2016 GBBO Mini blog. Week 5

Pastry week

Channel 4-gate: No Mel, no Sue, and now, NO MARY!  Brexit might have divided Britain but on this it is united - Paul is a greedy traitor and it just won't be Bake Off anymore. (It's like when Keisha left the Sugababes...)  I wonder if that £25 million seems such a bargain now?  What a pavlova-ver. I imagine C4 must be in a bit of a frangipanic etc etc.

Bye bye: Val. Apparently dental floss and broom handles don't cut Mary's mustard as baking accessories.  Nor does entirely ignoring a Berry recipe in favour of making your own soggy-bottomed Bakewell tart. 

Lucky escape: Tom, for thinking dregs of Weetabix pastries (sorry "wheat biscuit") and chocolate powdered-meat would be enjoyable flavour combinations. 

Ma Baker: Glorious Candice - invoking the slightly X-Factor spirit of deceased grandmother to mask how she almost set fire to the tent. 

What did Selasi entirely wing this week: "Yeah yeah, I ate many mangos growing up in Ghana..." *inspiration suddenly dawns* "…and that's why I'm calling this my ‘Totally Didn't Just Make Up A Name On The Spot Oh No Ghanian Swirly Danish Thing’".

Generation wars: Benjamina and Selasi were not happy about the ‘Bakewell Generation’ and their perceived advantage in the Technical.  They didn't hold back from throwing shade at the "olds", did they?

Smut-watch: "It's better to be wetter" - no not Candice, but Val providing a last hurrah.  Don't worry though, Candice still makes Smut-watch; she managed references to "bashing it out" and "giving your sausages a good squeeze", as well as getting Mary to handle a truly giant black pudding. 

Baking terms-watch: Seven series later, I realise that lamination is FOLDING.  It's just folding!  Man..!

Next week: Botanical Week?!?!?!!!! HAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Amazing.

2016 GBBO Mini blog. Week 4

First things first...

RIP GBBO?!?: Well, pass me the Zivania-infused Cypriot bread and get me a ruddy grip!  I think we all need the Mel and Sue sandwich this week...  Basically, Mary, Paul, Mel and Sue are the GBBO Beatles – and who wants to see the Wings of televised baking? (Or, even worse, the Paul McCartney - Hollywood'll hold on til Challenge TV are making it, won't he?)

But anyway, let's not dwell - we still have several weeks of good baking cheer left.  And we mustn't ignore the WONDER that was...

Batter Week

Mel & Sue Sandwich: Cheerio Kate - back to the farm.  She must’ve wished she'd had a BATTER week, EH?  (Mwahaha, all the chortles.)  But her Christmas Yorkshires were too small and her rabbit churros were too demonic.

Lucky escape: (Val’s going to win this thing, isn’t she?)  Tom came closest to going - though he was frankly lucky he wasn’t ejected from the tent for putting fennel in his churros - yuck.  His Sig Bake didn't go well either, but I’d OBVIOUSLY still have eaten his excessively flat Yorkshire Puddings – sure, it’s better if they rise, but a Yorkie’s a Yorkie.  You eat it regardless.

Ma Baker: Benjamina – though I can’t really remember what she did this week.  I think she made churros that looked like churros.

Smut-watch: Selasi’s lace pankies looked like bums, whilst Candice confirmed she’s a “tosser all the way”.  Candice always makes smut-watch, doesn't she?  What a gal.

What has Selasi tried to wing this week?:  Paul looks at Selasi’s churros. “They’re burnt, Selasi.” Selasi does innocent face. “Are they?”

Baking doesn’t get any BATTER than this: 

A sample of texts received from my sister during the show:

“Yorkshire puddings. The pinnacle of food.”

“Oh lord.  Wellington.  Yes.”

“I’d just have a Yorkshire pudding filled with more Yorkshire pudding and covered in a Yorkshire pudding.”

“At uni, I once bought a whole pack of aunt Bessie’s Yorkshire puddings, cooked them all and ate them in one sitting. Like pop corn.”

“100% real.”

“Batter week is the BOMB.”

“It is the opposite of crepe.”

“I only speak the truth.”

She DOES only speak the truth.  Batter Week – you’ll remain in our hearts as a one-off thing of fried, delicious beauty.  It was a wondrous time, even though the only way to improve a Yorkshire Pudding is to double your quantities of Yorkshire Pudding.

Next time: Pastry.  Don't even THINK about going shop-bought.

2016 GBBO Mini blog. Week 3

Bread Week

Mel & Sue Sandwich: Poor baby-young Michael - clearly so gutted, he got everyone’s mum hormones going by looking oh so puppy dog sad.  His Cypriot bread was a bit of a sight though – not even getting Paul tipsy helped. I say tipsy – that shot looked like even Keith Richard would struggle.

Lucky escape:  Teflon Val, though I’m not sure how (unless being least worst of the worst in the technical actually counts for something).  Paul was openly mocking her ark bread animals, which did look dubious to me, I must admit.  But maybe there *were* two Stay Puft Marshmellow Men on board with Noah.

Ma Baker: Tom, for making Thor’s hammer out of bread and refusing to admit there were any phallic implications.

Smut-watch: Whilst we’re on that theme... It was Ball Chat mainly, thanks to that steamy technical.  We learned from Candice that no-one likes an under-filled ball, whilst poor Rav’s were deemed damp and lumpy.  Meanwhile, Benjamina discussed softening plums.

Made-up stories: I particularly enjoyed Mary laughing at Selasi and calling total bullsh*t on his Bedouin bread-sharing tale.  I’d also like to hear more about Kate’s conveniently named “Nanny Cobbled”.  Can anyone really be as jolly innocent as Kate?  I predict she’ll properly explode in the tent eventually - an all-encompassing diva strop that will blow Bingate out of the water.

Montage-watch: the facial expressions as they read their Dampfnoodle recipes. My sides!  Amazing.  Better than Gingerbuilding Collapse.

Food History: Thank GOODNESS Mr Cad made me watch Mel’s trip to Freckenfeld.  Her groovy moves to ze German Barbershop Quartet was an episode highlight.

Next time: Brand new concept Batter Week, which looks fantastic – ripe for baking disasters we’ve never seen before and a whole new universe of puns.  Hope they ‘whisk’ some good ones. Am sure they’ll be ‘batter’ than ever.  Roflolz etc.

2016 GBBO Mini blog. Week 2

Biscuit Week

Mel Sandwich: Without Sue, it’s more of a tartine, I guess...  Anyway, it was Welsh Louise who was woman-handled in the name of sympathy – after her dream wedding venue/gingerbread church caved in entirely, mere seconds before judging. (Oh how I enjoyed the disaster montage!) Berrywood were so appalled they saw no reason not to exchange an openly bitchy look as poor Louise trekked up with her crumpled offering.

Lucky escape:  Val clings on for one more week.  The writing has to be on the wall next week– unless she’s a secret master-baker.

Ma Baker: Candice, with a FLIPPIN’ AMAZIN’ gingerbread pub, complete with jelly pool table and gingercake carpet.  And we get to see another lippy shade to boot.

Gingerbread ‘story’: (Story?!  What is this airy pretentiousness?!)  Good old Michael - oh to be 19 and choose ‘meeting Santa’ as your life’s highlight.  What would you pick? Obviously I would choose attending the Eurovision Song Contest giving birth to my beautiful son Max, though I’m not entirely sure how that would translate to biscuit form.

Smut-watch: Where to begin!?!  Who’d have thought the innuendo action would increase WITHOUT Perkins?  It was a total filth-fest, from Tom stuffing fistfuls of sausage, via Mel’s warm hands on Rav’s bag (and Candice’s jugs), to Mary and Paul professing a keenness to taste carpet and Val’s sister respectively.  I need a lie-down and some smelling salts.

Berryspeak: “informal” and “clumsy” – Mary’s euphemisms for “total shit”.

Clock-watch: Engineer Andrew had four clocks.  FOUR CLOCKS.  How many ovens was he even using?  #stillmyfav #candiceaclosesecond

Next time: Paul’s patronizing smugness hits its peak – it’s bread week.