2013 Episode 4 – Pie Week

Last week: CUSTARDGATE.

 

This week: Pies and tarts.  As Mel and Sue sing, the bakers march in over the mini-bridge and don their aprons.  Ali, inexplicably, is also wearing a beanie hat – perhaps he is having a bad hair day.  It certainly continues his hot-in-knitwear theme. (If it worked for James Shetland...)

 

Signature bake: Double-crusted fruit pie; sweet or shortcrust pastry, filled with fruits of the baker’s choice.

 

Move over Mr Glenn, there’s a new partner in town – Kimberley’s boyfriend Giuseppe, who has disguised himself as an aviator from the 1920s.  Kimberley is making Giuseppe’s favourite - Pecan and Roseberry Caramel Apple Pie.  I wonder what Giuseppe’s Mamma thinks of that.

 

Ali discovers he’s been trying to slip clingfilm in his pie, so has to sneak it out the blender and hope for the best.  He then reveals he’s never made a fruit pie. OH SURPRISE SURPRISE.  We can add that to the list of ‘Baking Staples Ali’s Not Baked’ (see also: bread and trifle).  He’s opted for Apple and Ginger Pie with a Pecan and Walnut Shortcrust Pastry, which does sound completely delicious.  However, it turns out that Ali loathes fruit pie and finds it disgusting.  Paul takes that admission as a personal slight and Sue tells Ali she hopes his Granny Smith doesn’t have a damp bottom - which not I’m sure will help Ali’s tastebuds.  Indeed, Ali decides not to judge his flavours by taste, but by smell.  Which would be fine if it was the Great British Smell Off, AMIRIGHT?  (To highlight just how Not Fine this is, we get a shot of Paul prowling around Ali’s kitchen looking angry and judgy.  We all know what the drill will be come judging.)

 

Christine continues the rank bake chat by saying “when I pulsed my fat into the flour I got great lumps in it”.  She’s going super trad and using a recipe which belonged to her grandmother: Granny Rogers’ Apple, Plum and Cinnamon Country Pie, flavoured with allspice and nutmeg.  OH MY GOD, I WILL EAT ALL THE PIES. ME ME ME.

 

We get a look at Howard’s colleagues plugging their mouths with cake in a rather ungainly manner, whilst Howard stands above them in a super sharp shiny suit, looking uncharacteristically menacing and important.  He’s also making Apple Pie - with Sage Pastry, as well as adding sultanas and pistachios.  I find sultanas to be a food which generally lessens the deliciousness.

 

Another granny apple pie - Beca is making her Mamgu’s Cherry Apple Tart ('Mamgu' being the welsh for 'Gran').  Also it’s not really apple, as ‘Cherry Apple’ is the term Beca’s mamgu used to trick her grandchildren into eating rhubarb.  Paul is concerned about the rhubarb-related moisture, but Beca cheerfully informs Paul that her mamgu didn’t give a crap about having a soggy bottom.  Beca’s also sticking pastry alphabetti spaghetti on the top of her pie.  I have no idea what it says, but it's safe to say it's probably Welsh.

 

Ruby’s Granddad Cardi has been replaced by a Geography Teacher Elbow Pads Jumper.  Ruby's going for Apple and Marzipan Pie with dried sour cherries.  Elsewhere, Frances is (obviously) going conceptual again -  her Peach Pie In The Sky will take the form of a hot air balloon, inspired by James and the Giant Peach, and will include full peaches inside, de-stoned and re-stoned , but with almonds.  Paul claims not to have a clue what Frances is on about (it’s ROALD DAHL, Paul, it’s hardly obscure!), but it’s really just a cue for him and Mary to grumble that Frances can be all style and no substance.

 

Here’s the science bit, concentrate!  Time to head to Rob’s station (where he’s baking an Apple and Pear Pie with Thyme) for his Dry Bottoms Theorum; the key is hot hot heat, apparently.   Other bakers have other tricks: Howard is going for semolina, corn flower and icing sugar to soap up the juices, whilst Frances is using frangipane.  No word on Christine’s soggy bottom guards, as we see her merrily spooning a lumpy fruit juice soup into her pastry – I wonder where that one’s going...

 

No sign of Mr Glenn this week, but Molly the high-fiving dog is around and playing scrabble with Glenn and his friends down the pub.  She suggests “quinoa” in exchange for treats.  Glenn is making an Apple and Maple Syrup Pie, with red pastry maple leaves on top and lots of custard inside.  I believe the Canadian for that is: MMMMM HMMMM.  He’s not left enough time for the actual cooking, so his oven is on 7000 degrees.  Sue gently suggests that the brown bits on his pie might be ‘burning’.

 

Just time for a ‘dramatic’ montage of our bakers watching pastry bake.  THE TENSION.   The challenge ends with a classic Bake Off animal shot: a furious looking ewe about to charge.  But how did they do? We’ll find out in the wink of a pie!  (Did I make that ‘gag’ last year?  Very probably.)

 

Glenn hasn’t cooked his pie for long enough and Paul decides to take out all his schooldays frustrations on Glenn, by bluntly telling teacher off: “you had plenty of time to practise and you knew how long it was going to be - you shouldn’t have picked it”.   Glenn just takes it like a teacher man.

 

Kimberley has produced “one of the nicest pies” Paul has had “for some years”.   She BEAMS.

 

Although Frances’ “art work is stunning”, Paul thinks she’s “miles away from the flavour”.  Mary wanted more peaches.

 

Beca’s pie has “good colour underneath”, but there’s not enough rhubarb.  No word on Mamgu’s soggy bottom.

 

Mary thinks Rob has “a beautifully baked underneath” (!!!) and Paul thinks it’s “a nice pie”.

 

Ruby gets the Mary Berry eye-crinkle of joy: “I like that”.  So does Paul, minus the eye-crinkle.

 

Howard’s pastry is too crumbly and Mary can’t taste the sage.

 

Christine’s pie is dripping with fruit juice to the degree that not only is her bottom is soggy, but her top too.  Didn't see that one coming, oh no.

 

Ali hasn’t cooked his pastry and there’s no ginger in either spoonful one or spoonful two – the smell test has failed, can you believe it?!  Paul takes great delight in telling Ali that, next time, he needs to eat the fruit pie (that he loathes and which repulses him).

 

Animal shot #2: an expressionless duck standing up in water.  (Come on guys – don’t make an angry sheep the highlight!)

 

The Technical Challenge: Twelve custard tarts.  Paul is smiling evilly, as it’s his recipe and it’s clearly a bitch.  He describes the tarts to Mary, using the word “perfect” repeatedly.  We assume he’s therefore baked them himself.

 

Ali loves custard tarts!  But - can you believe it - he’s never made them!  Well, I’m shocked.  The bakers eye each other's tarts up suspiciously, not to sure what to do.  Frances is heating her custard, whilst most others don’t bother.  Howard confesses to Mel that’s he’s been having Bake Off dreams, but Mary and Paul are yet to feature - he doesn’t wish to be drawn as to whether he’d prefer the Hollywood or the Berry to make an appearance, but his giggle says rather more (PAUL!). 

 

Foodistory: I missed this bit as I was melting cheese onto nachos in the microwave.  Seriously.

 

Back in the technical challenge, the bakers are all kneeling desperately by their ovens looking horrified and that’s before they even get to the nightmare that is removing their tarts from the casings.  Someone (Ruby?) had foreseen the problem and put in special tabs to lift them out easily, but everyone else is having to splat out custardy crumbs and hope that the pieces will reform on the cake stand by magic.  Glenn has a mini breakdown by the freezer.  It’s just stress and disaster all round.  You can imagine Paul rubbing in his hands in glee at the smug disappointment he’s about to face.  He does so love to be smugly disappointed.

 

Ninety-six woeful tarts are placed in front of the judges.  Actually, it’s way less than that – as some bakers have only managed to make four or five.  Glenn places last, then Ali, Christine, Ruby, Howard and Kimberley.  Bronze goes to Rob, silver to Beca and gold to Frances, whose tarts weren’t actually so bad.  Turns out heating the custard helps.  I’ll remember that next time I.... oh, as if I’m ever going to make custard tarts.

 

Animal shot #3: Some sheep lying down.  Humph.

 

Show-stopper: A filo pastry pie, like a Greek spanakopita (huh?), a Moroccan pastille (whaa?) or something forged from the depths of each baker’s own brain (okaaaay). 

 

Making filo involves stretching the pastry long and wide – so thin you can read the paper through it.  But first it’s time to knead.  The bakers sweatily knuckle, rub, press, slap, smash and throw their dough - apart from Glenn who presses ‘start’ on his mixer.  Paul tells Mary to have a smackabout with Ruby’s dough – it’s clear she wants to aim it at his head.

 

Christine’s offering is a Roasted Vegetable Filo Pie with Feta Cheese; the illustration makes it look slightly like intestines.  Ruby is making Rose, Almond and Raspberry Filo Pie; the illustration makes it look slightly like sausages.  These could be accurate representations, but I’m thinking that a more likely explanation is that the Bake Off artist is finding filo a challenge.

 

Frances is using a shower cap to do... something.

 

Rob tells us he has joined a local mushroom club and it looks like he has brought the fungi of his foraging labours.  He announces, with the blank expression he has worn throughout the show, that some mushrooms can make a person dissolve.  He’s making Spanakopita with St Georges’ Mushrooms – using shop bought mushrooms.  Booo!  It’s health and safety gone mad!  He’s also calling his pie Pie-thagoras, which I’ll admit is brilliant.  He’s using four rulers sellotaped into a square to ensure the ratios are correct – it looks a bit like a homemade aerial.  Maybe it is.

 

Glenn is also making spanky-cop-tartar out of a giant sheet of filo pastry; the filling will be walnuts, with (the apparently traditional) feta and spinach.  Yes, this sounds GOOD.

 

Frances’ shower cap has been put away and we learn she’s producing a Cherry Tree Baklava Filo Pie.  It will be shaped like a tree, which frankly, is just a long tube of filo on its side, with some branchy bits (branches) and cherries (er, cherries) arranged at the top - hardly the high-end conceptual stuff we’ve come to expect of Frances.  That doesn’t stop Paul and Mary worrying that it will be all mouth and no trousers. “On your head be it!” says Mary.  I love her, but she can be a right cow, eh?!  (You know, I'm suddenly worried I might get taken to the tower for that one.)

It’s a Chicken, Bacon and Butternut Squash Pie from Kimberley; this time the filo part of the illustration is ok, but it also looks like there will be several green leeches slithering in the middle of the pie, which I don’t think is the idea – perhaps our illustrator was a wee bit hungover when he or she got to this project.

Ali and Beca have both sought inspiration from Moroccan cuisine – they love the colours and spices, and Beca was proposed to in Marrakesh.  Ali is making an Orange, Cardamom and Date M’Hanncha (translation: a snake cake).  He needs two metres for his pastry, which he will roll into a long tube, then spiral up.  It sounds INSANE.  Beca is going for a Moroccan Vegetable Filo Feast.  She and Kimberley are both using long thin sticks to roll out their dough.  Kimberley explains that it’s “an oklava” which is “a traditional Turkish rolling pin”.  Beca tells us she’s using a “home-made broomstick”.

 

Glenn has made a pastry tablecloth.  Elsewhere there are turf wars, as Ali starts his two metre odyssey and Kimberley finds herself with a ball of filo dough and nowhere to roll.   She’s allowed into the hallowed judges’ area to get her roll on, using her oklava, no less.

 

Sue bounds about trying to help.  Beca looks horrified at Sue's offer to help her roll and Rob flusters Sue away, politely but firmly; he’s very behind schedule – having lost half an hour ‘cleaning his mushrooms’.  However, Sue is allowed to help Howard with his Fresh Fig and Feta Filo Flan, which he needs to get out of the ring mould.  Mel joins in too and the three of them team up to Free Howard’s Ring.  Each armed with a slice, they carefully lift up his pie and - *bated breath* - place it on the table with no dropping!  PHEW.

 

Time, gentlemen, please.  But who has the bestest pie?

 

Paul and Mary LOVE Kimberley’s bake, which is “absolutely beautiful” and “the whole lot comes together as one big explosion in the mouth, which just tastes and looks fantastic”.

Rob isn’t worried that his spanakopita not cooked (not that you can tell from his entirely expressionless face) – but it turns out that it was underbaked with a soggy bottom.  He whispers “disaster”, which totally counts as an action-packed emotional outburst.

 

Frances gets a told-you-so from the judges – her tree’s not baked and they patronisingly and predictably tell her that style has overpowered substance.  To be frank, I don’t believe them.

 

Christine’s pie broke into pieces in the oven, but she has good “stunning flavours and a good bake”.

 

OK, it’s not the illustrator – Ruby’s pie does look like sausages.  As the judges chomp on her pie, she looks constipated with nerves, but Paul proclaims “that is beautiful”.  In the distance, Kimberley picks up her Turkish rolling pin.

 

Mary isn’t sure that Beca’s got the right mix of veg.  Paul agrees – he thinks it’s like mash potato.  Filo and mash – what’s not to like?

 

Howard gets the Mary Berry ‘I Like That’, though no eye-crinkle.

 

Glenn’s Spanakopita has lovely layers and a crisp bottom.  Paul loves it.  Ali looks on forebodingly.  But Ali’s snake cake is crispy too and “tastes good”, even if it could have done with added pistachios.

 

Tis done.

No animal shots, but a camera pan over the lake, as the judges gather in the back tent to deliberate.  They moot Kimberley and Ruby as the possible star bakers again, whilst it’s Glenn and Ali in the potential firing lane.  Time to find out who’s getting the Mel and Sue sandwich...

Ma baker: Kimberley FINALLY.  I think there would have been some serious oklava-related violence if she hadn’t won it this time.  Truly deserved.

 

Leaving: Ali’s beanie hat.  He’s very sad and doesn’t seem to enjoy the Mel and Sue sarnie much.  But everyone’s really miserable to see him go.  Howard's face crumples like an over-tired toddler and he actually sheds a tear.  Christine tells Ali that if he doesn’t keep in touch, she’ll kill him.  She may have trouble without his address.

Next time: A Giant Dalek Biscuit.  Wonder who’s making that one...