Great British Bake Off - Class of 2014

Name: Martha  Twitter: @marthacollison

Distinguishing feature solely and judgementally based on the photo: Youth. She is 17. SHE IS 17.  (Seriously, how is she going to bond with Mary without legal booze rights?!)

Grossly stereotyped middle-class credential: Martha was the Rotary Club’s East Berkshire’s Young Chef of the Year. She is fascinated by the science of baking, such as why choux pastry puffs up and what goes on inside bread to zzzzzzzzzzzzzzetc.

Curveball: Working on the cheese counter at a supermarket and studying the non-traditional subject of Food Technology.

Name: Diana 

Distinguishing feature solely and judgementally based on the photo: Either adorable nan or indomitable battle-axe prepared to use a spoon as a weapon.

Grossly stereotyped middle-class credential: She joined the W.I. at 12, met husband, Malcolm, at a Young Farmers social event at 16 and became a W.I. judge at 20. Her main hobby is her garden.

Curveball: oh come on! As if.

Name: Enwezor  Twitter: @EnwezorN

Distinguishing feature solely and judgementally based on the photo: Hot. And taut. Hot and taut.

Grossly stereotyped middle-class credential: He keeps eight packs of butter in his fridge at any one time, no doubt for baking emergencies. He did the Great South Run barefoot.  That's without shoes, people! Without shoes!

Curveball: Doing a night shift with a professional baker making over 900 loaves of bread. Mass baking, tut tut tut.

Name: Luis  Twitter: @luistroyano

Distinguishing feature solely and judgementally based on the photo: Cheeky football bruiser.

Grossly stereotyped middle-class credential: Luis plays the ukulele, makes model aeroplanes and keeps bees.

Curveball: His bee-keeping gear is Man City branded. (Then again, who doesn't fanboy up their bee-keeping gear?)

Name: Jordan  Twitter: @LaPetitLion

Distinguishing feature solely and judgementally based on the photo: Girly Ed Byrne in an eighties blouse-shirt. Prime candidate for Only Connect.

Grossly stereotyped middle-class credential: Spins his own wool and likes to perfect his embroidery (probably not a euphemism). He has his own sourdough starter...

Curveball: ...which he calls ‘Yorick the Yeast'.

Name: Iain  Twitter: @iain_watters

Distinguishing feature solely and judgementally based on the photo: Peak beard.

Grossly stereotyped middle-class credential: Iain is passionate about organic and vegetarian principals and lived with his twin in a caravan in the Australian outback where they baked together and argued daily about who was the better baker.  (*And breathe*)

Curveball: Don't make me PMSL.

Name: Claire  Twitter: @bake_therapist

Distinguishing feature solely and judgementally based on the photo: Mucky apron of which Mary won't approve. Compensated by excellent spec choice.

Grossly stereotyped middle-class credential: Forged her signature bake as a child. Third generation family baker.

Curveball: Takes cakes to the local slimming club. NICE.

Name: Richard  Twitter: @RichardPBurr

Distinguishing feature solely and judgementally based on the photo: Nondescript vaguely baldy man.

Grossly stereotyped middle-class credential: A keen fisher, diver and cyclist, he has his own allotment in his back garden and volunteers for the National Wildlife Trust. He is teaching his daughters about eco-friendly ways to help nature by building homes for hedgehogs to hibernate in.

Curveball: Made a Star Wars’ Millennium Falcon cake for his own wedding day. 

Name: Norman  Twitter: @normcalder

Distinguishing feature solely and judgementally based on the photo: Older nondescript not-so-vaguely baldy man.

Grossly stereotyped middle-class credential: Norman plays the clarinet and makes clocks and pottery in his own kiln which he’s installed in a studio at home. He works in slab pottery, whatever that is.

Curveball: Claims to love his caravan and schauzer as much as his wife and children. (Subtext: more.)

Name: Nancy  Twitter: @nancybbakes

Distinguishing feature solely and judgementally based on the photo: Something of the Penelope Wilton. Good fringe work.

Grossly stereotyped middle-class credential: Rears guinea fowl and trains show dogs for Crufts.

Curveball: Taught her hairdresser how to bake (explains the excellent fringe).

Name: Kate 

Distinguishing feature solely and judgementally based on the photo: Bake Off glamour MILF. There's no way she's not into yoga.

Grossly stereotyped middle-class credential: Runs her own upholstery company, which “breathes new life into furniture with various textures and colours”. Of course.

Curveball: She once baked a full sized 3D sculpture of her friend’s head from cake – bet her mate was delighted when they sliced into that one with gusto.

Name: Chetna  Twitter: @chetnamakan

Distinguishing feature solely and judgementally based on the photo: Nervy smile. Core of steel.

Grossly stereotyped middle-class credential: Fashion designer who paints “beautiful” murals on her children's walls. Eschews hair dye.

Curveball: none apparent.