2015 GBBO mini blog. Week 1

Cake week. 

Bye bye: Music dude with pointy metal collar triangles. (I have an eight week old baby, so names and the correct term for dickish accessories are beyond me at this point - there's a different kind of soggy bottom ruling my life.) 

Lucky escape: Dorret's Black Forest collapsed into a chocolate bog which didn't even taste that great. Like "rubber". Gee, thanks Paul.

(Stuart! The loser's name was Stuart! Go me, blogging this at 3am and remembering stuff! Mary was also way harsh for week one, essentially calling him a pompous try hard.)

Middle class gauntlet thrown: 19 year old (allegedly) Flora used blood oranges, forgot to turn on her oven as she's got an Aga at home (though, erm, I have, embarrassingly been there) and the nose-around-your-home section featured her sister on a unicycle. 

SISTER ON A UNICYCLE. 

So yeah... That. 

Best baker name: Dorret can't beat out Alvin (mainly for the ear worm: Alvin, Simon, (pause) Theodore).  

Most blatant attempt at brown-nosing Mary: a gin and tonic cake. 

Calling the winner now: Marie v Nadiya. 

Next week: biccies. 

Great British Sewing Bee. Series 3. Week 6 mini blog. The Final.

And the winner is: Matt.  He of large hands fame.  A surprise winner, but he got steadily better and didn't completely lose it during the final (yes Neil, am looking at you).

The Pattern Task: Asymmetric Japanese tops, formed out of one piece of material.  Lorna was lost, but rather than leave her in the lurch in the name of VICTORY, Matt and Neil talked her through it.  Bless.  This is why I love Sewing Bee.

The Alteration Task: The challenge was “something wearable”, so - somewhat inexplicably - Neil made a mini skirt with attached ankle waders, now known as the #skanklet. WTAF doesn't even begin to cover it.  It has to be seen to be believed, so I urge you to go to the iPlayer (28 mins in) and take a look for yourselves.

The Sew-stopper Challenge: Avant-garde dresses.  Neil continued his plot-lost run, by making an evening gown inspired by army fatigues, Afghanistan and silky fabrics.  You'd have thought Lorna would storm this, after her wetsuitboobholes triumph, but it was Matt who timed his run perfectly, making a weird space age dress in the style of a 1960s telecoms tower/Christmas decoration.

Til next time!

Great British Sewing Bee. Series 3. Week 5 mini blog.

Sew long, farewell: Another double whammy – Elephant loving Paul and burgundy-haired Deborah said goodbye to the other bees.

The Pattern Task:  It was difficult fabric week, but that didn't stop Matt ‘hands too big for pins’ successfully managing the delicacy of a lace skirt.  Deborah adorably squealed at her third place, whilst Neil tried not to frown too hard at coming one from bottom.

The Alteration Task:  Wetsuit haute couture – not even a good idea in theory, for me.  Lorna had the best approach, immediately cutting out two boob holes to create Madonna-inspired breasty weirdness.  Tough times elsewhere - Paul spent too much time on his sleeves, which ended up with an unfortunate stapled-on look, whilst Neil's determination to show the judges he could 'do lace' slightly backfired, when Maytrick decided pink lace and black rubber did not go.

The Sew-stopper Task: Leather jackets.  Paul’s red garish snakeskin leather was my ‘favourite’: heavy metal groupie meets extravagant drag queen boots.

Garment Of The Week: Neil stormed back with his massive necked leather jacket – particularly impressing May with the use of a magnetic button.

Next time: The Final.

Great British Sewing Bee. Series 3. Week 4 mini blog.

Sew long, farewell: A shock double elimination!  Poor Amanda was no real surprise - the judges basically wrote her off halfway through the show, after she came last in the first two challenges.  But it was a close run thing for the second cull, with sweet rosy-cheeked manchild Ryan losing out over Paul.  Sad times.  Ryan was possibly a little bit too cocky about his corset-making skills, then made an unfortunate Simon Cowell waistline kilt, with an overly risqué front slit.  (Not one for The True.)

The Pattern Task: My sweepstake guy, Lieutenant Colonel Engineer Neil, stormed the corset task, suggesting once again that Mrs Neil is quite a slinky dresser.  It was also a perfect opportunity for innuendo bingo, with much talk of ‘boning’ and ‘parallel boning’.

The Alteration Task: Eighties suits needed to be transformed into something modern - not that the sewers seemed that happy about being judged on fashion sense, as well as sewing.  It was a tough task - even May didn't wear her usual expression of stunned delight as she surveyed the changes.  Ryan probably managed the trendiest creation, a strappy, wraparound top thing, but it was Neil (again), who won with his fuchsia cocktail dress.  Two from two...

The Sew-stopper Task: KILTS!!!!  Och aye.  Patrick was even kilted throughout the show, in tribute/for inspiration. (He doesn't have as fine a pair of legs as Mr Cad, but it was still a good look.).  I’ll leave it to the Scotsmen amongst us to decide on whether the studded denim kilt is one for their wardrobe.

Garment Of The Week: Neil’s pretty perfect kilt made it three from three.  Patrick bestowed upon him the equivalent of the Hollywood Handshake - proclaiming even *he* would wear Neil's kilt.

Next week: It's the Semi-Final already and the sewers tackle 'challenging fabrics' - leather and lace and PVC by the looks of it.  Let's not dwell on how many shades of grey we'll see. 

Great British Sewing Bee. Series 3. Week 3 mini blog.

Sew long, farewell: Lovely Neela.  It’s a tough crowd this year, and Neela just didn’t have speedier sewing skills that many of the others do.

The Pattern task: ‘Walkaway’ dresses, where fifties housewives got the pattern in the morning and could ‘walk away’ in the dress by lunchtime (or so goes the theory – this would NEVER work in the glorious age of Buzzfeed listicles).  The boys were much better at walking away in a neatly sewn dress, with Ryan winning and the rest of the men taking the top slots.  Come on laydeez!

The Alteration task: The sewers transformed fairly hideous floral curtains into rather amazing ball gowns, skirts, girl’s dresses, and so on.  Ultimately, this was nothing more than an excuse to play orchestral versions of numbers from The Sound of Music.

The Sew-stopper task: Sheer blouses.  A nightmare task, all see-through pussy bows and exposed seams.  They looked - let’s be honest – a teeny teeny bit shonky.

Garment Of The Week: Lorna’s sheer blouse - less fussy than the others and far neater.  Finally Lorna steps out of her always-the-bridesmaid role!  She remains one to watch, though all the boys looked strong this week too (I'm delighted, as I have Neil in the office sweepstake).

Nosey intrusion into the Bees’ homelife:  Mrs Neil has a cavalier attitude to the ball dresses her husband made her.  One wear, then straight in the bin.  Oh, the eighties...

Next week: KILTS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

Great British Sewing Bee. Series 3. Week 2 mini blog.

Sew long, farewell: Sweet but highly-strung Alex - too much of a perfectionist to get anything finished.  Look out Patrick, you’re about to receive a million perfectly formed tiny waistcoats in the post, as Alex proves she CAN make what they ask her.

The Pattern task: Rosy-cheeked Ryan won the creepiest task of the week – making a fancy tweed waistcoat for a child mannequin.  Of course, Ryan is basically a child himself, so that did give him an advantage.

The Alteration task: Yellow t-shirts and summer dresses became a truly impressive array of children’s clothes.  Air hostess Lorna was bridesmaid AGAIN, with a dress perfect for little girl attending Pina Colada hour.  However, it was Lieutenant Colonel Neil who won through, with a Miami Vice does boxing inspired combo.  Patrick was uncharacteristically jubilant, singing Bugsy Malone and wishing his hands were teeny enough to wear yellow Lycra boxing gloves. "This is the coolest thing I've seen in my whole life", he declared.  The lack of beard is having an unexpected effect.

The Showstopper task: (Or whatever it’s called.)  Amazing 3D children’s costumes – peacocks, inch worms, foxes, flappers...  And an opportunity for Sewing Bee to give Bake Off a run for its smutty money, with talk of “stuffing”, “boning” and “blue booby”.

Garment Of The Week: Paul snuck in with his ‘Elephant Ballerina’. 

Fashionistory: Waistcoats were invented after the civil war as a V-sign to French luxury couture.  Well, take that, 17th century Dior.

Nosey intrusion into the Bees’ homelife:  Not content to defy sewing stereotyping with his army role, Neil has apparently also produced two rugby-playing sons, so strapping and glossy they must surely be on the brink of modelling jobs with Ralph Lauren or joining One Direction.   I also enjoyed Paul’s mum’s cardigan pride, scoring major friend envy points with her son’s knitting skills.

Next week: Sewing, 1950s style.

Great British Sewing Bee. Series 3. Week 1 mini blog.

Sew long, farewell: Annie the Scottish dairy farmer, of piggy pincushion fame, was the first to get stitched up (BOOM BOOM!).  She seemed a Norman-from-Bake-Off-like hoot, but Patrick just couldn't get in board with her wafty sleeves.  Still, she left with the finest exit line to date: "Never mind, we'll still name one of our calves after you". Claudia went into delighted meltdown.

One to watch #1: Air hostess glamazon Lorna nailed all three tasks, fearlessly making garishly ace patterned trews, very nearly winning the battle of the denim shirt to denim skirt transformation, and finishing up with a gorge poppy dress that I would very much like to own, thank you please.

One to watch #2: Lieutenant-Colonel Neil demonstrated military precision and time management - and duly was rewarded with Garment Of The Week, even though his fashion choices were... brave.  It's a confident woman who'd opt for those shocking pink trousers and a cocktail dress with the sides cut out, but apparently Mrs Lieutenant-Colonel Neil is such a gal.  Good on her.

Alex-watch: I thought Alex, and her giant earrings, would be a terrifying Romanian fembot, but she's actually hilarious.  I would never have pegged her as the one who'd go full Madonna puffball skirt in the alteration challenge, especially after her disdain for floral trousers.

Matt's hands: are too big to pin pins.  So he has to use stones.

A one-off update on Patrick's facial hair: It's official, he's sticking with a perfectly groomed 'tache. We mourn the perfectly groomed beard.

Next week: Children’s tailoring, including waistcoats (which is a concern: small boys in waistcoats creep me out).