2016 GBBO Mini blog. Semi-final

Patisserie Week

Mel & Sue Sandwich:  Tent favourite Selasi!  (And there was a veritable fight over who got prime sandwich position too.)  With the semi-final pressure upon them, Selasi finally got the fear – instead of winging it with some alternative theory about the benefits of un-sieved flour, he lost valuable time starting from scratch.  No!!!!  That’s not the Selasi way!  Then we got frowns, pacing, self-flagellation with a spatula, and finally – the sweats.  At least Perks was on hand to towel him down with a piece of torn-off kitchen roll. 

Lucky escape #1: The other three were shoo-ins, really.  At one point, Jane nearly dropped her palmiers, but Andrew invoked the “five second rule”.  (I thought it was three, but whatever…). 

Ma Baker: Andrew triumphed – to his absolute mystification.  Maybe it was his Toryminister power-squatting stance.

Lippy-watch:  The semi-final vibe was so serious Candice didn’t even take the time to reapply!  Mel expressed concerns before wielding the mulberry.

Smut-watch:  "My fondant is just oozing" worried Andrew.  "I'm just rolling in my nuts" proclaimed Candice.

Fondant-watch: How does Mr Kipling do it?  See Mary – *this* is why they go for shop-bought fondant.

Next time: The final.  Karen Harms (Andrew) versus Katie Mason (Jane) versus Sally Ramsden (Candice).  Candice’s pout FTW! 

2016 GBBO Mini blog. Week 8

Tudor Week

"Tudor Week": Hashtag lllllllllolz.  Looking forward to the Hilary Mantel spin-off.

Mel & Sue Sandwich: INEXPLICABLY, it was Benjamina who left us.  Errrr…. Seriously guys, how did that happen...? 

Or, to put it another way... 

What did Selasi wing this week?:  TOTAL SURVIVAL!  Also: “Just gonna bosh some steam holes in my pies with this bic”.

Ma Baker: When she’s in the running Candice’s face has this amazing tension between gritty-determination and brink-of-tears-about-to-full-on-snot-sob. I love her. And her peacock was pretty amazing (not a #smutwatch reference).

Smut-watch: What a week!  Just when I thought the winner would be Selasi grimacing as he ‘pestled his mortar’ just out of shot, along came Andrew's knights and their giant caramel balls.

Blazer-watch: Mary’s party blazers are out, Sue’s Sound of Music Nazi blazers are in.

Judge-watch: Paul continued to endear himself to precisely no-one as he squeezed Jane’s bakes with seconds to spare and walked away with an unreadable expression on his face.  Enjoy your dictatorship of terror at Channel 4, Paul.  BUH-BYE.

Next time: The semi-final.

2016 GBBO Mini blog. Week 7

Bye bye: You could never quite call it with Tom - some weeks Berrywood LOVED him.  But this week he didn't scrub up - serving, for example, a chocolate-covered slab as a fancy roulade (then claiming he *wanted* it to look a bit crappy).  It might have helped if he'd gone for a better piece of kit than a teeny hot pink handheld fan to cool his wares - even a 99p shop would think twice about stocking that piece of tat.  He'd have frankly been better off breathing on it.

Ma Baker: Andrew.  True to her word, Mel kept his meringue botch job a secret - and he only went and won the Technical.  In your FACE, Paul.

Smut-watch: "My nuts are golden brown" quoth Tom.

What did Selasi try wing this week: How I lolz-ed when he attempted to salvage his slimy bogie green mousse by cutting the wobbly sides with a square mould.

Every single week: the closing Technical montage makes it look like they've entirely messed up whatever fiendish pud Mary and Paul have insisted on, and then they lay them on the Gingham Altar and - boom - a set of incredible-looking marjolaines.

Lippy-watch: A friend texted in fury that the internet had been unable to explain to her what colour Candice was sporting. "What is the point of Twitter if it does not have this info? Sad face emoji".  #truedat.

Next week: Tudor Week.  TUDOR WEEK!!!!!!!!!  In which someone seemingly makes a knight out of poo.

2016 GBBO Mini blog. Week 6

Erm, what is ‘Botanicals Week’?: "Anything that grows goes" we’re told.  Cue a disappointing lack of special herbal cookies with a nice relaxing effect, the likes of which might cause Angelina Jolie to divorce you.

Bye bye: Rav – he did well to sneak this far, after throwing up more than one hot mess in the last few weeks. I still think of him waving that solitary piece of batter/dough/whatever at the camera that he forgot to add to his dozen whatever it was they were making (yup, my quality blogging continues...).

Lucky escape: Andrew made dry cake and Jane smeared toddler-style finger painting on the sides of hers.  Bit embarrassing for a gardener to mess up botanicals week, isn’t it?

Ma Baker: Somehow Tom swanned in last minute, because he enjoys bringing home-made posh herby bread to the pictures as a cinema snack.  Come on dude, what's wrong with overpriced stale popcorn?

Smut-watch: Everyone was having a mare with the stiffness of their meringue, though Selasi was this week's King of Smut.  Not only did he outright fail to pronounce "physalis" as anything other than "syphilis", but Freud would plenty to say about his sketches of an oval bread with vertical lines done the middle.

Fashion-watch: Selasi was highly unimpressed at Hollywood's lack of floral. Quite right too - if you're known for shiny shirts, the least you can do is pick a garish number for botanicals week.  Booooo Paul.

The new shop bought fondant: Mary had a right sulk about the meringue blowtorching, didn't she? She couldn't stop going on about how she wanted them done in the oven. Didn't stop her tucking in. 

Lippy-watch: Candice sports a nude lip!  It's getting serious.

Next week: Dessert