2014 Episode 1 - Cake week

And so hello to the twelve bakers primed and ready for soggy bottoms and underproving.  Bar a move to BBC1, it’s business as usual: Mel and Sue have dusted off their collection of elasticated waistbands; Paul has had someone press and iron every last shiny shirt cuff; Mary has carefully selected garish fashion items which simultaneously channel Miss Selfridge and Laura Ashley, and the Great British Weather God has programmed a summer of torrential rain plus one weekend of blisteringly painful sun. 

It's dough time!

First things first - a few contestant sound bites, as we try to suss out the baking swots and the personalities most likely to offer TV gold.  Norman has a dry Scottish accent and announces that he is “particularly looking forward” to having Mary Berry taste his wares; "I've been aware of her for some time", he says, with the merest hint of a raised eyebrow.  He is already my favourite.

The Signature Bake: A Swiss roll. 

The judges will especially be looking for a tight roll to create the swirl.

Jordan, who I am *trying* to like (NB: I'm not really succeeding) is sporting brightly coloured hair clips that entirely fail to wrangle his wispy hairs.  He is singing a song, which I imagine must be of his own invention, and goes "it's only a cake, it's only a cake".  Nice try, Jordan, but the Great British Bake Off is absolutely not "only a cake".  It's a prime time televised baking competition which will be judged harshly and publicly and will probably reduce you to tears within the hour.  Be warned! 

(Though don't worry too much - it also has Mel and Sue primed to descend on any cryer and promptly hug them better, whilst stealing their cake mix.) 

The first home life VT falls to Diana, who, judging by a photo of her winning a WI trophy in her teens, hasn't really changed that much in fifty-odd years - such is a life of happily married co-gardening.  Diana is making her Mum's Sunday Tea Lemon Curd Swiss Roll.  She says that her daughters have told her to CONCENTRATE.  She duly illustrates that this is good advice by admitting that, at home, she'd head out to do some weeding and just forget about the oven entirely.  Health and safety promptly train their eye on her bake station.

Luis, making a Spanish Swiss Roll, is the first victim of the Berrywood nosiness, as Paul and Mary stalk over to his kitchen to judgmentally peer at his prep.  It's a key test this - by their mere presence Paul and Mary can utterly freak out a contestant and cause them to a) forget a vital ingredient and b) doubt everything they have ever known.  Luis gets an aniseed overuse warning, but that's matched by delight that he keeps bees and is using his own honey.  So far so good.

It's a Cardamom, Pistachio and Coffee Swiss Roll from Chetna, about which there is apparently little to say at this point.  Claire, meanwhile, is making a Chocolatey Orangey Swirly Roll.  That's a lot of unnecessarily suffixed '-ey' words for a grown-ey woman-ey.

Paul's worried about the battling flavours in Richard's Pistachio and Strawberry Swiss Roll and is looking a bit constipated about it.  Richard says he's going to "green it up" which sounds ominous - though he doesn't mention food colouring, which suggests it must be natural, so Mary doesn't give him the eye - for now.

We’re then back to Jordan - my feelings towards him aren’t being helped by his by homelife VT, which shows him cycling on a child's chopper through the corridors of his office.  He's making a Japanese-inspired Kawai Fraisier Swiss Roll, which will have strawberry-shapes baked into the sponge – now, that’s quite good, I’ll admit.   However, he's also wearing a jumper made of large geometric shapes in all three primary colours - if he's trying to be this year's Sexy Knitwear, well... I’m afraid he’s no James Shetland.

I had actually pegged Enwezor as the potential Bake Off Hunk, but I think he's a bit too children's presenter for my crush tastes (from the wholesome 1990s, for the avoidance of doubt).  Looks like I'm going to have to fancy Norman, then.  Enwezor is making a Raspberry and Lemon Swiss Roll and I very much want to lick his bowl – DEAR GOD THIS IS ABSOLUTELY NOT A EUPHEMISM.  His cake mixture just looks totally yummy -  AGAIN, THIS IS NOT A ETC ETC. 

Although all the swiss rolls look good, Kate's is the one to get the cravings going: Red Velvet and White Chocolate Swiss Roll.  YUM.  And I don't even like white chocolate that much.  Mind you, Martha's Tiramisu Swiss Roll with Macadamia Nut Brittles is a fair rival.

The bakers demonstrate a range of rolling techniques – with most risking third degree burns by rolling oven-fresh hot sponge.  Controversially, however, Iain is scoring lines in his sponge to ease the rolling.  Mary is in full sceptic mode and orders him to roll his, um, roll in front of her - surprise, surprise, it does not work.   (Mary then has to be physically escorted away by Paul before she repeatedly yells "I TOLD YOU SO, HAAAAA" whilst pointing and laughing in Iain's face.  You know you've messed up when Hollywood's being the nice judge and offering you sympathetic encouragement.)  Poor Beardy Hipster Iain – first there's a rolling disaster and then we learn he's baking an Apricot and Basil Swiss Roll with Mascarpone and White Chocolate Cream.  BASIL?  No no no no.

Norman, clearly a stickler for detail, tells us that he can't technically call his Black Forest Swiss Roll Swiss, because the Black Forest is in Germany. "Deutschland" he then kindly translates for the precisely zero German viewers who won't understand English.  (ICH LIEBE DICH, NORMAN.)  Norman has also made a mini wooden skateboard with Swiss roll wheels to display his offering.  Amazing.  

In fact, Sue is so amazed and delighted that she immediately starts to tease Norman by asking if he had thought about making a segway.  Norman doesn't miss a beat, curtly nodding and deadpanning that, yes he could have - for he has been on a segway.  Sue, undiscouraged, then tries asking if he's thought about wearing lederhosen at judging "for full effect".  "Jawohl!" responds Norman - in a heartbeat and with perfect Deutsch.  There even might be a teeny smile at the very edge of his mouth.   Perkins inwardly giggles with joy whilst planning her next move.  This love match is clearly going to rival her relationship with Brendan. 

Elsewhere, Nancy is entirely unfazed by events; she has five children though, so competitive baking in a tent must feel like a comparative breeze.  Nancy's making a Coffee and Hazelnut Swiss Roll so Mel comes over to chat "dry nuts".  As you would.

Hair style watch: Mel's hair is looking FINE.  Kate has decidedly un-Bake Off pink highlights.  Iain's hair is about six inches high.  That's probably enough hair style watching for now.  More next week, viewers.

Jordan has now removed his horrible jumper to reveal a Maggie Thatcher blouse underneath.  Oh Jordan, you are testing me.

Dramatic montage #1: rolling time - we're treated to shots of stressed bakers rolling whilst exciting orchestral music plays.  It's fairly disastrous, though none more so than Iain's score-lined, folded sponge.  At the back of the tent a cackling Berry is no doubt being restrained by Mel and Sue.  You'll get to be smug at knowing best come judging, Mary.

And on that note...

Good: Martha - "fantastic taste"; Chetna - "just the right amount of cardamom"; Jordan - "moist" (eww); Nancy - "I like that"; Norman - "bold, fat and big"(!); Luis - "it works phenomenally well"; and Richard- "That ...[dramatic pause]... is fantastic".

(Slightly) Bad: Enwezor - "underbaked"; Diana - "not rolled tightly enough"; and Kate - "too dry".

Ugly: Iain - "you know where you went wrong"; and Claire - "non-descript cream". 

Claire tries arguing back, which Paul pretends to respect, before listing exactly why she's wrong and why her cream is totally disgusting rubbish.  Suddenly "non-descript" doesn't seem so bad.  Oh Claire - why why why.  Paul and Mary always know best!  Fact!

Jacket watch: no bombers yet, but a change of outfit mid-way for Mary; from blue home furnishings to white home furnishings in blazer form.  Sue’s got some interesting zip-on-lapel action going on.  Paul is also in a jacket – there must have been a cuff-related disaster on the ironing board.

The Technical Challenge: Mary Berry's Classic Cherry Cake. 

As usual, there are limited instructions, but the major faux-pas seems to be having your cherries sink to the bottom.  Martha and Nancy have fortuitously read up on techniques to deal with optimum cherry distribution - drying them or using flour or something (you know I pay limited attention to practical stuff).  Claire is just merrily chopping her cherries in half, because, apparently, "everyone loves a chunky cherry".

Jordan has forgotten to leave some cherries for decorating purposes and is quietly having a breakdown.  His "it's only a cake" ditty is a distant memory.

Mel comes over to flirt with Norman; Sue's had her turn - it's Giedroyc time.  Mel and Norm chat about stake suppers (I know from cohabitation with a Scot that "suppers" means "with chips" – so that’s never not good).  They then move on to seventies fashion.  Norman tells Mel that he happily wore flares, but just couldn't get to grips with platform boots.  We all wish there was a photo from the one time he did try.

Iain says something, but I didn't catch it, as it's struck me that his styling inspiration is Van Gogh’s self-portraits pre-ear slice.  It may sound niche, but I bet all of Dalston is doing it.

Dramatic montage #2: last minute icing panic.  

Mel then tells the bakers to say "Cherry-io" (yess!) to the challenge and it’s all over.  Luis offers Diana a high-five; it's clear Diana has never seen a high-five in her life, much less taken one on, but she accepts with gusto.  I can visualise her telling her husband about this thing of wonder when she gets home.

Tecchie Rankings: Jordan is last, then Norman, Richard, Enwezor, Claire, Luis, Kate and Diana.  Iain brings us to fourth.  The top three are Chetna (bronze), Martha (silver) and Nancy, who gets gold.

Norman tells us he's going to have one less pint tonight - that's dedication to the baking cause.

The Showstopper: A British Cake - but in miniature and thirty-six of them.  Identical to boot.

Norman has a lucky spoon.  Of course he does.  #TEAMNORMAN.

Chetna is making Four-tiered Victoria Sponges with Lemon Curd and Raspberry Cream.  Paul asks her how they are supposed to eat them and Chetna does a cracking impression of someone stuffing a four-tiered fairy cake into their mouth.  Paul can't argue with that.  Never facetiously ask a mother of young children how you should eat something.  She'll know.  Oh, she'll know.

Kate is also making Mini Tiered Victoria Sponges, but only has two tiers.  She is topping them with fondant butterflies though.

In order for Nancy to make her Jaffa Orange Cakes, Mr Nancy has fashioned her a small wooden cake guillotine – funnily enough it’s not the first time the Bake Off has seen a dedicated husband make a small wooden item for their beloved, and it's not the first time that said item hints at an, erm, interesting homelife. 

Claire is sieving cherries for her Mini Chocolate and Cherry Cakes, which she is going to smother in hundreds and thousands.  Claire.  This isn't a kid's cake challenge.  Hundreds and thousands are essentially unacceptable for the under-fives – in competitive baking contexts, anyway.

Jordan and Luis have opted for a Genoise sponge, which is - and check out my baking knowledge - a different kind of sponge to another kind of sponge.  Jordan's Genoise will become Lemon Drizzle Cakes with Blueberry and Lemon Curd, whilst Luis is going for Raspberry and Lemon Genoise with Lemon Drizzles.  Each one of Luis' cakes is topped by a pipette full of lemon syrup which you self-squeeze on to your own portion.  Mary looks distinctly unimpressed and sneers "do you think this is fun?" with particular emphasis (and, let's be honest, disgust) on the word 'fun'.  Luis is suddenly less sure of his pipette action.  Mary happily trots off.  I'm quite enjoying shit-stirring Mary. Why should Paul have all the (pipette or no pipette) fun?

Richard is using maths to get perfectly even Miniature Coffee and Walnut Cakes, whilst Martha is using an ice cream scoop to measure her Mini Lemon and Thyme Drizzle Cakes.  Iain, however, is going for the slightly less precise measurement of “like three quarters of a tablespoon” for his Lemon Drizzle Cakes with a Mascarpone Filling, Drizzled Icing and Candied Lemon.  Hmmm.

Paul kindly puts the heebie jeebies up Martha by saying her recipe is "quite simple". He then remembers she’s 17 and attempts to backtrack that "the key thing” is that “it’s spot on". Martha suddenly takes on a dead-eyed robotic stare and repeats "Yes. That. Is. The. Key. Thing."  Oh so THAT’S how she's 17 and amazing at cakes. She's not real!  She’s a Baking Terminator.

Enwezor is making Coffee and Walnut Battenberg Squares. Other than that, Enwezor isn't being very interesting at the moment.

Iain complains that the oven hasn't evenly cooked his cakes, as the ones at the back have cooked a bit more than the others.  Now then, as you are aware, I know rather little of baking - beyond the important eating part.  But I have nonetheless been known to cobble together a not-inedible Victoria Sponge.   Whilst essentially tasty, my Victoria Sponges have, on occasion (ahem), been a little wonky.  And why so wonky?  Because the oven heat wasn’t perfectly distributed throughout the oven, in spite of the fan action.  So what do I do now?  A swift 180 degree turn, mid bake, and BOOM – slightly less wonky.   If I can learn that from a yearly birthday cake-bake for my adorable Godson (actually twice-yearly, as I’ve instituted half-birthdays), then you’d hope Iain would have picked that up at some point over the practice process.

Mel and Sue dramz ahoy - Sue has stolen Diana’s chocolate mousse for her thirty-six Chocolate Ganache Suprises and Mel is FURIOUS:  “I can’t believe you took that, that’s MINE, that’s MY MOUSSE!”  This is followed by a Giedroyc-Perkins Benny Hill style chase around the tent as Sue fights to keep ownership of the mousse bowl and Mel attempts to get some mousse in her gob.  “GIVE THAT BACK!  I WANT TO GET MY SPATULA IN THERE!”  There’s a nifty netball move and eventually Mel does get her spatula in.  Calm is restored, other than poor Diana might not have enough mousse left.

Norman is reminiscing about raspberry picking as a child and the joy of spending the spoils on “a really good fishing rod”.  It’s like another time, isn’t it.  A time written by Enid Blyton, only Scottish and hopefully not as sexist.  The raspberries will form a jam which will go into Norman’s Almond and Raspberry Mini Cakes.  He’s also fashioned a device that pops all the cakes out of the mould in one fell swoop – get ye to Dragon’s Den, Norman.

Animal shot: adorable black lamb bleating.  Squeee!

“Oh Claire, look what you’ve done” says Claire, to herself, not endearing herself to those bloggers who can’t stand adults referring to themselves in the third person, whoever they might be.  Sadly, Claire is right to worry, for her bakes look like shit.  As in, they literally look like shit.  (Chocolate is wont to do that though – doesn’t mean it's inedible.)  Claire decides to make a chocolate traybake to sit on top of the chocolate mush she’s created to date.  That’s if she can find any kitchen implements under the utter bombsite that is her station – that is one mucky, chaotic work area.  I'm surprised Mary didn't come over and point - though she does stand at the back of the tent and bitch to Paul about Claire's recipe instead.

Dramatic montage #3: Furious counting to thirty-six, as stirring strings play in the background.  

Diana tells us she is busy “ganache-ing my buns”.   Paul walks past Claire as she tips hundreds and thousands on to her... whatever they are.  He does not look impressed.

To judging!

Chetna’s sponges are too tall, but “the flavour’s ok and the bake’s good”.

Jordan’s offerings “don’t wow” Mary and Paul thinks they’re “a mess”.  Too much lemon and not enough blueberry.

It’s “chocolate mousse, chocolate sponge, chocolate ganache, tick, tick, tick” for Diana – she just needs to think about presentation.

Both Norman and Richard get an “absolutely scrumptious”.

Neither Mary or Paul have seen individual Battenburgs, which they find “cute”, but Enwezor’s flavours aren’t distinct enough.

Kate’s cakes are “bland” in appearance, but “beautifully baked”; they needed more flavour though.

Sue orders Mary to “drizzle Mezza”, as Luis arrives with his pipettes.  Paul likes the “novel idea” (Mary remains silent on the issue).  Luis has “just got away with it”.

Iain’s cakes are too big and he hasn’t achieved an even bake.  Paul’s “struggling to get some flavours”.  Uh-oh.

“Beautifully soft, not overbaked” says Mary for Martha.  Paul also lavishes praise.

Paul’s words to Claire are, relatively, kind: “it looks a bit clumsy”.  His expression says otherwise.  Both the first chocolate cake attempt and the emergency cover traybake cake are deemed “dry”.  Ouch.

It doesn't help that Nancy’s cakes look AMAZING.  “What perfection.  A sheer joy to look at” says Mary – wowsers.  “Very, very good” says Paul. 

And that’s that – the judges retire to Berrywood’s backstage lounge tent for cigars and blackballing.  First week out is always harsh, but someone has to go.  First though, the best baker of the week...

Ma Baker: Nancy-Marie-Antoinette gets Star Baker – she let them eat perfectly symmetrical cake, thanks to mini-blade success.

Mel and Sue sandwich: It’s Cherry-io to Claire, of course.  It had to be - though Iain was lucky, if you ask me.  “And you’ll still keep baking?” Mary asks Claire.  “Yeah” says Claire after a short pause - by which she means “probably never again”.

Next time: Biscuit week brings the return of tea break time Foodhistory and Sue/Norm  try flirting through the medium of semaphore.