Great British Sewing Bee. Series 2. The Final

Last few weeks: Actual tears (for me) as we said goodbye to lovely lovely Lynda – that was an emotional ride, especially when she was talking about her mum's coat.  Lynda was just wonderful, wasn't she?  David, who left the week before, was rather adorable too – I'm sure Siralun would have fired the pair of them “with regret”.  I've no blog breakdown to offer, as I've had a bit too much life admin on to manage spouting nonsense about competitive sewing, but here's one last push for the final, eh? 

Team Chinelo in my head – for she has made the most gorgeously wearable items - but Team Heather in my heart - ginandjillycoopertastic.  (Sorry Tamara – though well done for that yoga top last week.  I didn't think a yoga vest would be something that would impress my boots, but it did.)

This week: couture, darling.

1. The Pattern Challenge: a hand sewn, silk tie.

Heather is dressed in a low cut, slightly frilly, black chiffon blouse, which may seem a tad dressed up for the haberdashery, but clearly she is just making an effort for the final – and if anyone's going to know the proper etiquette for such an event, it's Posh Heather.  The alternative is that she's going to add stilettos, some gold necklace action and stick-on red talons, and head off to tend bar in an East End pub, but that seems fairly unlikely, given the persona she's presented to date.  Also, her manicure is still beyond perfect - ain't no way she's sticking acrylic on those fingers.

Chinelo earring watch: big circular wooden carvings.

We also learn that Chinelo used to have long hair, which was unexpected.  She looks even better with her very short do, which just goes to show what an incredible face she has.  She's also having a bit of a nervous time of it today, as it turns out that making a tie is extremely complex – this is perplexing to me - I mean, beyond conventional smartness, a tie has no discernible use.  So if they're that hard to make, how is that ties ever came into being, yet hovercraft skateboards are still not available in our supermarkets?

Apparently Heather isn't quite herself either – she's requesting tea over booze. (?!?!?!?!)  We get another snoop around Casa Heather and it's everything you ever dreamed – open fire, giant dining table, hunky husband, I swear there was even a stag's head over the door.  She's also got a real sausage dog, to match the pin cushion doggy.  She demonstrates how she can even sew as the dog licks her face.  I hope the dog is also called *adopts husky voice* Horatio.

Tamara's mum looks exactly like Tamara.  Why this surprises me, I don't know, given the shared genes thing.  Tamara is, fittingly, wearing a tie – but around her waist.  She admits that she buys them ready-made, which I imagine she's a bit annoyed about right now.

The pressure is getting to Chinelo, as the pattern is complex and she's not used to working that way.  She tries not to have a teary breakdown.  May's getting worried and Patrick points out that Chinelo struggles when she's doing something she's not done very much of before.  He then kindly goes over and gives her a tip about what to do next.  Frankly.... SWOON.

Claudia has worked out the halfway point in timings.  It involves decimals.  She declares herself a “maths genius”.  Frankly.... SWOON.

Claudia blows the metaphorical whistle to signal time and Heather appears to be high on tie-completion (maybe there was gin in her tea - she's certainly the kind of woman who owns a designer hip flask).  The end of the task unexpectedly brings out her randy side (though, what doesn't?) and she pelvic thrusts with glee at the task being over.  Despite Patrick's help, Chinelo has pretty much given up and essentially declares war on all ties.  Her tie remains unfinished. 

So that's two and a half ties for Maytrick to judge.

Tamara's tie is a bit banker meets school boy - white and blue stripes.  The judges are impressed though.

Heather went for red and orange geometric silk.  The judges like hers too, though her hand stitching is deemed untidy.

Poor Chinelo – it would have been a nice grey paisley-esque affair, but it's just not pret a porter.

It's a marginal decision for the win, but it's Tamara who wins over Heather.  I don't think I need to tell you that Chinelo comes in third.  (But I did anyway.)

2. The Alternation Challenge: (i.e., not the Customising Challenge, as I've been calling it.  Bah.)  Turn a proper white wedding dress into child's party dress.  

The biggest part of this challenge is feeling brave enough to take scissors to a wedding gown, I think.  There are some rather lovely bridal specimens in there, but there's also a meringue-y medieval-esque affair that I'd happily rip up.  Chinelo and Heather feel quite bad about cutting the dresses up – Tamara has no such qualms: “this is cathartic”.

Claudia speaks for us all when she describes a wedding skirt as a “POOUFFFF”.

Animal shot:  None.  No more urban animals - the tube mouse will have to wait for next year to hit the big time.  But we do get a Thames Clipper at night shot, which is nice enough.

There are limited dramz back in the workroom, as the sewers are just cracking on and dealing with mistakes/problems by just, well, dealing with them.  There is limited time for Claudia chat too, as time is tight, but they all get a completed garment out this time.  They then wheel in their offerings and do the very last round of musical mannequins.  The dresses they have produced are all beautiful. Little girls would go utterly insane for them.  They would also be gorgeous adult-size, please.

Maytrick take a look and it's a direct reversal at the blind judging, as Tamara comes last, Heather second and Chinelo wins it.  She's back in the game!

3. The Free For All Challenge: a couture gown, to be fitted on... their bezzer mates!  Everyone is teary and delighted.  It's about flair, design and fit, but it probably also helps to have a gorgeous pal with a modelesque figure - which Heather does...  But of course.  Dressage ladies keep it toned, apparently.

Heather is going for out and out costume drama ballgown couture – a black gathered bustier tied over a bare back with a horse chain, a scarlet skirt and detachable orange taffeta bustle.  Patrick is worried about how much this all cost the production – I suspect he’s concerned his grooming budget might take a knock.

Tamara, elsewhere, appears to be making the outfit from the Wake Me Up Before You Go Go vid, which is an interesting strategy for a COUTURE task.  I'm sure Andrew Ridgeley's sweat stains are worth something to someone, but I'm not sure it's quite Chanel territory.  The illustration basically makes it look like a Laura Ashley print sun dress covered in grass stains.  There's 'risky', then there's 'really?'  Maybe the finished product will rock my world?  My expectations are low.  

They lowered even further as Tamara reveals she is also planning to use purple crystal organza - that's that sheeny shiny slightly scratchy material, which... well, it's not to my taste, I'm afraid.  Perhaps if the task was My Big Fat Couture Gown, it might pass, but as it stands, I think Tamara's got the context wrong here.  I'd wager that even flashtrashfiend Donatella Versace would think twice about using that stuff.

Chinelo is in disbelief that her best friend who “shies away from a camera phone” has agreed to appear on national television.  CBFF is gorgeous (in fact all the friends are gorgeous) and has an excellent fringe curtain over her face, right to the eyes, about which Claudia immediately admits severe fringe envy (you can take that to mean both severe fringe and severe envy, by the way – so severe severe fringe envy might be more accurate).  Chinelo is making a brown fishtail gown, which is nearly amazing, but also slightly (and weirdly) brings to mind an elaborate seventies coffee cake - the kind Brendan might have made in the Bake Off.  I'm disappointed.

Heather's still not on the gin and appears to be snacking on those ring-shaped jelly sweets.  Perhaps they are infused.

There are deep levels of concentration as everyone starts constructing their pieces together.  Rather than the usual needle action, we see Heather using some pliers on her horse chain, whilst Tamara is using a glue gun (fairly sure May's not going to like that much).  Chinelo meanwhile is fighting with tuile. 

The cameraman kindly decides to do some side-boob shots of Chinelo's super shy friend.  To be fair, she gives good side-boob.

Tamara has failed to wrangle the crystal organza, so has decided to leave it out.  I think she realised it was too awful.  Sadly though, the dress ends up being a bit nothing, especially in couture/gown terms – it needed a feature.

And then it's over!  Chinelo immediately comes out with the quote of the series: “Look at Heather's, it's amazing!  And Tamara... Only Tamara could have come up with that.”  Mwahahahaha!  I don't think she meant to be quite so bitchy - her delivery was friendly and kind, but why let that get in the way of blog-based mean girl insinuation?

For judging, Heather has teamed her creation with a top hat and whip, which is MARVELLOUS – it was already the best of the lot, without such hilaremazing accessorising.  (You can't go wrong with added whip – ask Ukraine's Eurovision selection committee.)  Patrick is a bit nervous of it, so asks Heather to takes hold of it whilst they inspect the dress.  Heather is, of course, entirely comfortable with whip in hand.   Maytrick are most impressed with her creation – and not because Heather could attack them at any moment.  They find one catch or something, but generally, full marks.

Chinelo's fishtail gown is a bit fifty shades of brown meets impractical prom dress for me.  It's impressively made, what with a million flowers sewn to the bodice - which are lovely - but it’s not to my taste this time (unlike pretty much everything else she's ever made).  Patrick isn’t a fan of the fishtail either, though admits to being nitpicky.

May compliments Tamara’s zip.  Yes, it’s come to that.  And of course she didn't like the glue gun either.  Poor Tamara looks pretty gutted.

And then it’s PARTY TIME, in preparation for the grand reveal.  The most important thing to note is that Me Julie’s back, disappointingly not in tweed, but just as brilliantly Northern.  The other contestants are around too and get probed about who should win. Cerina is cagey “I don’t think there’s a standout winner at all”, whilst Me Julie and Jenni go straight for the jugular: “Chinelo”.  Simon (remember him? The young man from tut mill museum – shamefully, I had to look his name up) thinks Heather might swing it.  David controversially plumps for Tamara.

There’s much squealing as the three finalists greet their friends and family.   Then Claudia walks out with, let’s face it, a pretty crappy trophy – like a plastic Oscar statuette sprayed gold, with a white wristband slung over it’s shoulder.  All that work for that?  Thank goodness they’re also getting a lucrative book deal and TV show.  Oh they’re not?   Oh.

And the winner of the Great British Sewing Bee is.... Heather!  She CANNOT believe it – there’s lots of clasping hand to mouth and looking shocked to the core, then shrieking and grabbing and crouching and standing and hugging and general happiness.  It’s probably my favourite winner’s reaction ever.  Mr Heather strides over and might even be wearing Heather’s tie, which pleases me greatly.  They have a snog on the telly.  Truly Heather's life is charmed.

There's just time for the What Have They Been Up To montage.  Roll VT!

Since The Great British Sewing Bee...

Cliff has started a men’s sewing circle.

Simon has weaved his own tweed to make himself a cap.  That’s quite a claim for the I’m Most Northern crown, isn’t it?

Me Julie has made some pyjamas for her new grandson.  What a granny she will be!  Quite hilariously, the producers choose the accompanying footage of Julie to be that moment where she was fanning her own armpits with a small electric fan.  Just one of many shining moments in just a few short weeks.  Give her the lucrative TV deal - with Heather and Lynda.  The first episode can be the three of them trying bingo.  Episode two is dressage.

Cerina is doing... something worthily boring about teaching kids.  Or not even teaching, but planning to teach.  Next!

Jenni is taking orders for funky trousers. This is rather unhelpfully matched to a shot of her fitting those horrific mustard leggings with the saggy arse and unnecessary pocket to her model.

David has made some posh curtains.

Lynda has been getting her overlocker on.

Tamara is next (suggesting she came third) and is going to make yoga outfits.  She is featured doing a headstand, just in case we weren't sure she really was a yoga teacher.  What about her children's entertainment business?  That got swept under the carpet, eh?

Chinelo is blogging and launching a womenswear clothing line.  She should also be given a earring modelling job, if you ask me.

And finally, Heather.  Heather has made Mr Heather a *dramatic pause* SILK BROCADE WAISTCOAT.  And THAT, ladies and gentlemen, is why she is our worthy winner.  Silk. Brocade. Waistcoat.  

Wowsers.

So, that’s our lot, people – another televised competitive middle class pursuit, another blast.  I hope you enjoyed that as much as I did.  I'm sure some will think Chinelo woz robbed, but Heather just galloped to victory in the final furlong - or, to put it in more dressage-y terms, horse-ballet-danced her way to the end of the routine.  Chin chin Heather - you may enjoy that bucket of wine now.  Hooray-tio!

In the meantime, I'll be counting the weeks to Bake Off and The Apprentice.  Still, there's other joy to be had in the interim.  Cue... EUROVISION!  

But for now, sew's over.