2014 Episode 8 - Advanced Dough Week - Quarter finals

Last week: Fryer timer woes and bye bye to Kate. An eclair stair of yeah for Richard. But mostly Mary Berry wore a brilliant pink bomber jacket with a stork on it.

This week: The somewhat repulsive sounding 'advanced dough'. Mel and Sue make jokes about a bread with a PhD - though Mel seems to have slight doubts about the comedic impact. Sue does a velociraptor impression. (As it's not one of those super mean unrealistic interviews on The Apprentice with Evil Claude or that other one with the nearly-mullet, this is entirely fine.)

Blazer watch: Mundane after last week. Mary's got a fancy floral top on, but if it's not satin salmon zip up with a bird emblazoned on the front, what is the point?

The Signature bake: Sweet fruit loaf.

It has to be enriched dough and freeform, but can be any flavour or fruit, and no tins. (In my mind "no tins!" was instructed in the EXACT voice Edna Mode uses to decree "no capes!".)

Martha tells us that it takes three and a half hours to make enriched dough, but they only have two and a half hours. Hmmm. That would seem to be a problem.

Luis is making what looks like a giant bread broccoli, which he's calling Black Forest Cherry Tree. It will have choc chips and cherry inside, as well as a sugar cube infused with brandy; it's the quarter finals, so now's the time to unashamedly appeal to Mary by upping the alcohol content.  Though he's also got a green glacé cherry, which Mary will probably be less keen on.

Martha too is sneaking the booze in (mind you, that's par for the course for a 17 year old); she's brought in her aunt's home-made cassis to throw into her Spiced Plum Iced Bread Swirl. 

Chetna's Date and Walnut Swirl Bread is inspired by a Croatian bread she is finding unpronounceable. She attempts “peh-teet-za” and “po-eh-teet-za”, but doesn’t look convinced. Mel clarifies that it’s definitely not a pizza though, which is slightly disappointing. Sue, taking on the voiceover then confidently pronounces it “pov-e-tizta” with a V sound. How interesting that Sue should know exactly how to say it - it's almost like the elders of the Bake Off tent are entirely familiar with the poviticia concept. HMMM.   Mary frowns as she asks Chetna, with apparent confusion: “do you tear or slice it?” The Berry confusion is confusing - generally if she hasn’t heard of something, she’s all excitable and bright-eyed; confusion is reserved for when she sees a technique she knows will lead to inevitable fuckupery. DOUBLE HMMM. 

Less confusingly for Mary, there's yet more booze being implemented, as Nancy is sticking Marsala wine in her Lincolnshire Plum Braid, which she points out sounds like 'bread' AND will be plaited, DO YOU GET IT? (We get it.)

Bread puns are par for the course, of course, BUT THEN Nancy drops an ABSOLUTE CLANGER: “I’m going to finish the prove in the microwave.” !!!!!!!!!!  The judges go into silent shock (where's Dani Intensive Care when you need her) and even Mel looks a little scowly as she asks “Have you tried this before?”.  Nancy says she has, as Paul continues to look on with ABSOLUTE DAGGERS (though he's possibly still smarting from MaleJudge-gate). Nancy, Nancy, Nancy, this has 'shop bought fondant icing written all over it!  I fear the worst!

As Mary and Paul murmur about the dangers of microwaving, Mel picks up one of Nancy's bottles and surreptitiously sprays an unidentified orange liquid into her mouth. So much for the attempt to sneak a shot of booze in, as she immediately starts gagging - “I thought it was the Marsala!” she rues. "No!" says Nancy, "That's my oil!"

Dramatic what-will-happen-in-the-microwave interlude #1: It's time for Nancy to attempt her microwave prove. Luis comes over, as he’s “never seen” microwaving before. Nancy says she was told it was dangerous. “Not for our Nance!” they giggle.  At the back of the exam hall, invigilator Paul whispers to Mary that microwaving “destroys the protein structure and can destabilise the dough”. Clearly this is madness Nancy! Ominously, Nancy then drops a random lemon on the floor. “Bloody hell, Nancy!” whispers Luis, nervous as hell.  There's a tense wait and finally the microwave pings (which is a good a time as any to share the AMAZING fact that the Welsh for ‘microwave’ is ‘popty ping’). Nancy opens to door to reveal... A massively risen dough. PHEW!

Richard is make a type of Chelsea Bun he’s calling a Fruit Swedish Tea Ring. Paul sees that Richard has covered his bench in flour and asks the (let’s face it) rhetorical question “do you not think that’s excessive?” - frankly, if there hadn’t been much flour, he would have asked why Richard thought it appropriate to use so little. Richard thinks he had a very wet dough, so it’s necessary. Paul then makes Richard show him his dough and there’s a sharp intake of breath. Paul informs him there was too much carbon dioxide in there and promptly leaves. Nothing like installing confidence in the bakers, eh Paul?

Sue has come over to chat to Luis, which prompts his memory that he’s forgotten to add not only the fruit, but also the chocolate to his dough. Eeeek! It's unusual for Senor Luis to make a mistake. Sue then kindly likens his cherry brandy sugarlump to a polio vaccination - though to be fair, I still dream about the deliciousness of Calpol. Paracetamol tablets don’t have anything like the same tasty effect.

Dramatic what-will-happen-in-the-microwave  #2: Nervously Nancy goes in for her second prove. Mel comes along - they can’t get enough of this microwave action! (I suppose it counts as extreme baking by the tent’s standards.)  Nancy in no way theatrically ups the ante by telling Mel that this could be her “death knell”. Microwave on and popty ping!  The door opens... no black smoke, no fire, no flat plait, indeed a slightly over the top RESULT! “It’s twice the size!” according to Mel. But what will Paul have to say...

Any other mortal would find themselves a bit overwhelmed by the enormity of their microwaved dough, especially as Sue helpfully likens it to a Labrador and Richard asks if it will cook at that size. Nancy just shrugs. Hahaha – I’ve always liked her, but I’m really starting to love Nancy.

Luis sticks a thermometer into his giant broccoli-shaped bread, which looks like a dozen boobs with bejewelled nipples from a certain angle. “That’s done” he says, confidently. Paul lurks in the background looking extra shady and extra judgy. Hollywood just LOVES the superiority of being a master-baker during advanced dough week, doesn’t he?

Chetna’s rocking her orange converse again. They are super aces. (Mango-coloured, someone on Twitter pointed out.)

As the last five minutes are announced Paul takes the opportunity to stalk through the tent putting the heebie jeebies into everyone by poking their loaves and looking unimpressed. Martha disinfects where Paul touched her bread by adding extra apricot glaze. Richard tells Paul “it’s too late now, innit”. Nancy openly stares Paul down and laughs in his face. I LOVE HER.

Mary was probably busy backstage lining her stomach for the booze to come.

Signature bake judging: Martha’s loaf has a “very attractive colour” and “springs back” as they cut through it. Mary thinks it has a “very nice flavour”, but she would have “liked to see some pieces of plum in it”.

The judges like the look of Chetna's “original” loaf and are pleased to see excellent swirls inside. Paul thinks there's “too much cinnamon”, though Mary's fine with that.

Luis' loaf “looks spectacular”. Paul likes the flavour, but “the sugar, I'm not sure about”. Mary, however, “isn't arguing with the [brandy-laden] sugar” and “will have another mouthful please”.

Nancy's microwaved loaf is “either underproved or the protein has been damaged”. Paul pokes around at the inside with a dubious look on his face and Nancy cries “but it's not awful, is it?”. “I've not said anything yet!” snarks Paul. Mary stands in the background chewing away, then announces “I think it tastes absolutely scrumptious”.

Mary thinks Richard's loaf is “sitting flat”, but Paul says he's “nailed that one” with “a nice blend of flavours”.

No obvious disasters there then. It's close stuff!

Mel introduces the technical challenge and asks for “happy faces”. Luis stays resolutely “in concentration mode”.

The Technical Challenge: A povitica.

Sound familiar?! WELL YES – to Cheta, who has JUST made one. No wonder Sue knew how to pronounce it. As we've already learned, it's basically brioche with self-saucing Nutella on the inside. Sue stresses that it was “pure chance” that Chetna had opted for that bake this morning. Chetna's having hysterics of relief in the background. Richard decides to “learn by watching”, which he clarifies is “not cheating”.

You apparently have to roll out a massively large very very thin piece of dough, spread cocoa butter and walnuts over it, roll the whole thing up in a giant tube, then snake it around a bread tin and prove/cook. Sounds simple, frankly.

Technical dilemma ahoy! How long to bake and how long to prove? Shall we ask Chetna? Chetna whispers that the key is a long bake, so proving time can be reduced. She must be well subtle, as no-one else has noticed that she's got her bun in the oven; they are all still proving.

Martha, showing more regard for cleanliness than ecology, says that she uses cling film over all her surfaces, so as not to piss her parents off by causing excess mess. She really is lovely, isn't she? It turns out that it's very handy for spreading the filling on the dough too, sort of peeling stickyback plastic style. The others look like they're basically trying to smooth out lumpy, not particularly well digested, dog shits.  Nancy hits upon using an icing bag and piping it out. Richard promptly “learns by watching”.

Luis isn't sure that he was right to leave his nuts so chunky. Mel reassures him that she "looooves chunky nuts". Meanwhile Sue is basically helping Richard give a handjob to a giant length of dough. Total filth? Yes. So business as usual then.

The bakers wrapping their dough into their tins is very sausage-esque. Nancy's well unimpressed: “It's a funny looking thing”. Martha decides her sausage wasn't long enough, so takes it out to squeeze a few more centimetres. That's valuable cooking time wasted...

Animal shot #1: A white stead.

There's an beaten eggwhite mystery – it's listed on the recipe, but no-one, bar Chetna, knows where it's supposed to go. Mel suggests to Luis that it could be to create giant hair, as that's what she used it for in the eighties. It seems unlikely that Luis can relate to that. Least not with his current hair styling.

Nancy decides it's for royal icing and gets about making some. Richard who has been copying, I mean watching and learning from Nancy this whole time, decides that he's not going to watch and learn at this point, as he just doesn't think that's what the egg is for. It's possible Nancy was just shitting him and seeing how far he'd copy - she's totally got it in her.

Animal shot #2: That white stead again, eating. (It's a new animal - you gotta get your money's worth.)

Luis worried as his loaf isn't cooked inside. Richard tries to reassure him and asks him if he's sure. “Did you stab it with your stabber?” All the technical terms, him.

Dramatic montage #1: Desperate last minute hand fanning, before icing. Everyone's drawn icing lines on top of their poviticia, apart from Luis the Graphic Designer who's gone for an neatly drawn intricate swirl design. It's supposed to be a blind challenge, mate! You might as well have written 'BY LUIS' on the top.

Tecchie Rankings: Not a great crop. Martha's is entirely raw inside, so she's last, then Richard in fourth, Nancy in third and Luis in second, which is actually a RESULT by these standards. Chetna's is the only one that's cooked, so she wins. It probably helped to have already baked it mere hours before.

Nancy admits that if she'd come last she wouldn't have owned up to her bake.  The awesome continues.

Animal shot #3: A GUINEA FOWL! New animals coming thick and fast this episode. Very exciting. (NB: Guinea fowls are the ones that look like over-inflated posh spherical pigeons with a turkey face.)

The Show-stopper: Two different types of doughnuts.

Eighteen of each lot, which comes to a combined total of 180 tent doughnuts. I'm sure Sue will happily eat any leftovers.

Paul reckons he's made 40,000 doughnuts in his life. Sure there has to be more to life than making 40,000 doughnuts?

Luis is making Cocktail Doughnuts inspired by – yes, durrr, by cocktails. But which ones? A Long Comfortable Screw On The Beach? No, perhaps more wisely, he's gone for Mudslife and Raspberry Mojitos doughnuts. Mary's eyes widen with alcohol-inspired joy - to be fair, they sound awesome. He also believes that at least one of the doughnuts should have jam in, which is entirely correct, as well as the punchline to a joke about reggae.

No third povitica for Chetna and – somewhat unbelievably – no mango either. She's baking Chocolate Mousse Filled Doughnuts and Braided Doughnuts, the latter being inspired by a South African recipe.

Martha, who is feeling the pressure, has opted for Glazed Lemon & Poppy Seed Doughnuts and Chocolate & Passion Fruit Doughnuts. Berrywood arrive to find her laminating. Oh not this again. I see no evidence of plastic coverings here, people!

Richard's doughnuts have a fairground theme: Rhubarb & Custard Doughnuts and Toffee Apple Doughnuts. The rhubarb ones are heart-shaped, which is different. Mary's not convinced that will work though. After the success of his eclair stair, Richard has brought more home-created presentation material – this time converted wooden crates which he has “jjjujjed” (sp.?)

Nancy's Doughnut Family Tree is intended to offer up child and adult doughnut options. The kiddy ones are chocolate and the adult ones are limoncello. She's decorating the kid ones with faces and is contemplating going for “grey, spiky hair and piercing blue eyes”. Paul looks on with a poker face - which will prove to be a helpful template. All this Paul backchat – Nancy you are living on the edge! I'm not sure the Male Judge is going to enjoy this...

The bakers demonstrate the satisfaction of manhandling a big fat newly nicely risen dough. It's like a giant food pillow. Mmmm.

Luis has brought a tray of eighteen cocktail glasses to display his wares - and the cool ones, like burlesque dancers perform in, only not giant.  Mel is delighted by the "pizzazz" of it all.

Richard has made "hundreds" of practice doughnuts, which have been gifted to grateful colleagues. "Doughnuts are FOR builders" he tells Mel. New York cops might disagree, but never mind.

Sue has observed that Luis is making food weaponry in the form of raspberry darts. Sue says she'd love to step on the oche with them. Pimp my darts. She's on to a winner.

Disaster! Martha has overproved her doughnuts! That's potentially make or break at this point in the game. "They're awful" she exclaims. "They're sad little pancakes." Poor M. That's not ideal for a doughnut task... Mel suggests she puffs them up by overcompensating with her curd injections.

Dramatic montage #2: IT'S TIME TO TAKE THE OILY PLUNGE!  Although Chetna's using a frying pan.  She claims it's the only way she knows, but I wonder if she's just concerned about the timer issues Kate had.

It's then filling injection time. It always pleases me that they syringe it in. Luis has a four points approach, Nancy's going for 10ml, Richard for 25. He says he even has numbers on the side of his syringe. Chetna shrugs and says she's just doing it "kinda by eye".

Luis is sticking large straws in his doughnuts which he had intended to fill with Baileys. You drink your Baileys shot, then have a doughnut. He's now hesitating as he knows the judges "don't like gimmicks". COME ON LUIS! Firstly, Baileys in doughnuts sounds like the greatest idea EVER. Secondly, Mary might not be pro-gimmick, but there's NO WAY she'll be anti-BOOZE GIMMICK! Do it! Do it! Do it! Do it! Etc.

Nancy genuinely has given her doughnuts grey hair and blue eyes. Sue can't resist using them to do an impression of Nice Paul and Normal Paul. Any excuse to mock Hollywood and go Scouse.

Sue calls time. Richard celebrates by putting an entire doughnut in his gob.

Animal shot #4: They are coming thick and fast today! Hello, duck in a swamp. (Or perhaps a tall hedgerow.)

Show-stopper judging: Richard's rhubarb and custard's are praised for colour and lightness. Mary is happy to see the heart-shapes have held. (Despite Richard's reassurance on the matter, she CLEARLY didn't think that was going to work.) As for the flavour: “that's cracking”. The toffee ones are also a success “professional” and yummy.

Nancy's limoncello ones are slightly over-fryed, but Mary likes the moisture of the cream. “Fun for the children” says Mary of the other ones. Paul's concerned they are irregular in colour. “They look fine to me” says Nancy. “Would you say if they didn't?” asks Paul. “Of course” lies Nancy. Paul decides from the look of them that he has a “strong suspicion” that they are overdone. He pops one in his mouth and LO AND BEHOLD, “they're overdone”. He likes the flavours though.

Paul sums Martha's problem in one sentence: “Great tasting doughnuts, but the look and prove are all wrong”.

“Very, very fatty” says Mary of Chetna's first batch, and Paul agrees, though “the flavours are lovely”. She's managed good chocolate work too, though the mousse isn't sufficiently mousse-like. If it's a delicious chocolate gloop, frankly who cares?

Luis' raspberries are “a little bit uneven”, but they are “glazed nicely”. Mary likes the mint and raspberry. Paul tries one and clearly thinks it's just on the right side of the good/bad line, so tries another on the off chance it's a one-off and he has something to criticise. “I think you're alright actually” he concedes. “Cocktail madam” asks Mel, offering Mary the Bailey's straw. Mary sucks and HER FACE LIGHTS UP. "Oh ho HO!" says Mary. “There we go” mutters Paul. “I mean why are we bothering with the doughnuts?” she asks, entirely serious and immediately takes a second swig. Paul, somewhat more professionally, moves on to flavour critique. They're over-filled with coffee mixture and the “dough is quite soggy”, though he loved the raspberry ones.  Mary doesn't care and says “well I like that one” pointing at the Bailey's. “Of course you do, Mary!” dispairs Paul. Mary responds by taking her third Bailey's doughnut. And her fourth.

The judges are happy with Luis and Richard's offerings. It will be a power struggle between Mary's pref of Luis and Paul's of Richard. At the other end of the scale, Martha looks to be in most trouble.

Ma Baker: Paul gets his way – and it's fourth time for Richard. Unprecedented! All power to the pencil.

Mel and Sue Sandwich: Bye bye Little Martha. Sniff sniff.  (I'm fine, honest, just got something in my eye.) Mary tells us it's not the last we've seen of Martha. It's slightly ominous.

Next time: Patisserie.  Finickity posh cake stress.  More accents, no doubt.  Hon hee hon.