2015 GBBO mini blog. Quarter final

Pâtisserie week.

Bye bye: Paul the Baker, undone by both real and synthetic bananas, and being ever so slightly boring on the telly. 

Lucky escape: Good TV provider Flora - controversially, I thought...  No no, of course I'm not just saying that because I had Paul in the sweepstake.

Ma Baker: Nadiya, in spite of daring to use that most non-middle class of flavours, bubblegum. That Mary could overlook such a blatantly artificial ingredient shows how awesome Nadiya is.

Timely references: Flora was minus six when Madonna wore her cone bra, so clearly didn't have a clue what Mel was on about when it came to shaping pastry horns. But she was oh so polite about it.

Smut-watch: Dudes, it's Cream Horn week and we got a shot of a grown man trying to pipe a thick banana yellow substance into some pastry whilst groaning really really loudly and muttering, "It's thick, all right". It does not get any smuttier than that. Indeed I refer you to... 

Nadiya's face-watch:

Bezza v baking powder: Mary continued her crusade against raising agents by only allowing them to use egg. Someone at Borwick's must have really slagged one of her bombers.

Next time: Semi-final - chocolate and centrepieces. 

2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 7

Victorian week.

Bye bye: Lovely Fireman Mat. Nooooo! Not before we get to hear more about Dangerous Dave's mum Sheila and how she obtained her Victorian pie tin!

Lucky escape: Paul - in spite of seemingly over or underbaking all of his wares, as well as filling his charlotte with fake blood rather than jelly. 

Ma Baker: Dr Tamal, who was especially adorable when he immediately called his mum to announce his prize. You see, it's totally justifiable to let my three month year old watch Bake Off when there are such lessons of mum/son morality to be learnt. 

Flora the Superhero: Never fear, here comes... Bird Girl! 

Special powers: winning a pheasant baking contest at school. (My God, that tells you A LOT about Flora's school.)

Who are all the pies? I WILL! I WILL EAT ALL THE PIES. Nothing makes me cravy like pie week.

Ian's "passion": Road kill. 

Tennis cake puns: Marion Tartoli was my best effort. Twitter came up with Martina Navratipalova and Roger Fadeira. Any more for any more?

Next time: Fiddly fussy pastry week - patisserie time. 

2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 6

Pastry week.

Bye bye: Sweet sweet Alvin, who needed perfect vol-au-vents to survive, but didn't quite hit the mark. Somewhat unexpectedly, Alvin's father is a retired Filipino army general. 

Lucky escape: Nadiya, who had to offer up unfilled volz, as Mel would no doubt abbreviate them. Though I think there's something to be said for self-scooping delicious filling into your own pastry cases. Paul certainly loaded his up. 

Ma Baker: Mat, whom Mary Berry clearly fancies; she double-punched him in the stomach as congratulations - a classic move from the Primary School Book of Flirtation. Her seduction chat might need work though - not sure mentioning that his perfect egg yolk was so good "it dripped down my hand" was quite the right angle.

Smutwatch: Alvin arranged his plums nicely but they were sadly undercooked.

And the first soggy bottom goes to...: Nadiya! Cross it off your bingo sheets everyone. 

Top Two Sandwiches: Like all good hipsters, Tamal loves pulled pork, but what was his other bestest sarnie?!? (For the record, mine are the 800 calorie ham and brie baguette from EAT and the 'Rubenesque', a sourdough, pastrami and cheese triumph from my local caff, the Archie Parker - which is excitingly run by Mrs Simon from Trev and Simon.)

Flaouna: a) a celebrity baby name, b) this summer's hottest dance craze or c) a Cypriot pasty. 

Next time: Bakes of the past. Cue many a joke about Mary's age.

2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 5

Alternative ingredients week.

AKA: 'Free from' week - and atypically free from much tent smut, until Mel got to inspect Ian's hanging nuts and Paul's marzipan bikini gusset.  Until then the only 'high point' had been Flora discussing her buche.

Bye bye: Ugne and her perfect haircut.  She tied her hair back for the Showstopper and I knew the game was up - thwarted like a Bake Off Samson to Berrywood’s Delilah.  Or perhaps it was because her peanut butter ice cream and grape jelly roll looked, shall we say, a bit mushy. 

Lucky escape: Wunderkind Flora, who failed to use enough sponge for Bezza's liking. Mary didn’t rate Flora's narrow sponge landing strip at all - she was clearly hoping for a fuller, seventies buche.

Ma Baker: After several weeks of producing great own-bakes, but always coming bottom in the technical challenge, Nadiya was top of the technical class, making gluten-free pitta breads that presumably tasted marginally less disgusting than anyone else’s.

Agave nectar: nope, me either...  What's the point of a sugar-free cake if you are forced to add other incredibly sweet ingredients which can't be any better for you.  It’s a cake!  No amount of probiotic/microbiotic/madeupbiotic alternatives are going to make it healthy, whatever the Goop newsletter might promise.

Next time: Pastry time.  IT'S SOGGY BOTTOM WEEK, PEOPLE!

2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 4

Desserts week.

Bye bye: Oh Saaaaandy (to misquote Manilow/Westlife) you came and you... etc etc. At least we'll always have that David Attenborough impression and a not-at-all-veiled chat about wobbly bums with Sue.  She was also one of a rare breed to work a mullet. 

Ma Baker: An Ian hat trick. Will he sustain it? I hope so, as I love his rather camp and genuinely delighted victory speeches. "I want to do a dance on the train and go yesss, meeee! Humble meeeee!"

Smutwatch: Alvin's edible pansies. 

EDIBLE PANSIES.

!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

A level of potential filth so high that Sue clearly had to be forcibly removed from the tent whilst Mel dug deep to interview AlvinSimonTheodore with the straightest of faces.

#GBBOfav: AlvinSimonTheodore is totes my favourite by the way. He's completely adorable. Though I love Nadiya too. And Ugne. And, oh all of them.

Mel'n'Sue sabotage of the week: Mel decided to wear Flora's food as bracelets.

Foreign fun: the Swiss and French meringue-based 'Spanish Windtorte' (which is actually Austrian). Mel's eyes must have popped out at the accent bonanza prospect. Bonus points for enabling fart jokes. 

Next time: 'Free from' week - including sugarless cake. Durrrr, what is the point?!

2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 3

Bread week.

Bye bye: Dorret - to no-one's surprise, really. There's experimental and then there's baking Tracey Emin's bed in bread, which is officially the worst idea ever. Nothing says 'unappetising' like an unmade bed covered in fag butts and indeterminate sex stains. Not even fresh bread can save that hot mess of a concept. 

Lucky escape: Fireman Mat, who was surely, and quite rightly, saved by his "dough-verload" pun. *applause* 

Ma Baker: Ian again, for a bready pot plant, no less. But it was silver haired Simon-Pegg-alike Paul who got the first Hollywood handshake. And that was before we'd seen his phenomenal lion bread, for which he got a "special commendation", a thing the producers clearly made up to please Paul Hollywood, uncharacteristically über-impressed by the doughy Cecil (RIP).

Tent gone mad: Baking powder deemed acceptable!!!?!?!! Despite sniffing out the raising agent, Mary rated Ugne's soda bread. (She must have been drunk - the only possible explanation. Then again, isn't Bezza always drunk?)

Nadiya Face Watch: 

 Amazing work. 

Next week: Desserts. Brûlée olé olé.

2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 2

Biscuit week.

Bye bye: Noooooo! I thought the older hilarious Scot (AKA She-Norman) would make it all the way after last week's triumph!  Fare ye well Marie. The tactic of "if I'm missing a biscuit, I'll just have to say I ate it" was probably never going to please Paul 'the male judge' Hollywood though. 

Lucky escape: Dorret - again. Coming unexpectedly first in the Technical saved her from Mary's crazed wrath after she dared use pre-cut frog moulds. Using pre-cut moulds is clearly the new using shop-bought fondant. A serious tent no no.

How did 19 year old Flora overachieve this week: Both knowing about and achieving lamination (and not the satisfying plasticising kind). Perhaps she learned from one of her "hundreds of French cookbooks" or one of her many jaunts through Italy, as so many other 19 year olds will have too.

Berry fashionable: The bomber was back, with a kimono-style print and fancy patchwork quilt style stitching. Never change Bezza. Never change. Well, until your jacket needs a dry clean, obvz. 

Best use of biscuit: FIRE ENGINE BICCIE BOX! Neee nawww neeee nawwww. It nearly broke my heart when Paul snapped into the ladder. 

Most preposterously unusual ingredient of the week: The physalis berry. At least hot Dr Tamal had the awareness to admit and mock it. Though by the way, the pretentiousness of using the berry has nothing on the pretentiousness of its Wikipedia page...

How many weeks did it take for Sue to sabotage a contestant's entry this year? Two weeks.

Next week: Paul gets to be furious about under and overproved bread.