The 2014 Great Sport Relief Bake Off – episode 3

Omid Djalili announces cake battle today.  Ooooh - a man about the cake house (tent).

Sleb #1: Olympic cyclist and famed weeper, Victoria Pendleton

Sleb #2: Pop starlet and unexpectedly good panel show member, Jamelia

Sleb #3: Musicals luvvie, Michael Ball

Sleb #4: Broadcaster, and Comic Relief royalty, Emma Freud

Victoria Pendleton, looking a picture in Heidi plaits and a neat white collar, shrugs and utters the famous last words: “How hard can it be? It's only baking.” 

Oh Victoria. Oh Victoria.  Dangerous words for a teary woman.

Signature challenge: A tray bake. 16 slices.

Omid delivers his opening spiel with all the monotone energy of Rob the Engineer when he wasn't discussing Daleks.  He makes up for it by announcing “Bake!” with an unexpected flamenco hand flourish.

Victoria reveals that Emma Freud has already been bragging that she’s going to win - which, frankly, is NOT ON.  An openly competitive streak has no place in the sanctuary that is the Bake Off tent - the values we cherish are 'overcoming baking adversity' and 'really pleasing Mary by adding lots of booze'. I've got my eye on you, Freud.

Mind you, all four are going straight for the Berry jugular, each boozing up their produce with a different tipple.  

Victoria’s Pecan and Apricot Blondies include apricots soaked in Cointreau.

Jamelia is making an Apple and Amaretto Tray Bake for almondy booze goodness. 

Michael’s not only adding alcohol, but intends to invent a cure for the common cold through the power of cake by making a Hot Toddy Tray Bake full of whisky, ginger, honey and other old wives' ingredients.  Yes, I'm on board with that.  So long as it's not a Berocca cake.

Competitive Emma is baking Bourbon and Bacon Brownies - which, to me, is a CLEAR attack move! You don't go unusual (bacon?!?) unless you are a silent kitchen assassin (or incompetent and desperate).  Freud wants that apron and she’s taking no prisoners - nor offering any help. 

In fact, her I MUST WIN attitude is so brazen, that she's happy to break a sacred Bake Off law - taking delight in another contestant's woe, as Michael’s cake mix curdles.  TUT TUT TUT TUT.  Fortunately, baking karma is immediately brought into play as Emma burns her bacon and makes Mary choke by forcing her to eat sour cherries.  Mary looks utterly utterly pissed off.

Elsewhere, Jamelia takes an opportunity to show that no-one has yet put a ring on it and she is keen to recruit a husband.  Men of the 1950s stand by to assess her baking skills.  (Ha! They wish.)  Turns out the audition’s going badly, as her tray bake is just not cooking, no matter how many times she opens up the oven to test the mix (hmmmmm - anyone else sense a problem?).  She decides that it’s all a bit much, so pours herself a nice slug of Disaronno in a mug and tells us she’s having a ‘coffee’.

Emma has another unsympathetic pop at Michael, telling him “you’re going to lose”.  Again, retribution is swift – she burns a Bake Off pan and a hole in the carpet.  Mortification ahoy? No no, Emma follows it up with a good slag at Michael’s offering: “it looks horrid”.  OK, I know Emma does A LOT for charidee, but she’s not coming off great just yet.  Things aren’t helped by her sidling up to Victoria’s station, ignoring Victoria and sneering “that’s annoying, her’s looks great”.  She completes her trio of Queen Bitchery by smugly telling Jamelia “OH YOURS IS STILL IN THE OVEN! YOU’RE NOT GOING TO GET YOURS CUT IN TIME!”.  Hmmmmm.

No-one’s happy with their offering – surprising, given the calm, encouraging, mutually-supportive atmosphere in the tent.  Ahem.

Sig-bak judging: Mary thinks the apple in Jamelia tray bake makes things “liable to be a bit heavy”, but Paul really likes it. “They look awful but they taste really nice”.

Victoria has a good consistent bunch, but Mary can’t taste the booze.  Disaster!  No, it’s ok, she likes it anyway.

I can’t say I’m too sad about the backhanded compliment Mary delivers to Emma: “I’m glad they’re small.  They’re very, very rich.”  But “it’s a hit” for Berrywood anyway, in spite of the inexplicable cowboy boots Emma has placed by her bakes (nothing says delicious like stinky old Texan shoes, eh?). 

Michael has produced a “good bake” thinks Mary.  Paul then tells Michael: “I don’t like that”... *dramatic pause* ...“I love it”.  Michael is delighted.

Foodistory does Sport Relief: The life expectancy in South Africa is 53 years.  Nicola meets a little girl who lost her father to AIDS and whose mother is also ill.  Sport Relief is funding an education programme to inform kids about the disease and bring a bit of joy in their lives.

Technical challenge: Eight ringed iced doughnuts.

Emma unendears herself little further by refusing to help a begging Jamelia.  Eventually, worn down by a million Brummie “PLEEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAASSSSSSSSEEESSSSSSSSS”, Emma grudgingly and pointedly looks down to what she is doing, to hint at the songstress that WHY DOESN’T SHE JUST COPY?  In fairness, Jamelia could have probably worked that one out herself.  To cheer herself up, Emma sexually harasses Omid into spooning her, Ghost clay stylee.  Michael, meanwhile, is taking out the frustrations of bad review on his dough.  Kimberley nods sagely from her home.

Whilst the others stand around gossiping about Strictly (Victoria: "I was basically shit at dancing"), Jamelia takes 'the oily plunge', to everyone’s horror and panic.  Everyone stops discussing Victoria’s difficulty with latin (oh so much difficulty) and runs to their stations to get doughnutting.  NO FUN.  ONLY VICTORY.   Well, except for Michael, who knows his doughnuts are no-nuts, so resorts to writing “I love you Mary” on the side in icing.

He still comes last, with Jamelia third, Victoria GUTTED to come second and Emma actually quite modest in first.  She admits that her doughnut eating habits helped.

Showstopper: a layered cake in the theme of their favourite sporting hero.

Ooooh, good one.

Victoria’s theme is cyclist king Chris Hoy – an excellent choice.  She’s making a Sir Chris Hoy Chocolate, Vanilla and Coffee Cake, as he’s apparently a coffee fiend.  It will have six layers to represent his gold medals, a sugar spun bike and will be equal in size to his thigh girth – a whopping 67cm.  HOLY MUSCLE BATMAN.

Jamelia’s heroes are the Jamaican sprint team, who scooped all the medals in the 2012 Olympic 200m race.  Her One-Two-Three Cake will be coconut sponge with pineapple jam.  The inside will represent the Jamaican flag.  She’s also going to make Usain Bolt and co out of icing, which I for one cannot wait to see.

Michael has opted for “an homage to one of the greatest sporting heroes this or any country has ever had.”  Care to take a guess?  Yep, bring on the Big Daddy Cake, shaped like a wrestling ring and featuring Big Daddy right down to his nippled moobs. 

Finally to Emma – who, of all the female sporting heroes out there, has decided to go for... that tennis girl in that poster from the seventies.  Yup, her of soft-focus, naked itchy bum fame. 

*sigh*

So basically, Emma's admiration is reserved for someone who’s not actually sporty at all, or indeed known for any sporting process, or indeed (indeed) has an actual face.  But she does have a peachy bottom and plays tennis with no knickers on - I mean, why go for Olympic achievement when you could pick a faceless blonde scratching her bare arse?  It's... disappointing.  

So I'm afraid I don’t really care how delicious her Rose and Almond Tennis Girl Cake ends up being (probably not very – I mean, rose, blurgh), as the whole concept just makes me feel sad.   She’s serving the whole thing up on a giant tennis racket.  Seriously Emma, if it was all about using your expensive prop, you could have made an Andy cake.  A scowl and Scottish monotone would have been lovely – he is flipping Wimbledon champion after all.

I do take some solace in the fact that Emma is fashioning her tennis girl out of icing and it looks like plasticine testicles on a cartoon string of sausages.

Michael seems to have made mashed potato to fill his cakes.  Still better than smacking feminism in the face.

Victoria takes seven million attempts to spin sugar successfully. The determination in her eyes is incredible. She will not rest until she's created a bike from spun sugar. To be fair, without it, it's just a cake the size of Chris Hoy's thigh.

Sho-sto judging:  Big Daddy is likened to Mr Blobby (accurate) but Mary thinks Michael’s cake is "such fun".  Which is a kind way of saying it's a hot mess.  For me, any cake which inspires tears of joy is a triumphant hot mess. Berrywood think the flavours are "good" but the sponge is "over-mixed".

Emma's bare bottom lady has not lost its testicular effect and she looks like she has giant nads under her miniskirt - albeit one is undescended.  Hilariously, Paul doesn't think Emma's done enough decor.  Her cake is “dense” and like a trifle, but Mary likes it.  Paul chimes in that “the flavours are good”.

Jamelia has had to seat her Usain, Yohan and Warren, cause of their spindly icy legs, but they look kinda slumped (i.e. pissed).  Mary thinks the cake is dry, but the pineapple juice “helps moisten it up”.  Paul likes the design and the colours.

Victoria can’t look as Paul slices in to Sir Chris’ thigh.  Mary thinks her cake “looks the part” and she was “clever to make so many different flavours”.  It’s dry, but the buttercream counters that.  Paul is happy with the flavours: “very very good”.

Drum roll please – and it’s close between Competitive Emma and Pendletears.  The Star Baker apron goes to.... Emma.  Oh, bah.  I’m sure the almond tennis ball was yummy, but I can’t help sulking about the promotion of arse over sporting achievement.  Victoria woz robbed – she calmly announces she will never bake again.

Omid waves goodbye and suggests we visit  www.bbc.co.uk/sportrelief.  

Next time: it's our last trip to the Sport Relief Bake Off saloon and apparently they’re making pizza. Huh?