2013 Episode 7 – Pastry week

Last week: A nation mourned, as we said goodbye to Howard. Here is the finest YouTube tribute I've seen to date. What a guy.

This week: Pastry Week and MUCHO STRESS, as apparently making pastry involves creating an almighty mess across every kitchen and running around the tent in a panicked frenzy, before getting told off by Mel.

Animal shot #1: a close-up of a bee! Just doing its thang in a yellow flower. #nature

Jacket watch: A veritable rainbow - Mel is in pink, Sue's tank top is orange and Mary's sporting blue and white sunflowers.  Natty.  For once, the level of shine on Paul's blue shirt does not require any TV screen contrast adjustment.

Signature bake: Suet pudding. Sweet or savoury and 'family sized' (whatever that means), with three hours to bake, steam or boil their offerings. If you weren't feeling completely repulsed already, Mel tells us that “suet pudding is the hard white fat that surrounds the kidneys and loins of sheep and cattle”. WHAT ARE WE WATCHING?!? Don’t get me wrong, I’m happy to eat offal - that is NOT a problem - but in sweet pastry?Hmmmmm. I think not.

Ruby's not got much suet experience, whereas Christine's an old hand, which tells you a lot about the current trendiness of suet pudding – course, that means it’s only a matter of time before it’s recycled back into fashion and the London Overland is crammed full of hipsters carrying spotted dicks in their ironic She-ra lunch boxes.

Frances is making Figgy Roll-y Poly Pudding with Caramelised Walnut and Honey Ice Cream, and OMG THERE IS NO CONCEPT. SOUND THE ALARM! HRRRRKKK HRRRRKKK!   However, Frances has decided to put goat's cheese in her sweet pud, so it's not all plain sailing in terms of the judges' expectations – everyone looks positively unconvinced when she tells them that’s going in and Sue Perkins will basically eat anything.

Ruby is using vegetarian suet – of course she is – in her Plum Jam Roly Poly with Ginger Ice Cream.  As a committed carnivore, I have very limited experience of vegetarian versions of things, but I have had vegetarian haggis and I’ll admit that was delicious (and surely not due to the copious whisky which accompanied it or the swooning caused by meeting Mr Cad for the first time).  Ruby hasn't had much time to practice this week - not because she’s been taking philosophy exams or dealing with university work, but because she's been playing with her new cat, Rupert.  Erm...  Ruby tells us she always thought she'd end up a “crazy cat lady” and “it's finally happened”.  Ruby is 20, people - frankly there's some way to go before she dies alone in a house full of kitties, forced to eat her lovely face and hair whilst the unopened Whiskers tins remain out of reach.

Over at Christine’s counter, we learn that Mr Christine (he who fashioned the sex toy baking implement) loves his wife's Spotted Dick 'With a Kick' and Vanilla Custard Ice Cream more than any other dessert - so Christine feels she knows what she's doing in this challenge.  Mary comes over and she and Christine’s mutual appreciation society continues; whenever Christine chats to Mary there's a respectful sense of older woman to older woman, illustrated, for example, by Christine's insistence on maintaining firm eye contact and using Mary's name as often as she can “well, what I did, Mary, was...” or “Mary, I sincerely hope it is”.  Paul doesn’t get a look in.

Kimberley isn't using raisins, as raisins iz for plebz.  She's using what she calls, after a faintly embarrassed pause, “Persian berries” - an announcement which is punctuated by that giggle which signals that Kimberley’s once again just realised how pretentious she’s going to sound, but it's too late, so she's going there anyway, and no regrets.  She's making Barberry and Apple Spotted Dick with Maple Syrup and White Chocolate Custard. Barberries (‘Persian berries’) are a cross between a sharp cranberry and a raisin and used to be particularly beloved by chavs, until Emma Watson did a pouty campaign to rehabilitate them towards poshness and now they are super trendy and we no longer have to suffer the likes of this.  Kimberley then claims that she's using the barberries because she's rebellious and it's in her nature to always want to ignore the brief she's been given.  Hmmm - so far the editing has shown us no sign of this whatsoever, so I can only deduce she's setting this back-story up as an excuse for future failure. “Oh, you know, Mary and Paul didn't like my bakes because I'm a barberry using REBEL, not like that goody two shoes Ruby, who always swots up and never wings it, oh no.”

Over to the BOOZE CORNER, where Glenn is infusing Agen prunes and Armagnac (sud-ouest represente!) and Middle England gets instantly drunk on the alcohol fumes emanating from the TV.  Glenn claims to be trying to find the impossible balance between being boozy enough for Mary and sober enough for Paul, but it's clear that, really, Glenn's a Mary man and plans to just pour out the good stuff!  Mel points out that Glenn is bang on trend as he's using a metallic rounded clutch bag as the mould for his Prune and Armagnac Pudding with Boozy Butterscotch Sauce.  Sadly, however, trendiness trumps practicality (how very clutch) as the top of Glenn's pud gets stuck to his clutch/mould when he tips it out. Glenn tries disguising the damage by dusting the top of his pudding with sugar, but this has the immediate effect of drawing attention to the hole - so he decides to blow-torch the sugar instead. BLOW TORCH? It promptly burns. Oh Glenn, I know nothing and I could have warned you off that approach.

Beca's going savoury, basing her dish on the Welsh cawl – a Spring Lamb and Vegetable Suet Pudding with Redcurrant Gravy. It sounds AMAZING, apart from, um, the suet bit.

Foodistory: HIGHLAND COO SPOT!!!!! My third favourite animal after zebra and cat. We’re off to the beautiful Isle of Mull to learn something about steaming clootie dumplings and using the same bit of cloth to make them for the whole of your life. I have hygiene-related queries.

Suet's (ahem, 'so it's') time for the judging!

Glenn has managed to uproot the very bedrock of all we know about Berrywood's tastes, because Mary decides “even for me, there's too much alcohol in there” whilst Paul proclaims “I love it!”.

Ruby gurns in typical distress as Paul cuts in to her offering, but Mary thinks “it's absolutely beautifully flavoured” and Paul says “if that was on a menu, I'd choose that, yeah”.

Has Frances finally won Mary over? She exclaims “doesn't that look attractive” when they cut into Frances' suet to reveal a cinnamon swirl.  (Mind you, such praise is a bit of barbed compliment when you think that this is the first dish Frances has produced which isn't based around visual stylings.)  Even though Paul doesn't like goat's cheese, he acknowledges that the “hint” of it “actually goes with the sweetness of the fig. Fantastic.”

Beca “could have got away with a little less suet crust”, but the judges love her meat, veg and gravy.  Mary asks Beca if she thinks her pud would feed “six or eight?”.  Beca smothers the world's biggest scoff and says “My family, maybe four.”

According to Paul, Kimberley's barberries have “a huge sort of sourness, which I love by the way”.  It's also “steamed perfectly” and is “extremely good”. Kimberley looks mighty happy and I quite want to try suet now.

However, it seems that the judges’ favourite ends up being Christine's. “Everything about that is right” says Mary and Paul doesn't even wait to finish his mouthful before declaring it “delicious”.  The producers meanly throw in a shot of Kimberley looking peeved.

Animal shot #2: Lambs. And that bee again.

Sue then sends Paul and Mary off to “the love dungeon” where she promises that Mary is going to “tip him up and check whether he's got a soggy bottom”.  Oh Sue. Welcome back.

The Technical Challenge: Eight Religieuses, the French for nuns, which is what they are supposed to look like – in so far as choux pastry filled with crème patissiere, smothered in chocolate ganache and piped with whipped cream can look like a nun.  Actually, I can see how it can and I WANT TO EAT THAT IMMEDIATELY.  Sue tells us “I've never eaten a nun before”.  I’m just glad Mary’s out of earshot and doesn’t need that one explained.

Get! Set! Bake!

Some bakers have an idea of what religieuses look like, but no-one seems to have made them before. Beca feels “physically sick” at the task, but Kimberley tells us that choux pastry is actually, like, rilly rilly easy, and only a total idiot would be be scared of it, cause it's, like, totes simple.  Cut to Mary and Paul in the love dungeon discussing how bloody hard it is to make.  Kimberley, you REBZ.

Sue comes over to admire Beca's “hot nuns” and says “Amen” in a way that implies “wimples are a fetish”. There’s more visual comedy as the bakers brandish massive cartoon-sized needles to inject their nuns with crème pat – Mel likens it to filling a car with petrol.  Christine's had a nightmare with her choux (poo choux if you will) and she knows that extra ganache won't help - “Mary's too canny for that”.  Head Girl Crush ahoy.

NUN DOWN NUN DOWN!  Nunheads (South East London reprezzzzent!) are dropping all over the shop, with choux blobs hitting the kitchen surface with the same satisfying thwack as this waffle falling over (a clip which has had over ONE MILLION VIEWS - and you too will watch it AT LEAST ten times, I swear.  It’s mesmeric. )

Last minute head gluing in place, it's time for Berrywood to get their blind tasting on.   I am well jell – these nuns look delish.  Christine takes bottom (for her poo choux) then Frances (runny crème patissiere), Kimberley is fourth (inconsistency in size), Glenn is third, Ruby second and so Beca gets the top spot.  She tells us she's “so chuffed” whilst waving her religieuse around, clearly wanting to stop talking and start eating. Us too. * sigh *

Show-stopper: Three types of puff pastry. “Think palmier, think lattice, think pinwheel, think massive horn.” (You lost me at puff, Sue.)  One type filled, one type iced and the third is baker's choice. Twelve of each. “No presh” says Mel, which from anyone else would sound ridic, but from Mel sounds amazeb.  I love her.

Glenn bitches that anyone with a job or a family or friends or a life doesn't make puff pastry very often.  The camera immediately cuts to Frances who tells us that she's really got into making puff.   No further comment needed, eh?

In fact all the women are keeping their puff-making traditional, whilst Glenn is going for the inverted method, whatever that might be.  Apparently, it's all to do with which order you roll butter into dough or dough into butter - potato, patatah, if you ask me, but I imagine Paul Hollywood won't agree, and lo, he doesn't.  In fact Berrywood are so sceptical that we see them lurking in the background, spying on Glenn's pastry making in a particularly sinister way. Glenn is producing Caramelised Apple and Marizpan Tartlets, Chocolate Elephant Ears, and Passion Fruit Mille-feuille. The Elephant Ears aren't ACTUALLY ears, but biscuits shaped in a whirly way.

Beca is making (*deep breath, as these lists are loooong*) Nectarine and Frangipane Squares, Chocolate and Hazelnut Vol-au-vents, and Strawberry and Cream Mille-feuille. She's applied military tactics to her timings, allocating time in sections for each part of the process.  She’s on it.  No time for talking!

Frances is making French Framboise Cream Horns, Sheet Music Mille-feuille, and Bass Clef Palmiers – can anyone smell a theme?! You can't keep a concept girl down for long, can ya?  It's all inspired by Edith Piaf.  Good work – excellent potential for many 'will Frances regrette rien' based puns.

Ruby can't really remember what she's making – blame the cat.  We eventually learn she's opted for Raspberry and Passion Fruit Mille-feuille, Caramelised Apple Lattice, and Portuguese Custard Tarts. She thinks she's going to be really pushed for time – it’s so unlike Ruby to predict failure, isn’t it?

Kimberley, on the other hand, thinks she's ahead of time, and wishes she had a time chart, so she could document her exceptional time management proficiency. Oh COME ON. Honestly, I have tried to be fair – I didn't rise to the Japanese philosophy, the five types of cherry or the 'rebellious' Barberry - but sometimes, lady, you have GOT to tone down the smug.  I mean, if you're so ahead of time, KIMBERLEY, then why don't you use the time to draw up a time chart, huh? HUH?

And breathe....

Kimberley is making Pear, Malt and Butterscotch Mille-feuille, Blackberry and Lemon Verbana Crème Brulee Custard Tarts, and Fig, Orange and Thyme Galette.  You know, in the plenty of time that she has.

Finally, Christine is making Eccles Cakes, Fresh Fruit Baskets and Lemon Cream Eton Mess Mille-feuille, which are probably the Mille-feuille I'd go for, if I had to pick. I mean Kimberley's Pear and Butterscotch sound lovely too, but she's also putting Malt in them and that sounds vile, aside from with chips and vinegar, right?

Glenn has announced that his palmier Elephant Ears might be as big as an adult's head. Is that an adult elephant?  If so, YES PLEASE.

Ruby tells Mel she is seriously stressed out and Mel asks her, very earnestly, if she wants a slap.  Ruby genuinely thinks about it and responds that she would like to put the slap offer in the bank for later when she will most need it: “Save it for the last five minutes.” “OK” says Mel.  (Believe it or not, this is a key scene – please retain for plot purposes.)

Montage time - mainly teeth gnashing and oven-based stress - then a piping interlude, as the bakers assemble and decorate their bakes in a madcap, nerve-racked way.  Poor Glenn is having some breakage issues, but no time to blow-torch this round.  Then Sue announces the “last five minutes”.  Aha!  Tension mounts – will Ruby request her slap?

We cut to Mel helping Frances deal with some fruit, as Ruby, in a little voice, nervously says “Melllll?  I need a talking to, can you...” before her voice breaks.  Super Mel deals with Frances' fruit, excuses herself and rushes over to Ruby. She doesn’t perform a slap (dammit!), but sternly tells Ruby “Get a grip. Get a grip. GET A RUDDY GRIP.” It’s brilliant.  Ruby responds with a million thank yous and it totally seems to work as she trots off to her fridge, revitalised, and Mel returns to Frances’ fruit, with seconds to go. "Oh God this is so stressful" she says.

Meanwhile Sue is licking chocolate off her fingers.  

And TIME.  Who will be Puff Daddy?

Animal shot #3: blurry blackbird.

For the avoidance of doubt, the blurry blackbird is not Puff Daddy.

Paul, quelle surprise, is “not convinced” by Glenn's pastry making approach. Berrywood criticise the appearance of his mille-feuilles (“awful” and “hideous” - ouch), but think the flavours are alright. The tarts are “pretty” and the flavour “lovely” but they are undercooked.

Beca has produced a good puff pastry, but there is no “elegance” or “shine” in the presentation. They like the flavour of her vol-au-vents though.

How will Frances' theme go down? “They certainly look impressive” says Mary, and - HOLD ON TO YOUR HATS - “this is a great theme”.  Wowsers, Mary must be a Piaf fan (but who isn't?).  There’s ALSO compliments for the flavours across the board; Paul thinks she's done “really well”.

“Great flake” on Kimberley's pastry, though some of it has fallen apart. But Paul's ready for Kimberley's jelly, which tastes “fantastic, nice and zingy”.

Ruby's presentation isn't a success (“untidy”) and, in the case of the tarts, “technically burnt”. But “it actually tastes very nice”.

Christine gets the tuning oboes of doom music, and we hear her philosophically state that “if I get through, I'll be thrilled, and if I don't, I couldn't have done any better”. Uh oh, this doesn't bode well.  But it's FINE – Mary is generally loving Christine, though we knew that – but so is Paul.

Hmmmm – high standards all round.  It's tough at the top these days.  Who’s getting kicked out of the love dungeon this week?

Ma Baker: Frances finally gets her turn! And Mel uses the regrrrrrrrette rien pun. BOOM!

Leaving: It's Glenn - of course it is, but sad times nonetheless. Fortunately Sue picks up the atmos (as Mel would call it), by shouting "you beautiful big bear, come on let's turn him!" as Glenn is engulfed in the Mel and Sue sandwich.

So that’s an all women final then. Who run the (cake) world? GIRLS, to misquote the grammatically incorrect Beyoncé song.

Next time: The Quarter-finals. And a baking free-for-all by the looks of it. Christine appears to be fashioning an electric guitar from icing sugar, Ruby's growing the Incredible Hulk in her blender and Beca promises it's going to get competitive - proper competitive. Eeeeek!