2015 GBBO mini blog. Quarter final

Pâtisserie week.

Bye bye: Paul the Baker, undone by both real and synthetic bananas, and being ever so slightly boring on the telly. 

Lucky escape: Good TV provider Flora - controversially, I thought...  No no, of course I'm not just saying that because I had Paul in the sweepstake.

Ma Baker: Nadiya, in spite of daring to use that most non-middle class of flavours, bubblegum. That Mary could overlook such a blatantly artificial ingredient shows how awesome Nadiya is.

Timely references: Flora was minus six when Madonna wore her cone bra, so clearly didn't have a clue what Mel was on about when it came to shaping pastry horns. But she was oh so polite about it.

Smut-watch: Dudes, it's Cream Horn week and we got a shot of a grown man trying to pipe a thick banana yellow substance into some pastry whilst groaning really really loudly and muttering, "It's thick, all right". It does not get any smuttier than that. Indeed I refer you to... 

Nadiya's face-watch:

Bezza v baking powder: Mary continued her crusade against raising agents by only allowing them to use egg. Someone at Borwick's must have really slagged one of her bombers.

Next time: Semi-final - chocolate and centrepieces. 

2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 7

Victorian week.

Bye bye: Lovely Fireman Mat. Nooooo! Not before we get to hear more about Dangerous Dave's mum Sheila and how she obtained her Victorian pie tin!

Lucky escape: Paul - in spite of seemingly over or underbaking all of his wares, as well as filling his charlotte with fake blood rather than jelly. 

Ma Baker: Dr Tamal, who was especially adorable when he immediately called his mum to announce his prize. You see, it's totally justifiable to let my three month year old watch Bake Off when there are such lessons of mum/son morality to be learnt. 

Flora the Superhero: Never fear, here comes... Bird Girl! 

Special powers: winning a pheasant baking contest at school. (My God, that tells you A LOT about Flora's school.)

Who are all the pies? I WILL! I WILL EAT ALL THE PIES. Nothing makes me cravy like pie week.

Ian's "passion": Road kill. 

Tennis cake puns: Marion Tartoli was my best effort. Twitter came up with Martina Navratipalova and Roger Fadeira. Any more for any more?

Next time: Fiddly fussy pastry week - patisserie time. 

2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 6

Pastry week.

Bye bye: Sweet sweet Alvin, who needed perfect vol-au-vents to survive, but didn't quite hit the mark. Somewhat unexpectedly, Alvin's father is a retired Filipino army general. 

Lucky escape: Nadiya, who had to offer up unfilled volz, as Mel would no doubt abbreviate them. Though I think there's something to be said for self-scooping delicious filling into your own pastry cases. Paul certainly loaded his up. 

Ma Baker: Mat, whom Mary Berry clearly fancies; she double-punched him in the stomach as congratulations - a classic move from the Primary School Book of Flirtation. Her seduction chat might need work though - not sure mentioning that his perfect egg yolk was so good "it dripped down my hand" was quite the right angle.

Smutwatch: Alvin arranged his plums nicely but they were sadly undercooked.

And the first soggy bottom goes to...: Nadiya! Cross it off your bingo sheets everyone. 

Top Two Sandwiches: Like all good hipsters, Tamal loves pulled pork, but what was his other bestest sarnie?!? (For the record, mine are the 800 calorie ham and brie baguette from EAT and the 'Rubenesque', a sourdough, pastrami and cheese triumph from my local caff, the Archie Parker - which is excitingly run by Mrs Simon from Trev and Simon.)

Flaouna: a) a celebrity baby name, b) this summer's hottest dance craze or c) a Cypriot pasty. 

Next time: Bakes of the past. Cue many a joke about Mary's age.

2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 5

Alternative ingredients week.

AKA: 'Free from' week - and atypically free from much tent smut, until Mel got to inspect Ian's hanging nuts and Paul's marzipan bikini gusset.  Until then the only 'high point' had been Flora discussing her buche.

Bye bye: Ugne and her perfect haircut.  She tied her hair back for the Showstopper and I knew the game was up - thwarted like a Bake Off Samson to Berrywood’s Delilah.  Or perhaps it was because her peanut butter ice cream and grape jelly roll looked, shall we say, a bit mushy. 

Lucky escape: Wunderkind Flora, who failed to use enough sponge for Bezza's liking. Mary didn’t rate Flora's narrow sponge landing strip at all - she was clearly hoping for a fuller, seventies buche.

Ma Baker: After several weeks of producing great own-bakes, but always coming bottom in the technical challenge, Nadiya was top of the technical class, making gluten-free pitta breads that presumably tasted marginally less disgusting than anyone else’s.

Agave nectar: nope, me either...  What's the point of a sugar-free cake if you are forced to add other incredibly sweet ingredients which can't be any better for you.  It’s a cake!  No amount of probiotic/microbiotic/madeupbiotic alternatives are going to make it healthy, whatever the Goop newsletter might promise.

Next time: Pastry time.  IT'S SOGGY BOTTOM WEEK, PEOPLE!