2014 Episode 10 - The Final

Last week: Chetna stumbled at the final hurdle and Richard's fifth Star Baker turn guaranteed him a Series Victory. I mean surely. Right?

This week: THE FINAL. Mel and Sue have got into a boat in a swamp to blow the starting whistle. It is unclear a) how they got there and b) whether they can be rescued.

Sue reminds us that thousands applied, but only twelve were selected “to bare their baking souls at the gingham altar”.  Or a binful of Melted Alaska in Iain's case. We’re reminded of some other key dishes along the way: Claire’s Explosive Diarrhoea Cupcakes and Norman’s Lavender Meringue stand out.  (Why Norman WHYYYYY?)

The three finalists big each other up. Richard has his baking stars, Luis is the design don, and Nancy is the one whose bakes the others eat first – now that’s telling... Fairly or unfairly, Richard is being set up as the favourite, Luis as the competitive one and Nancy the underdog.

Bakers ready, kitchen stations ready, HERE. WE. GOOOOO....

Blazer watch: Nothing is going to beat the pink stork bomber, so Mary has decided to recycle an old fave for the Final - fuchsia roses on a white blazer: a Laura Ashley curtain dream.  Paul is just wearing another one of his many, many, MANY shiny grey shirts. 

In the name of science, I’ve done a compare and contrast between weeks 1 and 10, to check Mel and Sue's chub levels, and they might have all been slightly sharper of chin at the start, but in all honesty, given the amount of sugar they’ve mainlined, it’s looking preeeeeetty good.

A note also, on Nancy's eyelashes – I'm guessing the Girls Aloud eyelash range ('the Nadine' brand).

The Signature bake: Two different types of Viennoiserie.

Croissants, pains au chocolat, Danish pastries and the like.

Paul starts banging on about lamination again. I still don’t have a clue what it is.

Nancy is going for Apple and Lemon Kites & Raspberry and Almond Croissants and is going to use something called raspberry powder, which SURELY Mary can't be on board with. Nancy says she only makes croissants at Christmas because “at other times of year, they don't get eaten”. THIS LITERALLY DOES NOT COMPUTE.  WHAAAA?!? Croissants not getting eaten? This is just a straightforward impossibility, from which I will struggle to move on.

Luis is making Apple, Walnut, Raisin & Cheshire Cheese Chaussons and Pain au Chocolat Blanc with Raspberries & Cream Cheese. He gets mocked for his Franglais term “Pain au White Chocolate” - that may be embarrassing but it's also wise, as it means no-one thinks to have a pop at him for essentially sticking a Milky Bar, some fruit and some cheese into an already perfect breakfast pastry.

Richard is also mocked for his French, particularly for his pronunciation of the 'pain au lait' part of his Pear Pain au Chocolat and Pain au Lait bakes (in his defence, that whole thing's a mouthful - wahay pun time). He grins that “I speak French a bit London”. He wanted to make pain au lait as he loved it as a kid. Paul tells him that it's probably too simple and they will need to be “absolute perfection”. OH LET ME GUESS HOW THIS WILL GO.

Nancy wants an extra half-hour of kneading time to compensate for her weedy lady-muscles. Frankly, I would fancy her chances in a punch-up – she's nails, is Nancy. (And has excellent nails to boot.)

Someone FINALLY explains lamination - and it's Luis, so he should TOTES win (and just because I've got him in the sweepstake etc etc). It's all about folding pastry and going “dough, butter, dough, butter”. There you go – clear as a laminated bun.

“Richard thinks he's found a shortcut” announces Mel. Ohhhhhkaaaaaay. First too simple, now too complicated to make in the time... Well, it's becoming wide-open, folks. So much for the five stars – we know the drill and anything can happen now.

Paul explains that Richard's shortcut will make things “too bready”. I'm not sure how this is a bad thing, but it's clear from the Hollywood tone that this is not the done thing.

Nancy is using frozen fruit pellets to fill her viennoiserie, whilst explaining that fruit is too wet for the pastry and, I dunno, something something something. Anyway, cut to Luis using – yes, fruit, whilst the tinkly music of doom plays: “I hope I don't have a disaster” he chuckles. Oh boys, I think we've all underestimated the power of Nancy and her perfect chignon.

Dramatic montage #1: Waiting for the prove, as the rain absolutely pisses it down outside. They're going to have to towel the grass to get it dry for the assembled guest bottoms tomorrow.

Dramatic montage #2: Out of oven and decor time – Luis anxiously bobs up and down with one white oven glove on. He's like the Spanish-Stockportian Michael Jackson.

Signature Berrywood verdict: Luis' pain au white chocolate are both “uniform” and “some are baked more than others” (it's been a long series, Mary, I imagine you're tired). Paul spots a soaking raspberry (Nancy presumably feels smug about her pellets) and doesn't like the cheese in the taste either. At least the others have a “nice bit of flake” and are “a winner”.

Nancy has “nearly got” the prove with her croissant. Although they are “a bit doughy”, “the raspberry is delicious”- pellets for the win! The kites should have been thicker, but “top marks for flavouring”.

Richard's pain au lait had to be “ABSOLUTELY UTTERLY ENTIRELY UNQUESTIONABLY  COMPLETELY TOTALLY PERFECT” remember – and... well they were touching in the oven, so have had to be gently ripped apart. “This is not a batch bake” says Paul, sternly, before going on (and on) about being really quite "upset" about it.  Though it's still got “great bake and texture”. Paul deems the others “a buttery roll” and it's a “shame” there are no textures.  Hmmm.

The Technical Challenge: Twelve mini Victoria sandwiches, twelve mini tartes au citron, twelve scones.

A controversial challenge, as some hated this one - but I thought it was a brilliant plan. Back to basics and back to blind panic, expect for Nancy, of course.  This was tailor-made for Nancy.

At least they have been given instructions, which Richard kindly reads out: “Make twelve Victoria sandwiches, make twelve tartes au citron, make twelve scones”.  Great!

Mary and Paul huddle backstage with their rider of artisanal bread and sherry and enjoy a crony-like bitching session about the prospects. “We're asking for sheer perfection” says Mary “that's all”. Even Paul thinks that's a little bit of a high bar, but when Mary has that look in her eye, you do not argue.

Nancy is just on this Technical Challenge; indeed, to quote Mel, "she's on it, like Jane Austen bonnet". Whilst the boys sound nervous, Nancy has steel in her voice - I strongly suspect this is not her first emergency speed bake rodeo. For starters, she has task prioritisation down-pat; she knows how long to chill pastry for and reveals an anti-curdle trick like it's standard info. As if that weren't enough, the whole thing is clinched by the way she throws away the line "I make all my own jam, anyway". You can tell Richard and Luis sometimes, just sometimes, eat Tesco's own brand raspberry.

Richard announces he is "just bashing his butter." That's BUTTER, everyone.  

It's time to get the Vicky sponges out.  Richard sticks his thermometer into his batch and assesses that they are done.  Nancy just takes hers out the oven after a quick throwaway peek, cause she knows... she just knows...  

On the custard tart front, Luis is having to jigsaw his pastry into the cases and press.  Oh Luis.  That is not "sheer perfection"!

Richard's over-egged his pudding - one egg was for glazing, but he chucked it into the mix.  Gah!  Eggwashgate #2.  He decides to start again.  But TIME, Richard, WHAT ABOUT TIME?!  It's really tense!

Even unflappable Luis is getting unusually flapped. Fortunately Mel arrives to do some well-placed back patting and to point out that he left a piece of rice in one of his pastry cases.

Richard announces he has never made tarte au citron before. !!! Well that's the title gone, then. Sheesh. At least he still has a plan: He's just going to chuck the custard mix into some pastry and hope for the best in the oven.  Grrrrreat.

Dramatic montage #3: Jamming the scones and writing 'citron' on the tarts.  Or "colon" in someone's case.

And they are done.  I fear we are some way from "sheer perfection", especially on the lemon tarts.  Over to Berrywood...

Luis' tarts don't have any piping on them and Nancy and Richard haven't piped the cream into her sponges. Mary frowns and decrees: "when you're trying to impress, you pipe" - another Mary Berry life-lesson there.  One to apply to all walks of life, I'm sure.

Turns out Richard's plan didn't really come off - he has made tarte au scrambled egg.

Tecchie Rankings: Richard comes last, Luis is AMAZED to avoid bottom, Nancy storms it and comes a clear first.  Twas always going to be thus.

Animal shots: Nope. It's bunting in the breeze time.  We can smell the impending tea party.. 

Berrywood dissect the current standings with Mel and Sue. They stress how they "don't look back" and judge the final on the three challenges of the weekend. I know that's the score, but I suspect I'm not alone in thinking that's slightly unfair when there's a series title in play and someone has won Star Baker five times. No?  

The Show-stopper: A pièce montée.

Sue explains this is an enormous and elaborate pastry centrepiece usually consisting of cake, sugar work, choux and petit fours.  I'm hoping that's not choux in the 'cabbages' sense.

Mel's brillz abbrevs-ing skills: "It's got to taste increds".

"I think of the ones I've seen in 18th and 19th century pictures" says Mary. 'Pictures'.  Ok Mary. *winks*

Richard's pièce montée is based on where he's from, which is Mill Hill. There's talk of a hill and a windmill, but technically it should look like a little black blunted-ended tadpole which tangents off the Northern line and leads to a mythical land akin to Narnia (I assume, it's not like anyone's actually been there). 

He's Mill on the Hill will contain (*deep breath*) almond sponge and raspberry jam, ginger sponge and lemon and lime curd, a croque-en-bouche with orange custard drizzled in an elderflower liqueur, white chocolate ganache, an almond brittle wall, iced green grass and meringue mushrooms.  Show... stopped.  Richard's back in the game!

Nosy home life bit: HOORAY!  I've really missed the snoopping into the bakers' private lives.  Richard was a child with glasses and no pencil behind his ear -  how things change. Mrs Richard, a redhead, gets the welling up started by saying how proud she is, before  Richard 'sweetens' the mood even further by telling us he is using lots of ginger.  "I am a ginger-lover.  I did marry one." Romance, ladies and gents.

Nancy has decided to save time by doing an all-in-one-sponge where she is just "chucking it all in" - unfortunately her blender gets over-excited and chucks it all out.

Nancy is "sticking with the French theme" and making a Red Windmill - she RESOLUTELY refuses to call the Moulin Rouge, lest Paul get one over on her pronunciation skills, no doubt.  She's using red-dyed caramel on the sails and is going for "burlesque and sinister".  Sue thinks she "can-can" do it. 

Nosy home life bit: Nancy is an late over-achiever; she did a degree in her forties and took a dog to Crufts (like, as part of the competition, not just for a walk).  We see some adorable Hull children - I'm assuming they are two of her eight grandchildren.

Luis is making a tribute to his hometown of Poynton, called Village in Chocolate, which is essentially made of, yes, chocolate. I lose count of all the variations, but I am willing to try them all. 

Nosy home life bit: Luis plays in a ukulele band and as a younger man, he had a full head of black hair which gave him the MOST SPANISH FACE YOU HAVE EVER SEEN!  The power of follicles, eh? Senora Luis is also a bit teary.  Bless.

Dramatic montage #4: Choux-poo-pi-dou.  Luis strides purposefully across the room, before delicately piping out a load of balls.  (Choux balls.)

Richard and Luis discuss how they are in a "constant silent panic".  Nancy doesn't even bob her chignon.

The tea party picnic is kicking off and the weather is fortuitously glorious - OF COURSE IT IS.  God would NEVER let it rain on Bake Off final day.  Martha's brought some 17 year old mates, who are trying not to look crazy-excited.  Chetna's old enough not to give a shit who sees her excitement: "who's it gonna beeeeeeeeeeeeeee?" she squeals.  Iain tells us that "the people who got the final deserved it", before pointedly death-staring at Diana (I made that last bit up).  He's backing Luis.  Enwezor is for Richard.  Diana is supporting Nancy in the name of "woman-power" (oooh, perhaps #bincident was a guerilla act against patriarchal oppression rather than a panicked confused freezer mix-up?!).  As for Norman, he tells us he is willing to put a one pound each way bet on Nancy.

(On which note, hoorayyyyyyy!!!! A Norman sighting!  He's even the best when it comes to picking your favourites.)

Back in the kitchen we learn that Mr Nancy has made his wife another gadget.  It's not as sex-toy-esque as the last one, even though the instruction was "I want to able to mould my brandysnap around something".

Mel and Sue are sneaking around eating all the leftovers they can find, knowing it's the last chance for another year.  GO ON GELS.  Speed eat for your lives!

Dramatic montage #5: Assembling the structures.  No crashes so far...

Uh-oh, Nancy's lost a sail!  It's ok, she'll sort it - no sinister French windmill's going to defeat Nancy.

And that's it!  "Your Bake Off 2014 is over".  Eeeeek!

They all look amazing.  Fact.

Show-stopping Berrywood verdict: Richard's windmill is "bright and fun".  The flavour of the bottom layer is "fantastic" and the upper layer "nicely contrasts" it.  Mary checks the choux: "that's a first-class choux", she decides.

Nancy's apron has bloodstains on it, from the red caramel, which makes me realise how few blue plasters we've seen this series.  She's told she should be "proud" of how her windmill looks - and so she should, the SAILS ONLY TURN!  There's a comment that her biccies "could have been neater", but the shortbread is "first-rate".  "The flavours are good" says Paul, then he adds "beautiful", even though her profiteroles could have been bigger.

Luis colliery decor "doesn't half draw your eye to it" and both judges LOVE the design. He's also got his mint/peppermint ratios right, but one of the chocolate sponge layers is just a little bit dry.  "The hazelnut works" though and he has made a "beautiful chocolate biscuit". 

Oh my God - I CANNOT call it.  

They return to the outstretched arms and greedy little mouths of their loving friends and family. And then it's time...

The winner of the Great British Bake Off 2014 is... Nancy!  

I have to be honest, although my wallet was rooting for Luis, just before they announced the winner, I whispered "Richard" to my boyfriend - suggesting my heart lay with the blue pencil.  However, Nancy was an excellent dame, and backchat to Paul Hollywood should never go unrewarded.  Nancy plants her tongue firmly in her cheek and explains that she hadn't really forgotten the Male Judge's name, but was actually in love with him.  Our winner, ladies and gentleman - worthy indeed.

Since the Great British Bake Off:

Claire has baked, Enwezor has done an endurance race and Jordan has worn jumpers. Iain hasn't chucked any cakes in the bin (probably) and Nancy has gone freezer to freezer on a sabotage mission in the name of women-power (again, probably).  

!!!!! NORMAN IS WRITING HIS AUTOBIOGRAPHY, DEAR GOD LET HBO HAVE THE IMMEDIATE RIGHTS.  !!!!!

Mind you, he's only reached five, so we may have some time before it's there.  

Kate has been practicing patience, Martha passed all her exams and Chetna's going to launch a pop-up kitchen thing.  Finally, Richard has retired the pencil, but not the baking, Luis continues to wear an excellent selection of bright t-shirts, and Nancy is still perfectly coiffed. 

Wasn't it wonderful. *sigh* How we'll miss such heart-warming and genuinely nice people humbly achieving such incredible feats. It just makes for a better world somehow... God bless the BBC for such TV loveliness every Wednesday at 9pm.  
Next week: The Apprentice.