Great British Sewing Bee. Series 2. Week 5

Last two weeks: Blogging duties were temporarily suspended as I battled with the lurgy (blurgy) and spent much of my time watching glossy trash-fest Scandal through a haze of germs and phlegm.  We also said goodbye to Cerina, in spite of a triumphant kid’s pirate costume, and it was t'rah to Me Julie (me favourite).  Fare ‘ee well, Julie.  May you continue to dress like a tweedy (fabric, not Cheryl) gentleman farmer for long days to come.  Keep it Northern.

This week: challenging materials.

1. The Pattern Challenge: A nylon anorak, bomber jacket style – think less trainspotter and more Britpop band member.  Or Mary Berry on a rainy day.

Me Julie may be gone, but Tamara is still upholding the lady tie tradition.  She’s also wearing several different outfits at once again; stripy beach t-shirt, orange blouse, skew-wiff dinner cravat.  It’s... a look.

Meanwhile, David is going commando – his fabric of course, boom boom! (I can’t comment on his undies situation – though *spoiler* we will be hearing about both Heather’s and Jenni’s pants later, so stay tuned, viewers!)  David is making a camouflage-print anorak and, unlike the others, has worked out how to keep it waterproof: tape not hole-causing pins.  He admits he basically worked it out due to inexperience and/or laziness.

Chinelo earring watch: large bronze satellite dishes.  She looks as coolballs as usual.

Actually, whilst we’re (I'm) scrutinising our sewers’ fashion and grooming habits, I'd like point out that Heather’s nails are PERFECTLY manicured, to a quality level I've never seen before.  It's incredible!  If the bottom of the flawless scale starts at 'Boris Johnson’s peroxide hair after a sweaty bike ride in the wind followed by a go on a faulty trip wire', Heather’s nails are 'Patrick Grant’s side parting fresh from Vidal Sassoon on his way to an award ceremony having just been checked with a ruler'.

Fashionistory: Macs: not just for flashers - hooray for being waterproof.  Turns out macs are made of rubber and street-light waste, or summat.  (Maybe that should be be ‘were made of’, but I’m afraid I didn’t listen quite as closely as I should’ve.)

The sewers also have to use a special sewing machine, wield their iron over paper to stick on some seams, there’s also a sleeve complication and, um, well, erm, ah, please don’t ask me any more technical questions. 

In fact, best move straight to judging... The assembled mannequins are essentially Britpop Sleeper Bloke Identity Parade from Never Mind The Buzzcocks.  If Liam Gallagher is watching - as I'm sure he and Nicole regularly do on a Tuesday night - he'll be leaning in to take a closer look at David's camo-rak offering, for starters.

Jenni’s anorak - grey with garish yellow sleeves – is more noughties cyclist than nineties bassist (ha! I’m pleased with that one!), whilst Heather’s silver anorak is more spaceman than... nah, that crappy bassist reference was my limit.

Lynda and Chinelo also opted for grey (so that's Four Shades of Grey Anorak: a sexy story of cross-stitching and BDSM) - but sadly, there’s some shonky collar action going on. Lynda especially, it’s sad to say, has fluffed this one, probably producing the wonkiest collar of the series.  It’s a botch job – but time was against her.  At least Chinelo avoided pleats and puckers.

At the other end of the scale, Tamara’s electric blue anorak with red collars and waistband is so good that Patrick immediately covets it and claims he wants to buy it.  Patrick in something other than a perfect Saville Row suit?  Hmmm...  I'm not sure that's allowed.  Still, Patrick saying ‘I’d wear that’ is the true mark of success in the Sewing Bee – like the Hollywood handshake or the Mary Berry eye-crinkle.  So Tamara wins, with Jenni just behind her.  David’s in third, with Chinelo fourth and Heather and Lynda in fifth and last. 

Nooooooooooooooo!  Not Heather and Lynda - they're my faves!  Hey Maytrick, I’m still not quite over Me Julie leaving, so let’s not get rid of Heather or Lynda just yet, please.  I need time to process, OK?  Thanks!

2. The Customising Challenge: Maytrick offer up a plain white top - our sewers have to whip in some leather.  Heather’s enthusiasm is immediate and definite and entirely unsurprising: “Oh, I love a bit of leather! Yes, I can see me getting into leather.”  I love how everything in Heather’s life is either a bit sexy or a bit boozy or a bit horsey.  I mean she’s a walking Jilly Cooper novel (which, for the avoidance of doubt, is AN EXCELLENT THING).  Heather and Claudia decide she’s making a “date night top” and – would you believe it – Heather loves date night tops.  Well, durrrr!

Lynda decides she starting to get into the idea of leather clad fun too.  Let the two of them knock up some leatherette outfits and get out on the town immediately!  Provided I can join them.  Bet Claude would be up for it too.  Party of the century.

Lynda reveals that her clothes are all named.  Not Bert or Veronica or Rosie, as I first imagined, but, things like “my egg top”. Can you guess what colour that is?  (Yes, yellow – and that’s no yolk).  Lynda hopes this will be her “success story top”.

Claudia models Jenni’s top with a Michael Jackson squawk - that’s the international sound for ‘demure at the front, slinky lilac leather cut out at the back’, apparently.

Tamara seems to be fashioning a yellow cloud out of leather. She says she's not done this since she was twelve.

David is... I'm not sure. It looks like some turquoise and blue suede scraps fell into some glue really.  But it's a work in progress so I'm sure he can still turn it around.  I mean Tamara's clouds have now turned into frontal yellow wings with teal PVC splodge decor - think Playschool meets John Wayne.   If these projects can evolve from ‘yup that seems grand’ to ‘erm...’, maybe it can cut both ways and there’s hope for David yet...

...Though maybe not if you attack your leather with a razor, David.  "That technique was called 'I don't have a name'." David tells us - this could well be because it has the effect of turning a material from 'neat' to 'tattered', so isn't widely popular. "It probably looks awful” continues David, before pausing and deciding "Yeah, it does look awful."  

Objectively speaking, I can say this: it looks awful.

He then gets a mannequin's boob in his face. Things are looking up!

Claudia calls time and in come Maytrick for the blind judging.  May isn’t quite as gobsmacked as she has been been in the past, which is a shame as I love May’s wide-eyed look of pimped clothes wonder.   The WI really must be a closeted place.

Patrick doesn’t like the peek-a-boo cleavage nature of Heather’s ‘date top’ – clearly he prefers a more demure tête à tête.

How to describe what David made? Well. It’s a strip of electric blue suede over some turquoise suede, with holes gouged out, but still hanging off the fabric.  It’s original, sure, but the only type of person who might actually wear this is a child whose parents had to create a peasant costume for a school musical of Robin Hood, but only had blue suedes available to work with and it was that or naked in front of your classmates.  David is great.  This... this is not.

Chinelo’s made a one-shouldered black pelmet thing, with lace edging.  It’s quite not my bag, but it comes across as super stylish.

Tamara added a yellow sailor’s ribbon to her leather wings.  It's fine.

Jenni’s low cut back of lilac leather is a stormer in my book.  I mean, as lilac leather goes.

Lynda has produced a leather panelled bustier with leather corsage and leather leaves.  Again, I’m not sure I’d wear it, but looks impressive.

So, uptown top ranking: David, unshockingly, takes last, then Heather in fifth (again), Tamara four and Jenni three.  Chinelo is a close second to Lynda, who having fluffed the anoraks, goes from bottom to top.

3. The Free For All Challenge: velvet trousers.

I’ll say that again.

Velvet trousers.

Velvet trousers!!!  MWAHAHAHAHA! 

To me, little says ‘comedy value’ like the notion of velvet trousers.  Even the super stylish Gabby Logan couldn’t really pull them off during the coverage of the Six Nations final (admittedly in orange – hell, there’s brave and then some), so I’m looking forward to seeing where this goes. 

Also, is it just me or do you immediately imagine all velvet trousers in purple?

The other excellent twist is that the sewers are making the trousers for themselves, which means but one thing: Dave in velvet trews.  Amazepants.  They’ll also have to buddy up to help each other with the fitting – you can’t measure your own bum or ankles very effectively you see.

Chinelo giggles that this is a hairy fabric - I think that sums up the hilarity really.  Hairy trousers = just funny.

Heather is reclining on the large table as she pins her pattern – she does this in the style of Michelle Pfeiffer on a piano, which is the very least I would expect from Heather.

Jenni says she would “kill for a velvet suit”, which seems... extreme - especially when you're, you know, a sewer.  Claudia sweeps in, calls her material “floopy”, realises Jenni is screwed for time, then leaves, calling her “snazzy girl”.  There is no better TV personality of our time.  FACT.

Lynda has donned boots, in preparation for the modelling process, to try and even out the apparently V shaped nature of her legs.  She calls it “crafty” rather than “cheating”.  I think she’s on the right side of the line.

David... well, sometimes action speak louder than words.  I present his velvet trouser pattern.

Safari suit.  In velvet.  Words...

There follows a scene in which Claudia does an impression of a police siren and she and Dave start to improvise the world’s greatest cop show, where, in short, they buddy up to solve crimes in velvet uniforms.  Commissioned!

Heather’s pin cushion dog shot: it’s gone punk, with safety pins in its ears.  It’s literally the best thing there is.  Literally.

Chinelo, possibly after her simple PJ sitch, is making a complicated-looking peplum top for her velvet trews.  She says she’s worked with velvet “a hundred million thousand times”.  Having previously perved over Mr Heather in camouflage, Claudia coaxes another winner out of Chinelo, as they breathlessly imagine Mr Chinelo oiled up playing the piano, whilst Chinelo lounges around in velvet.

Indeed, on the subject of perving, it’s time for David to take off his trousers for his first fitting with his fit buddy Tamara (that's buddies who help fit patterns, rather than are hot, which is not to say either Tamara or Dave are uglies).  Heather takes note that it's time for David to remove his clothes and helpfully wolf whistles – clearly even the refined nature of the haberdashery can go a bit building site when there’s a lone gender surrounded by the other, with potential nudity in the offing.

As Heather disappears behind the curtain to prepare for her fitting, she tells her fit buddy Jenni that she probably “should have had Bridget Joneses on”.  It’s clear from Jenni’s face that Heather’s knicker choice is closer to the dental floss side of things.  Mind you the tables soon turn, as Jenni is getting tights/velvet friction and has to remove her hose.  “You will see my bottom” she tells Heather.  Heather is, of course, entirely unfazed.  There’s then some more arse-chat from Lynda, who says that she and her fit buddy Chinelo have got “big bums”.  Chinelo gently edits that to “round bums”.  So is that why she's going peplum...?

Patrick and Lynda have their customary heart-warming flirt.  This week Lynda is trying to hide her wrinkly zip, but to no avail, given Patrick’s eagle eye.  Heart pats ahoy!

Poor Jenni is having a mare – she’s put her waistbands on the wrong way round.  She’s doing her best to keep the tears at bay, but that’s a biggie to come back from, especially at this stage.

Claudia signals the end of the task by inviting them all to a “velvet party back at mine”.  Hell, I’d give velvet trousers a shot if that were the prize.

So what do the judges think? 

Lynda still got a pucker in her fly, but has made “a good fitting” pair of trousers. 

Chinelo gets compliments, but should have concealed her fastening.

Heather has slightly uneven darts.  She also has an excellent figure (that's my comment, not the judges).

Jenni’s backwards waistband is a shame and the judges aren’t keen on her roll-ups.

Tamara’s capri pants are a good fit – just some of the contrast in the waistband is coming through.  Overall, “very good”.

I was really hoping they’d save the sexy entrance music for David, but he gets the twenties tune like the others.  His velvet man trousers are well done, but - well, they are velvet man trousers.  Actually scrap that 'but' - we should be celebrating the velvet man trouser!

Garment of the week: Tamara’s funky bomber anorak: “ a brilliant, professional piece of sewing”.

And leaving this week:  It's Jenni and there are tears. Sorry Jenni – you seemed a delight, but I’m really relieved to see Heather survive to Jilly her way through some more challenges.  I enjoy how Jenni treats saying goodbye like ending a gig, bowing and shouting “I LOVE YOU GUYS!”  Jenni has now left the building.

Next week: Quarter finals.  Fat men’s suits and Chinelo tearing up a fancy winter coats.