises the bakers to “be patient”, before leaving the tent looking oh so pleased with himself. 

We learn that ciabattas came about because the Italians were worried about the popularity of French baguettes.  Hahahahahaha!  Don’t get me wrong – I enjoy a ciabatta.  But better than a baquette?  Non monsieur.

The instructions are typically sparse about exactly where to prove the dough and no-one is quite sure what to do.  The bakers adopt a range of techniques – using the proving drawer, not using the proving drawer, using and then not using the proving drawer, not using and then using the proving drawer, and – in Chetna’s case – sticking the dough tub on the floor where the sun is coming through the window.  The British clouds kindly respond by running in and letting rip with torrential rain and reduced temperatures.

Sue throws out some spoilers to the TV viewership: proving drawer = bad.  It will over-activate the dough, like it had had 17 Fantas and several hundred pieces of birthday cake, but is too excited and overtired to get the hell to bed.  

Luis is holding firm and hasn’t used the drawer.  Kate’s teetering.  “Don’t buckle” Luis advises her.   

Dramatic montage #2: a range of attempts at unpeeling super sticky dough from a board.  Chetna’s spraying oil on to her cutter which seems... inadvisable.  But what do I know?

Mel calls “half an hour to go” in fluent Italian and gives the camera a delightfully proud side glance.  She even has the accent on “Bake Off” nailed: “Baaayka-orrfff”.

Dramatic montage #3: oven removal time.  I can almost smell the ciabattas and they smell GOOOOOOD.

Tecchie Rankings: Jordan comes tenth, then Iain, Chetna, Diana, Richard, Nancy, and – this week’s highest climber – Norman, up to fourth.  Martha gets third, Luis comes second, which means Kate wins.  Paul says it was a close call at the top.

The Show-stopper:  A bread centrepiece – a filled loaf.  It’s got to look good, inside and out.

Iain tells us it’s his “last chance to rise to the challenge”; his delivery is a little too deadpan to quite tell if he meant to pun, but let’s give him the benefit of the doubt.  By which I mean, he DID mean to pun and we are all very pleased about it.

Kate is making Prosciutto, Olive & Coriander Bread.  Paul recognises the flavours, as he lived in Greece for six years, where olive and coriander were often added to bread.  Ticket to Greece, please!  Paul’s left and that bread sounds AMAZING.  (Paul, I jest, of course.)

Ticket to Spain too, please!  To try Luis’ Roscón de Reyes, which is an ornately decorated saffron bread.  Did you know Luis was of Spanish heritage?  They’ve only mentioned it several times an episode, so you might have missed it.

Jordan’s bread is the only sweet one - Strawberry Raspberry Cheesecake Brioche.  Oddly, the picture looks a bit too yoghurty for my bread tastes, even though I have no reason to believe Jordan’s putting any actual yoghurt in there.

Diana’s Sharing Savoury Pinwheel will contain parmesan (good), ham (good) and spinach (meh).

Now then, is Norman going to fancy it up?  “It’s a strong white loaf stuffed with chicken and pesto” he puffs.  So no, not really, though I’m sure his Chicken and Roasted Vegetable Picnic Loaf will be lovely.  He is putting sea salt and oregano in too though – easy now, Norman, lest the exotic overwhelms us.

Richard’s also on Team Pesto; his Pesto Pinwheel will contain feta and walnuts.   Richard says he’s made it twenty or thirty times and Martha can scarcely believe that adult life would allow such time as to “practice a bake at least twenty times”.  A life free of homework... Wowsers.  Richard brings her back to earth by explaining that he’s fed his family with it at least twenty times, which is not quite the same.

It seems unlikely that Martha has been able to foist her Stuffed Sunflower Loaf on to her family twenty times, as it contains a French cheese called Époisses in the centre, which is soooo notoriously stinky that it’s been outright banned from French public transport.  (Though I’m willing to bet a fresh Époisses wouldn’t make any difference to the top deck of the 25 bus, which, frankly, is a total retch fest.)  Martha’s also adding apricot and fig chutney to the bread ‘petals’.  Bread, chutney and the most pungent of cheeses?  It sounds blimming amazing.

Iain’s Moroccan Plait with Bessara Dip also sounds mighty delicious.  He says picked up the recipe after travelling around Morocco for a few weeks.  I can so clearly visualise Iain in the desert, dressed in a flowing blue djellaba, learning about the perfect tagine from a Berber.  (His twin would also be there, only in red, and...) 

Moving on...

Chetna is putting mango chutney in her Rolled and Filled Twin Loaf, as well as a whole heap of veg, whilst Nancy is going for a 'Full English' Stromboli, containing the whole fry-up shebang, bar baked beans.  No offence, Cheta, but guess which bread sounds better to me?  Even Mary tells Nancy to get a move on “because we’re hungry”.  I imagine Sue already has her bread knife in hand.

Martha is carefully parcelling up her precious cheese cargo in dough, lest it disastrously leaks and stinkbombs her bread.  There is no mention of eggwash.  Richard meanwhile is being self-proclaimedly (not a word, but whatevs) “OCD” about his measurements, carefully scoring lines with his knife and inspecting each millimetre.  It’s a more reassuring approach from a builder than his previous method of “do it wrong to find out why it was wrong”.

Jordan is twisting his dough, man.  He reassures us that the raspberry gunk squirting out and creating a bloody massacre type-look is a pre-bake state of affairs only, and that, come baking, it is all absorbed.  Hmmmmkay...

Dramatic montage #4: Rock and rolling.  Except Norman, who’s just slapping a big bit of dough on top and unashamedly telling us “if it’s homemade, it should look homemade”.  Yes, but this isn’t home, Norman!  It’s a televised baking competition!  And we can’t lose you just yet!

Iain then performs a true Bake Off rarity: a successful bread-plaiting session.  Bloody hell, Iain.  Things just got very interesting...  (I’m building this up a bit too much, aren’t I?)

Dramatic montage #5: intense oven staring and an opportunity to check out footwear.  Colourful converse remain the Bake Off contestant’s shoe of choice in 2014; Iain has yellow boot ones, whilst Chetna’s are tangerine.  I imagine such exposure will lead to Kate Middleton-levels of sales increases.

Diana admits that she prefers her cheese to break through the sides of her bread at home, though appreciates that’s probably not good “when you’re under scrute”.  69 and she knows how to abbrevs like the kidz.  (Do the kidz still do that?  Did they ever?  I haven’t got a scoob etc.)

Oooooh, Norman’s planning to use “rosemary-infused olive oil”.  He’s living on the edge!  (Or, should I say...on the BREAD-GE.)

Luis is sticking gold leaf to an olive.  That, I was not expecting.

And they're done.  Time for Berrywood to step up...

Richard’s pinwheel is “very neat” and has been baked “very well”.  Richard looks typically surprised/delighted (obviously he still has his lucky pencil behind his ear - I fear a Samson-esque disaster were he to lose it).

Mary wants a risk assessment before they cut into Martha’s fromagefest: “what are we expecting just inside there?” she queries suspiciously.  She’s delighted by the fig/cheese combo though.  Paul is happy too, but thinks Martha “could have neatened up slightly on the legs”.   You mean petals, Paul – though, frankly, it really is more studded octopus than sunflower.

Mary goes a bit schoolmarm on Norman’s ass, telling him they were “looking for something very spectacular” but, looking at his bread, she’s “hoping that there’s more excitement inside”.  Sadly not, for it’s raw.

Chetna’s offering doesn’t excite the judges either.  (Though it looks like a flying saucer to me and it's fair to say that aliens that land in a ship made of bread would be well welcome in my world.)   Chetna’s mixing was a bit off, so it’s a “bit cakey rather than bready”, but does have “wonderful flavours”.

Iain’s bread looks the absolute dog’s (as in their bollocks, which is a good thing, apparently) and makes a truly satisfying crackle as Paul slices in.  Paul deems it “a bit of a success”.  I’ll start with Martha’s and have Iain’s for my main, thanks.

I don’t think I’ll move to Jordan’s brioche for dessert though – as it’s “all sunk together”.  It's true it looks like bread mushed into cheesecake.  (Then again, I don’t see why that should be a foodstuff I should willingly reject...)  The real problem is that it’s “raw dough” and “hasn’t been executed that well”.   Shame.

“As a loaf, it’s there.  As a centrepiece, it ain’t” says Paul of Nancy’s breakfast in bread.  It’s a bit full and Mary wouldn’t have added the tomato.  Quite right too – a fry up is all about the pork based products dipped into the runniest of egg yolks.  However “the flavour’s lovely”.

Paul thinks Diana’s loaf is “bold and beautiful”, though it has a bit of a soggy bottom.

And then to Kate – thus far well up in the running for Star Baker.  Clearly she’s got bread-baking talent and this is just the last hurdle.  Her bread looks goooood and Mary thinks “it’s a very clever presentation”.  Paul was worried about the gap inside.  He cuts in and announces “there is no gap.... but... it’s raw inside”.   SHOCK ALL ROUND.  Poor Kate crumples – it’s heart-breaking, actually.  Even Paul looks gutted.

Suddenly Luis’ bread success doesn’t look so obvious.  If Kate can have a mare, so can anyone.  Mary thinks it has “great presentation” and Paul is satisfied with the gap inside.  He’s not so keen on the saffron flavour of the dough, but Mary’s into it.  I’m smelling a Spanish crowning...

Time to announce the results.  Who’s going to dough?

Ma Baker: And Luis gets it.  The judges were still considering Kate, but raw dough was probably too much to overcome.  Kate looks genuinely happy for Luis though.

Mel and Sue Sandwich:  Ahhh, it’s Jordan’s time.  Alas poor Yorick.  Now then, TIME TO UP YOUR GAME, NORMAN.  It would be too soon to lose you just yet.

Next time: Desserts Week and that one week in the summer when the weather is unbearably hot and the task entirely depends on cool air and fridge setting.  Melty cream dramz ahoyz!